


Finding yourself

by MellQueenOfHell



Series: Finding yourself [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Discovering yourself, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Slow Burn, friends to lover, some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2018-09-11 10:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 76,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8975446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellQueenOfHell/pseuds/MellQueenOfHell
Summary: The truth was, she didn’t want to hide a single thing about herself anymore. She was twenty-nine years old and she was so done, so freaking done that five days ago she had packed her little car and drove away from everything. Her name was Eleanor, she had long brown hair that she hated to comb, or style for that matter, big hazelnut eyes that reflected her soul like a goddamn mirror and some curves that would be considered too much. She loved to write and secretly dreamed of becoming a writer. She loved series and actors and cats and books and shitty jokes and tattoos and tiny things, you know like that tiny little spoon you get in fancy restaurant when you order coffee. And she, for once in her life, was true. True to the world, true to herself!***This is a little therapy for me, this fiction helps me in way I can't even describe. So maybe, if you are still searching yourself, maybe it could help you too ;)***





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!  
> So… I wasn’t sure at first if I should or should not post this fic here because from what I gathered people tend to dislike when an author writes herself in the fic… BUT after many discussions with myself, I decided that I should do it. This was some sort of therapy for me. Eleanor is the most representative character of myself I’ve ever written. There are things in that that I’ve never told anyone, things that I’ve wanted to write in so many fictions but didn’t because I was afraid of what people might think of me after. I opened up my soul in this story, ans instead of feeling vulnerable, I believe it made me stronger. Anyways, I’ll shut up now… 
> 
> So yeah this is a fiction with an original female character. Every memories from Lena would be mine, I cried writing the prologue and also when I wrote the chapter called “A trip down memory lane”. This fic is very personal, but I’ve been told it was good so I decided to share it with you guys. I do hope you’ll enjoy it, if not… please don’t be hateful. If you don’t love it don’t read it.  
> Now, about the fic. I NEED to say that I do love Jensen Ackles and Danneel together, I think they are beautiful and I love them. I would never want to do any harm to her, but if this fic was to happen, I needed a reason… (you’ll understand).
> 
> So that’s it, if you guys wanted to know me a little more, here’s the road. If you like it comment, or leave kudos this is always appreciated. And if you have ANY questions, please ask :)

Looking around, sitting on the floor of the empty little loft she just bought, she sighed. She sighed, but it wasn’t sadness or loneliness, no, it was a pure happiness. All her life, she said it, of course nobody ever believed her, but here she was all alone, far far away from her home and she couldn’t be happier. For the first time in her life, she was at peace. At peace with herself, with her strange, weird and unconventional self.

 

Here, there was nobody to tell her what to do. No one to say that she was way too old to love what she loved, no one to say that she shouldn’t spend money on that or this. Here, there wasn’t anybody to disappoint being who SHE wanted to be instead of who they needed her to be. Here, she doesn’t have to smile if she didn’t want to, she doesn’t have to listen to everybody pretending to care while all she wanted was to shut everything down and spend a little time alone in her mind. Here, she had the right to do exactly what she wanted. Here she could be that woman she always knew she was, but always felt compelled to hide.

 

Smiling, she laid back, right on the floor, no blanket no pillows, and she closed her eyes. The only thing she could hear, was the little purr of her cat Whisky, who was currently cuddling on her laps, too afraid to move in this new environment. Whisky was the only thing she brought with her, the only little reminder that she existed before. The tortoiseshell little cat was the only thing that reminded her that this wasn’t the first day of her life, despite the fact that she truly feels alive for the first time. She had left everything behind; her job, her apartment, her furniture, her clothes, her friends, her family. She had brought Whisky and her books, because she couldn’t leave them, she tried but she couldn’t. These books had been there for her more than anyone has ever been and they were her most treasured possession.

 

She told everyone since she was about ten years old that one day she would disappear, but no one has ever believed her. Looking at her watch, she made a little calculus in her mind and smiled. They must have realised by now that she was gone, and most certainly they were all freaking out. Especially her mother. She loved them, of course she loved them, but she was out of place. She felt it all of her life. Her father wanted her to be like the rest of the family; skinny and proud. He wanted her to play guitar or piano or any other instrument like the rest of them, but she was clumsy as hell and never succeeded. He wanted her to « fit » in the clan but she never did. She had a pretty voice, but singing was never something she enjoyed because HE was always there judging her. He couldn’t just appreciate what she was doing, he needed to push her in ways that she couldn’t take. He died being disappointed in her, and for an eleven years old girl, that was truly disturbing. How can someone who was supposed to love her no matter what, couldn’t even bring himself to tell her that he loved her, she would never understand. Then, there was her mother. Never had she received a single motivation from her. She wanted her daughter to be, an extension of herself, like she was with her own mother, but that wasn’t HER. While she loved her mother, like any child would, she never felt that attached. Truth to be told she never really felt a real connection with anybody. Her mom had never pushed her in school, she had to do it herself to get what she wanted. Being from a poor family, her mom never worked, she needed to get a scholarship. And she got it, with straight A’s all along. Her mother was disappointed. Because that meant that she would go away, that she wouldn’t become what she had wanted her to be. The worst was that she wasn’t some kind of lost cause, she was a certified gynecologist and she was good. She was a Doctor for god sake, she had the tittle before her name, but that wasn’t enough because she chose for herself. She decided what her future would hold, instead of following her mother’s will. And then, there were her friends. They always thought she was the caring one, the girl with the big heart, the one that would give you anything. The one that would do anything to please, because she couldn’t bear the disappointed looks anymore. And she was. She was exactly this. The best damn friend anyone could ever ask for. And how did they thank her? Did they listen to her when she talked, when she would tell them about her dreams or her little fantasy? Nop! They would tell her to stop dreaming, to stop complaining because she had a good life, a wonderful family and friends that loved her. And then she would tell them: one day I’ll disappear, and on that day maybe you’ll realise. But they didn’t listen, so they never truly believed that one day she would actually just vanish into thin air.

 

It’s not that she wasn’t a caring friend, she cared… a lot. But she wanted friends that cared for her too. She wanted people in her life that would be proud of her, that would ask how she was sometimes instead of just assuming she was ok because she was smiling. She wanted to have people in her life who’d know that she was a little messed up. That she loves cats a little too much, that she still writes and reads fanfiction. She wanted friends that would know to bring her a big bag of coffee in October because that was the time she’d listen to all her series on Netflix, forgetting to sleep or even eat. She wanted friends that would tag her in images that reminded them of her. She wanted people that would give her what she always gave them.

 

Did she want to find love? Of course she wanted love. Who wouldn’t? But she didn’t want to sacrifice herself anymore. She wanted a lover that would love her for exactly who she was. She didn’t want to eat a salad when she craved a burger, she didn’t want to work out because she needed to be perfect for him. She didn’t want to hide that she’d maybe like to try some new things.

 

The truth was, she didn’t want to hide a single thing about herself anymore. She was twenty-nine years old and she was so done, so freaking done that five days ago she had packed her little car and drove away from everything. Her name was Eleanor, she had long brown hair that she hated to comb, or style for that matter, big hazelnut eyes that reflected her soul like a goddamn mirror and some curves that would be considered too much. She loved to write and secretly dreamed of becoming a writer. She loved series and actors and cats and books and shitty jokes and tattoos and tiny things, you know like that tiny little spoon you get in fancy restaurant when you order coffee.

 

And she, for once in her life, was true. True to the world, true to herself!

 


	2. Let today be the start of something new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the chapter 1, don't worry the fun will start soon ;)

The next few days were spent searching for furniture, to build a home inside the loft. She started with a bed, which was the most important thing she could think of after her first full night right on the floor of her soon-to-be living room. She found a wonderful bed, with a gigantic padded head board. In an antique store, she found an exquisite dresser with two fitting nightstand. They were all white and the owner of the shop told her that they might need some fresh paint, but she loved them just like that. It was a little over her budget, but she didn’t care. She also bought a wooden chest to put at the end of the bed.

 

Next thing she thought would be absolutely necessary was to set up the living room. She found a grey couch, some wonderful tables and an amazing carpet. There was an entire wall covered in brick in her loft, it was red but she had every intention of painting it black. She always loved black, but everyone she ever lived with has always told her that it wouldn’t be a good idea, that it would darken the room, or shrunk it… Well screw them, the little fence on the second floor was black and she was certain that a black brick wall would be awesome.

 

After three days of shopping, a complete bedroom and an almost done living room, she found herself wandering the streets hungry and tired. She ate McDonald’s and Tim Hortons all the time and she wanted something good for once, so she ended up in a little Irish Pub named « O’s Pub ». It was your typical pub with all the wood chairs and tables, a big bar and some ambiance. The waiters wore kilts, which made her laugh a little but she had to admit that it was sort of cool. She took place and took out her brand new phone, she had ditched the old one.

 

She was gone for almost two weeks now, so she decided to let everyone know she was alive. After debating with herself on the best way to do it, she decided that Facebook would be her best option. She logged on her account, which she had all intentions on deleting a few days later, and started typing:

« Hi guys!

So I can see with all your messages that you are all wondering what happened to me. I just finally decided to do what you all never believed I’d do. I disappeared.

 

Don’t you worry, I’m alive, and I am well. Don’t try and contact me on my phone, I threw it away. This Facebook page will be deleted soon.

 

So this is it. I love you guys, but I need to live for myself for a while. I will, eventually contact you! »

 

She hit the publish button and sighed. She knew that she was about to receive thousands of notifications, but she didn’t plan on answering them. She was done with her old life. She put her phone away when a waitress came to her to write her order.

-Good evening my dear, have you made your choice yet?

-Yes, I’d like a glass of Sauvignon and the « Warm and Comforting » stew please.

-Anything else?

-No, that’ll be all.

-Coming right up, the waitress said with a big charming smile.

 

Eleanor smiled back and then looked around. Of course she didn’t know anybody but she liked to observe people, she could tell a lot about someone just by looking at them. She waited patiently for her meal, and almost moaned when the first bite came to her mouth. That was certainly the best stew she had ever eaten. She had to refrain herself from licking the plate once she was done, and for a second she thought about ordering another. When the waitress asked her if she wanted something else, she declined but ask to speak to the Chef. She had never done that before, but right now she needed to compliment her in person.

 

A young, probably at least five years younger than her, woman came directly to her with the biggest smile she had ever seen. The woman was short and skinny, with short dyed red hair and big hazel eyes. She wasn’t your typical model or something, but the combination made her real pretty.

-Hi there! My name is Alyson O’Neil, I heard you wanted to talk to me?

-I just wanted to tell you that this was the best stew I’ve ever eaten; I almost ordered another plate.

-Well thank you, it is an old family recipe.

-Well it’s amazing, the place is amazing too I should say.

-I’m glad you like it, The O is my baby.

-This is your place? she asked.

-Yup!

-Well, you have a wonderful place Alyson. I will come back, you can be sure of that.

-Thank you darling.

 

And just like that the little owner went back, with a skip in her pace and Lena was happy. She paid her lunch and went back to her loft with a smile on her face. This was it, this was the life she wanted to live. Of course she would have to find a job, but she didn’t know if she wanted to be a gynecologist anymore. She loved her job, but right now it didn’t seem right. She took Whisky on her lap, set her favorite program on Netflix and relaxed. She still had time to think about it.

 

 

***

 

 

True to her promise, she went back to the pub the next day. In fact, she loved to place so much that she ate there every day for almost a week. She had finally set all her loft in place, but she couldn’t bring herself to cook. It was her fifth day in a row, and she decided to stick around a little and order some beer. She was pretty sure she was being flirted by one of the guys at the bar but she wasn’t in the mood for that… like at all. She was enjoying herself, drinking her fourth or fifth beer when Alyson came to her.

-Hi there, said the red hair girl.

-Hi!

-So you weren’t lying, you really like the place.

-Yeah. I’m new in town and… I don’t know, I can’t bring myself to do grocery. I just love being here.

-Where are you from, if you don’t mind me asking?

-I’m from Montreal, Quebec.

-Really?

-Yep.

-You came a long way, was it for job?

-No I, huh. I kinda… well I just left it all behind.

-Oh. I see!

-Yeah.

-Why Vancouver?

-Funny story actually, I was wondering where I should go so I was surfing the net, but nothing seems right. I was about to give up for the day when an ad came up and it was something totally random about here. So here I am.

-Well. Welcome I guess.

-Thank you. Eh would you, by any chance, know of places that would hire some stranger like me, she said with a goofy smile.

-Well. That depends on your qualifications?

-Euhm… I can deliver babies, but…

-Excuse me? What?

-I’m a gynecologist, but I don’t wanna do this anymore. I just want to work.

-I think you’d be over qualified, but I am in need of a new waitress.

-You serious? I’d love to work here.

-I am. Can you bar tend?

-I was a bartender from 18 to 22, I think I can manage.

-In that case, you can start tomorrow. You’ll attend the table Monday to Thursday and handle the bar on Friday night.

-And the week end?

-Well, you need some time off right?

-Yeah I guess, but…

-We’ll adjust later. You realise you’ll have to wear the kilt right?

-I’ll look funny in that thing, she admits smiling.

-Everyone looks funny in it. You can wear any shoes you want, but I would suggest something comfortable. The top is up to you as long as it is black.

-Well. Didn’t think I’d find a job tonight.

-Didn’t think I’d find a new employee tonight.

 

Lena looked at her new boss and smiled, the place had grown on her in a couple of days and she was really happy about the job.

-I don’t even know your name, said Alyson.

-Eleanor Blaire, but you can call me Lena. Eleanor is a mouthful.

-I’ll see you tomorrow Lena.

-Yeah, I’ll see you.

 

With that she walked home, satisfied but tired. She fell asleep on the couch, Whisky on her belly. There was nobody to see her, but she spent all night with a content smile on her face. She was alone in a town she barely knew, but she was so happy, it was almost ridiculous. It was like, all her life had been a lie, a cover, but now… now she was truly where she was meant to be.


	3. Burger and pie, REALLY?

   
  
---  
  
Preparing herself for her shift at the Pub, Lena smiled at her reflection. She was beyond happy. The first weeks working for Alyson had been amazing. She loved the staff and the patrons were amazing. Well, if you could forget about the ones that always tried to sneak under her kilt, but that was part of the job, unfortunately. After two weeks, Alyson asked her to take on the week end, but she would get Monday and Tuesday off, she was more than ok with it. Weekend were full anyway, and the tips were good.

 

Finishing her makeup she smiled, tonight would be a typical Friday night; lots of young people, good music and an open mic. After almost a month there, Fridays were, definitely, her favorite night. She was supposed to bar tend on Friday, but Alyson told her she was too good on the floor. She had smiled at that compliment.

 

She walked inside the pub with a big smile on her face, greeting everyone that recognized her. So far, her life in Vancouver was good. Not really adventurous, but she was happy. She didn’t know that this would be the night that would change her life forever.

 

In the back of the kitchen, she changed into her kilt and got herself ready for the night. She smiled, all teeth and gum and took orders for about two hours before Alyson called her for her break.

-I have bad news, said the younger girl.

-What?

-Jen is sick, she spent the last forty minutes in the bathroom and… anyway, can you take her table?

-‘Course I can. Which one?

-21 to 28, and 45 to 49.

-No problem.

-You sure? I can find someone but…

-Don’t worry about that, I’ll be ok.

-Ok, go then.

 

She didn’t mind taking over for a colleague, but she had to admit to herself that taking half the pub alone was a little overwhelming. She was doing just great when she noticed the table in the right corner, 49. It was the most « intimate » table, usually for a young couple asking for intimacy. It wasn’t the case that night because there were three heads standing there, and it was three pretty famous heads. She took a minute to breath, reminding herself that it wasn’t the time to start fangirling and walk to them.

-Good evening gentlemen, have you made your choice yet? she said, trying to sound casual, even though she knew her voice was a little weak.

-Yeah I’ll have the chicken salad, dressing aside and a glass of water please, said the taller one with a little smile.

-And I’d like the cheeseburger, with extra bacon. And a beer, the other one said smirking.

-And for you? asked the waitress for the third man.

-Oh nothing, just coffee please.

-Are you fucking messing with me, she said without even realising it.

-Why would we do that, asked the cheeseburger guy.

-Seems like you were, she said a little bit shy about her comments.

 

Seeing them all refraining their smile she decided to play their little game and turned herself towards to guy that asked for coffee,

-You sure you don’t want something to eat? I’m sure I can manage some PB and J’s, oh and, just so you know, she said now facing Jensen, we have an amazing apple pie tonight.

-Ok you’ve got us, said Jared, you were a new face and…

-You wanted to know If I recognized you?

-Kinda.

-Yeah I did, freaked out a little, took a deep breath and… here I am. Did you really want a salad?

-No, I’ll take the cheeseburger too, and a beer.

-And I’ll take the chicken burger.

-Good. My name’s Lena, if you need anything else, you just tell me.

-Alright, said Jensen with a smile on his lips.

 

She walked back to the kitchen, catching her breath. Oh she wasn’t the typical groupie kind of girl, but meeting three of her favorite actors, coming from her favorite show, well it was… Something.

 

She brought them their order and couldn’t help but notice how Jensen seemed to look at her. She wasn’t stupid enough to think anything out of it, but clearly the guy was finding her, at least, pretty to look at. Well, she didn’t stop herself from looking at him either. Some part of her brain was whispering her to flirt a little, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.

 

 

***

 

 

After three days in a row of calling sick, Jen finally announced everyone that she was pregnant, which was both good and bad news because she couldn’t keep her job, but she had been trying to have a baby for the last three years. So, after a big party in her honour, Alyson came to Lena with a big smile that the brunette now knew to be her « I’m-about-to-ask-you-something-impossible » smile.

 

-So, she started.

-Spit it out honey, said the older one, I know you have something to ask.

 

Somehow along the way, Lena and Alyson had develop a beautiful relationship, which was more of the best friend type than an employer-employee kind of thing.

-Yeah right, are you free this week end?

-Depends, I’m working, which you should be aware of since you are my employer, she said.

-Yeah I know, I mean _after_ work?

-Well, since you are my only friend here, I’m guessing you also know that we don’t have plans together on that particular week end.

-Stop being a smartass for a second would ya?

-Ok, I’m sorry, she said not sounding sorry at all. What is it?

-Do you remember last Friday?

-Yes?

-So you remember that you served Jared Padelecki?

-Not the one that marked my mind the most, she said remembering how Jensen was looking at her, but yeah. Why?

-Well, they are regular here. And it is usually Jen tending their table because she really doesn’t care about them. I was a little nervous to send you there to be honest.

-Why, were you afraid I would fangirled over some celebrities?

-Kinda, she admitted. I’ve been there before.

-Well. I have to admit that I was a little impressed and if I’ve had met them in other circumstances maybe I would have fangirl a little, probably forget how to talk, but I’m a professional so…

-Yeah yeah I know, you did good. Anyway, huh, every year Jared is throwing a big party when they start filming back and he always comes to me to « lend » him a bartender.

-And it’s always Jen I guess.

-Yep. So euhm, would you… would you do it? It’s a long day, I did it once and I was exhausted. You’ll have to be there by eleven, he’ll take you to the store to buy everything you will need and most likely you won’t be home until the next morning.

-I can do it, won’t be my first rodeo. Told you I was a bartender when I was younger.

-Ok. I’ll call him and inform him that it won’t be Jen this year.

-What should I wear?

-I… I don’t know. I’ll tell him to call you? Can I give him your number?

-Yes no problem.

 

The owner immediately went to her office, leaving the other girl standing in the middle of the empty bar, they had close for Jen’s party, a little dizzy. It was true that she was a professional, but thinking about being at a party, with some of her favorite actors… Yeah it was starting to sound like a bad fanfiction to her. Next thing she’ll know she would wake up in Jensen’s bed. She laughed at that thought, she wasn’t exactly the one-night stand type of girl, and somehow she has the feeling that he wasn’t either. Especially after what happen to his wife, not so long ago.

 

After hugging Jen and congratulating her one last time, she grabbed her purse and headed home. She brought her hands to her shoulders, wrapping her upper body to protect herself from the cold. The temperature was becoming a little too low outside to walk home and she promised herself to take her car the next time. She was just dropping her jacket on the couch when her phone started buzzing in her jeans.

-Private number, what the fuck, she said sliding in to the right side to answer. Hi!

-Hi, Am I talking to Lena?

-Yes, who is this? she said on the fence.

-Hi Lena, it’s Jared, huh, Alyson gave me your number.

-Oh yeah of course. Sorry I was a little rude, I, huh,…

-It’s ok don’t worry. So you are gonna bartend at my BBQ?

-That’s what I heard, she answered regaining her usual no-filter self.

-Is it ok for you to be here at eleven?

-Yeah no problem.

-Ok, about the clothes part… It’s a party so, dress yourself like you would if you would attend a party.

-But I’m not a guest, she said.

-Kinda. I mean, you’ll tend the bar but, you are allowed to have fun too.

-Ok then I’ll just put something I like.

-That is perfect. And euhm, did Allyson told you about the money? She didn’t tell me?

-Euh no?

-Is a thousand ok for you? That was the agreement with Jennifer but…

-A thousand dollars are you fucking crazy? she said too surprised to contain her voice.

-I don’t think I’m crazy no, he answered and she could hear his smile in his voice.

-I mean, that is a lot of money.

-It will be a long day, I think it’s a fair amount. And of course, tips are yours.

-Well. I better practice my shaking dance then, she said smiling like a fool in her living room.

-A shaking dance?

-You’ll have to order a fancy drink to know what it is.

-Will do. Bye Lena, I’ll see you Saturday.

-Bye.

 

She hung up the phone and let herself fall on the couch. Not even a complete second after that, Whisky climbed on her laps, nesting and purring under her mistress caresses. The brunette smiled to herself. She wanted adventures and something unusual, she had found it.

-Yeah definitely, a bad fanfiction, she said navigating on Netflix even though she knew she would end up watching the same show, AGAIN.

 

But hey, no one was here to tell her that she had already watched it three times so…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know, there isn't much action in this chapter...BUT, it'll come. I promise ;)


	4. Some bad fanfiction!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some action, not much but... yeah, we are getting there =P

   
  
---  
  
Saturday came a little too fast for Lena’s taste. She wasn’t ready. Like at all. She hadn’t slept, lost somewhere between excitation and nervousness, so she found herself wandering in her loft, in nothing but a towel, searching for something to wear. She wasn’t normally the kind of girl that would make a big deal out of the clothes part, but this time she was. After typically throwing everything that was in her closet everywhere in the room, she finally settled for black and white dress that she would have describe as casual chic. She curled her hair a little, put some makeup and leave, not entirely satisfied but, content enough.

 

She sat on her car, for the first time in weeks, and enjoy the sound of it. Back in Montreal, even though her good job, she had never been the one to buy herself expensive things. She still lived in an renting apartment the day she decided to quit. However, she loved cars, like really loved them and when the time had come to buy a car, she may have chosen something _really_ expensive.

-Oh I miss you, she said patting the dash board of her Audi R8.

 

When she parked the car in Jared’s driveway, he was standing on the porch looking at her with a suspicious look on his face. She knew it must have looked a little strange because there was no way in hell that she was able to afford a car like this being a waitress.

-Nice car, he said with one of his eyebrow crooked a little bit.

-You like it? she asked.

-Yeah. Is that ok for you if we’re going to the store now?

-Yep. Wanna drive? she offered with a knowing smile on her face.

-You serious?

-I don’t usually let people driving her, but… I’m guessing that if anything were to happen, which I’m sure won’t, you would be able to replace her? she said.

-I wouldn’t let anybody drive her too, this is a wonderful car, he said taking her keys with a goofy smile.

-Yeah, she is.

-I’m sorry but I gotta ask, he said as he was adjusting the seat to his giant self. How?

-I knew you would ask.

 

With a sigh of resignation, she looked at the road and started to talk.

-I’m not just new in O’s, I’m new in town too. I’m not feeling like sharing my whole story right now, so I’ll tell this. I had a good job, nothing illegal don’t worry I am not a criminal or something like that. It’s more like a little girl searching herself.

-You sure don’t look like a little girl, he said accepting her story.

-Yeah I’m not, I’m 29, even though sometime I’m 5 in my head, she said laughing softly. But, disappearing and leaving all you ever knew behind, sometimes it takes time.

-Well, I respect your privacy, but if you ever want to talk about it, remember that you now have a friend in town, he said with the most sincere smile she has ever seen.

-Thank you Jared, I appreciate it.

-We were all new somewhere one day, I know what it feels like.

-Yeah. Thank you.

-I’ll introduce you to my wife when we get back. She’ll like you, he said. But, huh, there something I wanted to tell you, he added with a more serious voice.

-I’m listening, she said curious.

-I know it must be a little overwhelming for you, but, huh, I just wanted you to know that in the end we are normal people, so you don’t have to, I don’t know be nervous or something like that.

-Do I look nervous?

-No, not at all, but I wanted to tell you either way.

-I was nervous, she admitted, but I have to say that you are really good at making people feel comfortable.

-Good. Now let’s go buy some booze, he said with a smile.

-Dude, how old are you. Nobody says booze anymore, she said bumping her shoulder to him.

 

They were both laughing when they reached the door, and somehow it felt right. It was a little strange, but she had the feeling that she was meant to be his friend. What a beautiful irony that was, she was bonding with the guy that played her least favorite character in her favorite show.

 

 ***

 

 

The guests start to show up around 2 pm, and Lena started being incredibly busy around 2:05. It was incredible, she had forgotten how it could be demanding to do that many drinks. Well, maybe if she wasn’t doing a big deal out of it but, she liked it. She had to remind herself to be professional the second Jensen walk through the bar. How come could he look that good in a fucking t-shirt? That was certainly not legal. She gave herself a mental slap, ok more like a thousand mental slaps and put on her best professional face.

-Hi there, what can I get you? she asked.

-Just a beer, he said with the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.

 

And she wasn’t stupid, it was kind of obvious that he was flirting with her. Nobody puts on a smile like this, if it is not for flirting. But two could play that game. She responded with an equally charming smile, at least she hoped it was charming.

-Which one do you want, she asked showing him the different kind Jared and her had bought.

-Budweiser will be ok, he said.

 

She looked at him and she saw in his eyes that he knew exactly what he was doing. Of course he would choose the lower one, of course he would choose the one that would force her to bend. Oh she could have just bent her knees and get the beer, but she decided to do exactly what he wanted her to do. With an experienced twist of her wrist, she took out the cap and handed him his beer.

-There you go!

-Thank you very much, he said leaving a five dollars bill in front of her.

 

And just like that he was gone. She wasn’t staring at his ass, nop she wasn’t. It wasn’t even that good looking in those tight jeans…

-It’s a great ass, huh? came a voice behind her, bringing her back to reality.

-I wasn’t… she said now looking at a smiling Gen. Yeah, I totally was looking, she admitted.

-It’s ok to look dear.

-But it’s not professional.

-Can I have a sex on the beach please.

-Of course.

 

 

The party was going well, she exchanged some playful looks with Jensen, reinforcing her « bad fanfiction » thoughts. She was not staring at him when a little girl came to her, asking for a drink.

-I’d like to have a drink too, one with cherries and fancy little umbrellas, she said.

-Oh really, and what would you like exactly?

-I don’t know, a drink.

-Ok then, what’s your name? she asked, even though she knew exactly who the little girl was.

-It’s Justice Jay Ackles, but you can call me J.J, everyone calls me J.J.

-And what do you prefer, Justice or J.J?

-Huh, I don’t know. Nobody has ever asked me before. I think I would like to be call by my name sometimes, or just, another nickname.

-Well, I’ll call you Justice, until I find a new nickname for you. So tell me Justice, what do you prefer, sweet or sour?

-Can I say both?

-‘Course you can, answered the bartender while she was pouring some orange juice in her shaker.

 

She added some pineapple juice and a tiny drip of grenadine with a lot of ice and started to shake. She chose one of the plastic glasses and dropped the ring in lemon juice, then in the sugar plate and poured the mix in it. She added a pink little umbrella, two cherries on a plastic toothpick and a straw, and handed it to the little girl.

-There you go, she said.

 

Smiling, the little girl immediately drew the straw to her mouth and smiled widely to Lena.

-It tastes like heaven.

-How would you like to name it?

-Name it? asked Justice.

-Yes, it’s new, it’s unique. So you have to name it.

-Oh, I don’t know. What about… she brought a tiny finger to her chin, thinking. What about Justice Heaven?

-It’s pretty cool, answered Lena.

 

She was about to say something else but she noticed Jensen standing near the bar with a fond smile in his face. She blushed a little and took a step away from the little girl.

-You are good with kids, said the actor.

-I used to want tons of them, she said with a hint of sadness in her voice.

-Used?

-Kind of a long story. Do you want another beer? she asked changing the subject.

-No actually I just wanted to talk to you. Hey baby, why don’t you go play with the other kids huh? Maison is all alone with the boys, you gotta keep her company.

-Right dad, but I wanted a drink and now I’ve made friends with the drinks lady.

-It’s ok baby, but now daddy wants to talk to her too ok?

-Yeah ok.

 

With a skip in her pace, Justice was walking to the other children, making Lena smiled. She looked at Jensen and swallowed hard, pinched herself a little too hard and waited.

-So, he started. Do you like living in Vancouver?

-It’s a great city actually, I’m enjoying myself. Not quite as adventurous as I thought I would feel, but I’m content.

-What do you mean?

-Oh nothing, what about you?

-Yeah I like it. Kinda miss my hometown sometimes but, I don’t know I got used to it and, it’s kind of a home here too. Do you miss your home sometimes?

-I don’t consider where I came from like my home. For me, home is more like a feeling, not necessarily a place.

-Ok then, he said curious but not pushing.

-Yeah. So, season 12 huh?

-Yep. You a fan of the show? he said with a smirk.

-Yeah you can say that, she answered not wanting to tell him how obsessed she was.

-Who’s your favorite? he asked wiggling his eyebrows.

-Oh honey you’ll have to buy me dinner first if you want to know all my dirty secrets, she answered with a malicious smile.

-That’s not fair, he whined. At least tell me which season was your favorite?

-Huh… well that is a difficult question. I don’t really have one. But if I really had to choose, I’d say the ninth.

-Why?

-Why do you want to know this?

-I don’t know, I’m trying to learn something out of the new girl I guess, he said shrugging his shoulders.

-Here’s what I’m gonna tell you. I’m 29 years old and my favorite color is green.

-Interesting, he answered with a smile. I’ll see you around Lena, he said leaving her little work space to go talk to Jared.

 

It was around eleven, when Gen came to her with a big smile on her face. She jumped on the little stool, never letting go of the smile.

-You are officially off duty my dear, she said.

-Oh, you sure there is still some people here?

-Yeah I’m sure.

-Ok. I’ll clean and then I’ll go.

-What? No, that was NOT what I meant.

-Ok?

-Don’t clean, just go mingle with everyone. You’ve done enough. If they want something, from now on they can do it themselves, she said winking.

-But, I… I don’t know anyone, she protested.

-That is not true. You know me, and Jared and Jensen.

-Yeah, ok.

-And please, have a drink. That must have been torture.

-Kinda, she said taking a beer out of the freezer.

 

*** 

 

 

Jensen was drinking a beer peacefully, when he saw Gen talking to Lena. Deep down, he hoped she wouldn’t come to him. No that wasn’t true, deep _deep_ down, he wanted her to come because he found her really receptive to his flirt but, yeah he hoped she wouldn’t come. Truth is, he was afraid. Yeah he was charming, he was a flirt.  But he was, somehow, torn between wanting to get some action and the « still too alive » pain in his heart. He was still grieving his dead wife and his two unborn child, but he was also still a man. Lena was beautiful, she had a charming smile and some wild hair that made her look a little rebellious.

 

When he finally looked up from his empty beer, he saw her coming to him and he sighed. She was really attractive but he couldn’t do that, not yet, so he made a decision. He would stop flirting and just be… _just be_!

 

She smiled widely at him and handed him a beer, sitting beside him. He thanked her with his eyes and took the beer.

-I’m a guest now, she said.

-Do you have fun?

-Yes. But I noticed you all alone and, I wanted to come cheer you up a little bit.

-I, huh, thank you.

-You were thinking about your wife huh?

-Something like that yeah, he admitted sadly.

-It probably won’t make a difference in the world but, I cried when I read the news.

-I received tons and tons of mail saying exactly this, and believe it or not, I’ve read every single one of them. It does make a difference.

-But it doesn’t send the pain away, she said almost in a whisper.

-No, it doesn’t.

-I ran away from everything, just because I was too scared to be myself in front of my friends and family, she said.

-And are you yourself right now? he asked realizing that she was changing the subject by sharing with him some part of her story.

-Yes. As weird as I want to be. I will return someday, but… for now I’m happy here.

-Even though it’s not as adventurous as you hoped?

-Maybe it’s not adventurous, but it’s certainly interesting.

-Thank you.

-What for?

-For cheering me up.

-No problem.

-And, huh, sorry for all the flirting before. It’s just…

-Hey I was flirting too, I think we should start over? What do you think?

-Why not… he said with a shrug.

-Hi. I’m Eleanor, she said extending her hand to him.

-Nice to meet you Eleanor, I’m Jensen, he answered taking her hand.

-I think we’ll be great friends, she said with a little wink.

-I’d like that.

 

 ***

 

 

Later that night, while she was finally in her bed, she smiled. She was proud of herself. She hadn’t really got all adventurous, but she had succeeded in at least one thing. She truly was herself here. She was happy, for the first time in… well _forever_.

-Who would have thought that I, in all people, would end up friends with Jensen Ackles.

 

Hearing her mistress voice, Whisky looked at her and started purring. Lena caressed her head a little and smiled.

-I think we could officially run out the bad fan fiction, she said in a whisper just before falling asleep, still caressing her cat’s head.


	5. How’s that for adventurous?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt generous =P I had a lot of fun writing this one^^

   
  
---  
  
In the month that followed, Lena found herself becoming more and more friend with Jared and Jensen, especially Jensen. Which was, kind of unexpected. The first time Jared texted her to ask if she wanted to come over for dinner, she had to pinched herself just to see if it was real. Turns out it was, and she had a great time. Gen was hilarious, she was so easy to approach that within two weeks, the brunette had completely forgot that her social circle was almost entirely made of famous people. For her, they were just friends. Every time they would come to the pub, they would end up spending the night with her, laughing and having a good time. On her last Monday off, Gen had called her to come with for shopping, which she had gladly accepted.

 

The last time she had dinner at the Padalecki’s house, everyone was there. Jensen and Justice, Misha with his little family, and they all made sure that she felt welcome, which she felt. It was overwhelming. She didn’t really remember how it happened but at one point she was running in the house, playing with the kids while everyone was looking at her with an amused smile on their face. With a malicious smile on her, she lightly touched Jensen’s shoulder screaming that he was now the cat, before resuming her running with the kids. With a shrug, Jensen jumped of his chair and started chasing them. Soon, everyone was playing tag in the house. That was a good night. Eleanor had always loved playing with children, but everyone had always told her that she was way too old to do things like that. Now that she was free and didn’t care about what everyone else might think, well she enjoyed it. And another proof that she was now surrounded by true friends was that they didn’t say anything, they just played along.

 

She smiled at the memory, standing alone near the bar waiting for the drinks for one of her table. She was so happy; her face was hurting. She knew, without a doubt that she had made the best decision in her life when she decided to leave. When she turned around, her smile grew wider. Jensen was standing there waiting for her to notice his presence.

-Hey stranger, said the waitress.

-Hey, how are you?

-I’m good, you?

-I’m pretty good actually. Just wanted to let you know that I’ll pick you up at 10’ tomorrow.

-What for? asked Lena, trying to remember if they had something planned.

-I found an adventure, he said with the goofiest smile she had ever seen.

-An adventure?

-Yep, you said, more than once, that you thought your life here wasn’t as adventurous as you though it would be.

-What kind of adventure?

-Not telling.

-Then I’m not going, she answered.

-Come on. I promise it’ll be fun.

-Don’t you have work to do tomorrow?

-Nop, not filming.

-Fine, fine.

-Good, I have to go now. Just, uh. Wear casual clothes, and bring a change of clothes.

-Why?

-I’ll see you tomorrow Chipette, said the actor before he leaves.

 

Lena shook her head in exasperation as she watched him leave. She definitely wasn’t a fan of the nickname he decided to give her. After all, a chipmunk wasn’t exactly something a girl wanted to be compared with. Even though she knew it was because one of The Chipettes names was Eleanor, she still didn’t like it. Well, she wanted to, but truth to be told she kinda loved it. Eleanor was cute, little curvy chipmunk kinda cute.

 

 ***

 

 

The next morning, she woke up excited. She didn’t even know where she was going but as long as she was with Jensen, she knew it would be cool. She ate slowly, taking all of her time to savor her coffee.

 

After her shower, she chose her most comfortable jeans, a black t-shirt and her favorite hoodie. She grad her sleeveless coat and put some clothes in a bag. Ten minutes later, she heard some knocks on the door and opened it. She swallowed hard, trying not to show him that she was affected. Jensen was wearing dark jeans, a grey t-shirt and an emerald vest. He was so freakin’ hot, her eyes were burning for a second.

-Nice hoodie, said Jensen bringing her back to reality.

 

She looked at herself and smiled, she hasn’t thought about it when she chose that one, but it was a hoodie from the show. It was black and said: saving people, hunting things. She gave him a shy smile.

-Do you want me to change?

-No! Why?

-Ok. No reason. Can we go?

-Are you ok?

-Yeah, absolutely, she said. _No absolutely not, you are way too hot to be real_ , she thought.

 

Once in Jensen’s car, he smiled and gave her a paper. She took it and started reading, when she finally realized what it was her heart missed a beat.

-Whistler bungee bridge, are you fucking crazy?

-Nop, we are going to jump of a bridge, he said proud of himself.

-I am not.

-Yes you are, you wanted something adventurous, this is an adventure.

-Jensen Ackles I am not jumping of a bridge you hear me, turn around and bring me back home.

-Nop.

-Jensen, I’m not jumping.

-‘Course you are, we both are.

 

She crossed her arms on her chest, resigned… for the moment. It was clear that he wasn’t going to bring her back, but she wasn’t going to jump. There was no way in hell that she would jump of a fucking bridge. No fucking way.

 

Jensen finally stopped the car and she could see other people gathering near the bridge. She felt sick. Smiling like a fool, Jensen get off the car and came to her side, opening the door for her, _what a gentleman_.

-Come on Chipette, it’ll be fun.

-No, I’m not moving. Go if you want I’ll wait here.

-It supposed to be an adventure for you Lena. Come with me, he said reaching her hand, forcing her to follow him.

 

She took a look at the bridge and felt even sicker. How could _that_ be fun? And why couldn’t he just let go? She followed him, shaking and feeling dizzy, while he registered their names. She didn’t want to do this, but in the same time now that she was there, it was exciting. Oh she was terrified, completely terrified and about to pee on herself, but… yeah it was exciting. She followed the group near the bridge and squeezed, more like crushed, Jensen’s hand.

-I am afraid of heights, she whispered.

-Me too, but that’s the point. Because the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile.

-Don’t quote chasing liberty to me, she said smirking a little bit.

-Look, it’s gonna worth it I promise. We can jump together if you want.

-We can?

-Yes, you can do it alone or we can do it in tandem.

 

She looked in his eyes and felt the sickness disappearing a little bit. It was calm and reassuring. She took a deep breath, squeezed his hand a little more and said.

-Ok, I’ll do it. We’ll do it together.

-Good, because it’s our turn, he answered smiling.

-Already…

 

The monitor explained to them what he was doing, tying and knotting ropes and carabiner, making sure they were safe. _Well as safe as you could be while jumping of a fucking bridge_ , she thought. All through the process, she never once let go of her friend’s hand, way too much terrified to do it.

-Alright lovebirds, said the monitor, you just walk in the platform and when you are ready, you jump. Since you are doing a tandem jump, the impact will be a little harder but don’t worry it’s all normal. Once you are done bouncing, just pulled where I told you before and you will fall in the water. A boat will come and bring you to the shore. Any questions?

-No we’re good thanks, said Jensen.

 

They walked, more like hobbled really, until they reached the point where they would have to jump.

-You’ll have to let go of my hand eventually, said Jensen in her ears.

-I… I can’t.

-Hold my waist instead.

 

She let go of his hand and grabbed him by the waist, pulling him closer in the same time. He did the same, wrapping his long arms around her. They were close. So close that Lena could hide her face in his chest, which she did, too scared to look anywhere else.

-I’ll count to three, when I reach three you just move one step to your right ok?

-I hate you, she said, her face still hiding.

-1…

 

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She felt like she was about to faint.

 

-2…

 

She closed her eyes tighter, she couldn’t even think about opening them to take a look.

 

-3…

 

She tightened her grip around his waist and move to her right, holding her breath.

 

The feelings that follow were indescribable. It was amazing. She thought it would be terrifying but it was freeing, at that moment she felt everything. She slowly opened her eyes and took a look around. It was insane. She was bouncing in the air, and she had never felt more safe in her life. Everything was heightened, she pushed her head off Jensen and look at him. Judging by the look on his face, he was experiencing the same thing and that made her smile.

-I’ve never felt so alive in my life, she said. Thank you Jensen.

 

They finally pulled the ropes that would allowed them to fall in the water and waited for the boat to come and get them. It was cold, Lena was freezing, his teeth chattered together. She separated from Jensen to go in the little chalet and take a shower, which was a really nice thing to have because, yeah she was freezing.

 

She finally emerged from the chalet, wearing a lighter jeans and a pink shirt with a heart shape on it. Jensen was wearing jeans too and a dark grey Henley. She took a sit in the car and waited.

-Are you hungry? asked her friend.

-I’m starving.

-Good, I know a place, not too far away. Wanna go?

-Yep.

 

 ***

 

They ended up in a place call Splitz Grill, who claimed to make the best burgers. A cute hostess sat them, while ignoring Lena completely to look at Jensen, and a waitress came to them not so long after that.

-Good afternoon, can I get you something to drink?

-Whatever beer you have on tap, said Lena.

-Same.

-Alright, I’ll let you watch the menu and be back shortly.

 

Eleanor noticed that some people were looking at them, but decided to ignore it. After all, she was with Jensen Ackles, it was expected. The waitress came back with their beers and took out her little pad to scratch their order.

-You ready?

-I’m not sure, go ahead with his order.

-I’ll take the splitz special burger, with the mixed fries.

-Do you want the regular or the double meat version?

-Oh, double, he said with a smile.

-That’s interesting, I’ll have the same thing, said Lena.

-Regular? asked the waitress as if it was impossible for a girl to eat the double portion.

-No, double too.

-Ok. That shouldn’t be too long.

 

-What? she said, noticing the amaze expression in Jensen’s face.

-Nothing, I’m… I’m just surprised. I’m use to girls ordering salad or, I dunno, healthier meal.

-Yeah well, I’m not gonna starve myself for some stupid and unrealistic society standard. If I crave a burger, I eat a burger. I may be a little curvier than other girls but I honestly don’t give a fuck.

-That… that wasn’t a reproach. I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

-Oh, sorry. I’m uh, sorry.

-It’s ok. And by the way, you may be a little curvier, but you are also a lot sexier than others.

-Are you flirting with me Jensen Ackles?

-No, ‘course not. I’m just being honest, answered the man with a little smirk on his lips.

 

They talked some more waiting for their meals and Jensen couldn’t repress his smile when his friend took her first bite and moan around her burger. She was definitely something else. They ate almost in silence, too interested by their meal to talk.

-So, started the actor, this isn’t exactly a dinner but, can I ask you that question again?

-Whaf quefshion? she asked with her mouth full.

-Who’s your favorite? he asked laughing.

-You are dying to know, huh? said the girl pointing a fries at him.

-Kinda.

-I am team Dean since the first sentence you said on that show, she admitted her mouth still half full.

-Which was?

-Whoa, easy, tiger.

-Wow, I’m actually surprised, everyone always referred to the: dad’s on a hunting trip…

-Followed by Sam telling Dean that he scared the crap out of him. With Dean mocking him saying that was because he was out of practice. Then Sam made a move and Dean was on the floor and said, or not.

 

She stopped when she noticed Jensen looking at her with his mouth open, with a terrified look on his face, almost as if he was ready to get the hell away as far as possible from her. She realized that she might have sound a little too obsessed about the show.

-I just sound like a crazy obsessed groupie right?

-I’m, uh… I didn’t even remember that before you said it, he said.

-Yeah, uh. I’m, this… I’m really embarrassed right now.

-How many time did you watch it?

-Not that much, honestly. I’ve watched 1 to 10, two times. It’s just, I have a fucking good memory for things like that. I still remember the first sentence Buffy said in the first episode, and THAT was like almost fifteen years ago.

-And what was it, I’m curious?

-She was having a bad dream and when she woke up her mom yell at her and she said I’m up mom, then Joyce said something about not wanting to be late and she answer quietly no… wouldn’t want that.

-So basically you have a huge memory for everything you’ve seen in a show?

-Yup. Now thanks to every show I’ve watch I now know some spell from the evil queen, some curious lore about vampire and demon and werewolf and I do know how to exorcise a demon. And yes before you ask, I know that by heart.

-No way, you can recite that?

-Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica. Ergo, draco maledicte. Ecclesiam tuam securi tibi facias libertate servire, te rogamus, audi nos.

-Wow. So, back to our principal topic. Team Dean huh?

-Yep, well I did have a little Castiel phase, but… Team Dean. Wanna know something funny?

-Go ahead.

-Back home, I didn’t have a lot of friends. Well, yes I had, but not real friends. I had this one friend, one real friend, she was obsessed with Supernatural. Long before I even think about watching it. Yeah I started the show like two years ago. Anyway, as you might know already, I do love burgers but I’ve I ever told you what my favorite dessert is?

-Nop?

-It’s pie. And I’m kind crude, all the time… Anyway, she used to call me Dean, and everytime I was like what the fuck… Took me about three episodes to understand.

-So you are a female version of my character?

-Kinda.

-I agree with that, because only Dean would moan like you did around a burger.

-It was fucking delicious ok.

-It was.

-Thanks for today. Seriously. It was one hell of an adventure.

-Yep it was.

-I’m glad I’ve met you Jensen, seriously. And I’m not saying this because you’re famous. I’m glad I’ve met _YOU_ , the man behind. The amazing friend behind the famous actor. Thank you, for letting me in.

-You are an amazing friend too Chipette, you’ve made me laugh in the last month and god knows I needed it.

-Maybe we were destined to be friend.

-Everything happens for a reason.

-Right, she said holding her beer in the air. To good friends.

-To good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys afraid of heights? I am! and I'm telling ya I would NEVER jump off a bridge... well, maybe if Jensen Ackles was holding me tight I would... =P Hope you liked it.


	6. Pumpkin spice and everything nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for you :)  
> This one was really fun to write. I do love kids, and my interpretation of Justice in it is really close to my little niece, although she is younger but still. 
> 
> There is some French at the end, but I translated it for ya so don't worry.
> 
> I hope you enjoy,   
> as always kudos and comment are very welcome :)

Next Saturday, Jensen was enjoying a lazy morning in bed, waiting for his daughter to wake up. At first, after Danneel accident, it was crazy hard to wake up alone in his bed, but after almost two months, he was starting to get better. He wasn’t healed, not at all. He still found himself crying in the bathroom, hiding from Justice, or waking up in the middle of the night searching for his wife, but he was getting better. He was happy to go back to work at first, welcoming the distraction but that’s what it was, just a distraction. Coming home every night alone with his daughter, that was hard. He talked to Jared, a lot, but even this wasn’t enough. He hadn’t expected to find some peace in his new friend. At first, he just wanted to distract himself, one good night of sex before going back to mourning, but there was something with Eleanor that was different. After the barbecue at Jared’s house, he realised that what he needed the most, more than distraction and sex, was someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t just always ask him if he was ok, because he was not. He was still in pain, and he could see all the sorry looks in each of his friend. Lena was different, of course she knew, the entire planet knew he lost his wife and his two unborn child in a car accident, but she wasn’t acting like he was about to break. She was fun, and sarcastic and just what he needed. So in a month and a half, she had become one of his best friend. He wanted, needed to spend more time with her. She was like a balm on his wounded heart.

-Good morning Daddy, I’m hungry, said Justice appearing at the end of his bed.  
-Good morning beautiful, what do you wanna eat this morning?  
-What about scrambled eggs, said the little girl, climbing on her father’s laps.  
-Only if you help me, he answered bringing her closer for a big hug.

The little girl hugged him too and for a second he thanked God, or whoever might listen, that he had his little princess. She was his everything. They went to the kitchen and started cooking breakfast.  
-What are we doing today Daddy?  
-I was thinking about a pumpkin field trip, we could pick up our own pumpkins and maybe see some farm animals.  
-Oh yes, I would like that.  
-We’ll go after lunch though; it’ll be a little too cold outside otherwise.  
-Do you think Lena would want to come with us? asked the little girl, surprising her father.  
-I don’t know JJ, Lena is working on Saturday and she might not want to spend a day searching for pumpkins.  
-But she loves kid, she played tag with us and she told us stories.  
-She is still working, said Jensen not wanting to let his daughter to get her hopes up.  
-Maybe she isn’t working all day, can we please ask her? she said with puppy eyes.  
-Alright, alright. Go brush your teeth and I’ll give it a try.  
-I’m sure she’ll come, said the girl before running to do what her father had ask of her.

 

Lena was sitting on her couch, eyes wide open watching her favorite show. The next season arrived the day before, and she had spent the last sixteen hour watching it. The last episode was about to end, when her phone started ringing on her lap. She smiled when she saw who it was and answered with a light grin on her face.   
-Please tell me that Sam isn’t dead, fucking show. Fucking cliff hanger. Mary is back, oh my…   
-Hello Lena, how are you?  
-Tired as fuck, and frustrated. You?  
-I’m good actually. And as you might be aware, no Sam isn’t dead. The Winchesters can’t die.  
-What a pissed off final, she sighed.  
-Shut up, you love it.  
-I do.  
-So what, you bought the DVD’s?  
-No, watched it on Netflix. It arrived yesterday.  
-And you finished it already?  
-Of course, I watched it for the last sixteen hours.  
-You are a crazy lady.  
-That I am. Why are you calling?  
-Oh actually, it’s nothing. Forget I called.  
-What the fuck? Why are you so cryptic right now, I’m way too tired to play along, so if you have something to say, you better say it now before I fall asleep on the phone.  
-It’s just that, I’m going to a farm with Justice today, we are going to collect pumpkins and, well you know that kind of things and she kinda asked me to invite you. I told her you were working on Saturday anyway so….  
-I’m not working.  
-Since when?  
-I wasn’t supposed to work on weekends. But Alyson hired someone this week and she made him work this weekend to know if he was up to the challenge. Which gave me, lucky girl, the weekend off.  
-But you spent the night watching Supernatural…  
-What time are you going?  
-I don’t know, around 1 or 2’.  
-Pick me up.  
-You sure? Seriously Eleanor, you don’t have to.  
-I want to. I’ll spend a day with my best friend, one wonderful little girl and I’ll have pumpkins for all my crazy ideas.  
-You sure?  
-100%, not I’ll go to sleep until 1:55, see you, she said before hanging up.

She contemplated for about a second getting up of the couch and sleeping in her bed, but it took her about a second after the thought crossed her mind to deny it. She quickly set an alarm on her cell phone, tightened her snuggie around her and fell asleep almost instantly.

When her phone started to sing, she had the feeling she has just fallen asleep, but it was already time. She got up lazily, knotted her hair in a messy bun on top of her head and put some clothes, without really looking at it. She put some music, while waiting for her friend and drinking her coffee.

Jensen and Justice arrived around 2:15, and Jensen was smiling widely at her when she opened the door.  
-Are you listening to old rock, wearing a plaid flannel shirt?  
-Yes? asked the woman with a frown.  
-I guess your friend was right to call you Dean. Next thing I’ll know you have some old classic car hidden somewhere.  
-One day, one day, said the girl. How are you little one?  
-I’m good, can we go now. I want to have the largest pumpkin of the field.  
-Can I have the second largest? Because I’m planning on baking tons and tons of pumpkin pie, asked the brunette.  
-Yes, but only if I can help you bake them. I love cooking.  
-Justice, sighed Jensen.  
-Deal, said Lena winking at Justice.

 

Once they arrived at the farm, the little girl was out of control. Jensen was about the give an apologetic look at his friend, but just before he could do it she started running around the pumpkins, as excited as the little girl was. He smiled and started chasing them. There were other families in the field and soon enough, JJ started playing with two girls that looked about the same age. Lena came back to him holding a miniature pumpkin in her palm, grinning like a damn fool. The pumpkin was about the size of a strawberry.  
-Look at that, it’s so cute, she said.  
-It’s a tiny pumpkin, said the actor amused.  
-It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, it’s a baby pumpkin. I can’t… I just can’t… I love tiny little shit like that. I must have it.  
-Do you have any idea how adorable you are right now? asked the man before really thinking.  
-Uh… I probably look like some crazy girl who just escaped from an asylum.  
-Nah, a little bit crazy yes, but… it’s fine.  
-So, what are your plans after we get our pumpkins?  
-We’ll go see the animals, maybe take some pictures. And after that, I’m bringing you home, because you put yourself in trouble telling Justice that you would bake pie with her.  
-I don’t mind cooking with her. It’s gonna be fun. We’ll prepare the pie and then we’ll have pumpkins to carve. So unless you really don’t want too, you’ll be stuck with me for the rest of the day.  
-I don’t mind, I just thought that maybe you would want to get some sleep. You did spend sixteen hours watching Netflix.  
-It’s nothing. I always do that. I watched season 5 to 10 in six days.  
-And you do that for all of your shows?  
-Yep. Well, I’m a little less obsessed with the other ones, but a season never last more than three or four days.  
-And what else are you watching?  
-I used to say jokingly that I’ve finished Netflix.  
-I see…  
-But mostly, the vampire diaries, once upon a time, supernatural, merlin. And many others that aren’t on Netflix. I love tv shows. Fantastic tv shows.  
-I can see that.

-Excuse me, said a teenage girl coming near them. Are you Jensen Ackles?  
-Yes, what can I do for you?  
-Oh my chuck, said the girl causing Lena to laugh at the reference. Can I have a picture with you please, my friends aren’t gonna believe me otherwise.  
-Of course, come here, said Jensen wrapping his arm around the teen’s shoulder allowing her to take a selfie of them.  
-Thank you so much.  
-You are very welcome.

-Sorry, said the actor returning his attention to Lena.  
-No need to apologise. My best friend is famous, I need to get used to that.  
-Even after all those years, I’m still a little shy when it comes to the fans.  
-You are adorable, said the girl mocking him a little bit.

They talked some more and finally Justice came back, taking both of them by the hand to show them the largest pumpkin of the field. And yes it was one large pumpkin. They took it, with four more of a more regular size and went to see the animals a little. But even though Justice loved watching them, she was excited to go home and cook with Lena.

 

 

-That’s it, you have to knead the dough, we want something smooth. Now my little secret, is that I add some cinnamon in the dough, it gives the pie a little something more. Take this spoon, put the spice in it and mix it with your dough.

Justice was listening carefully to what Lena was saying. Lena smiled fondly at her when she accidently poured way too much cinnamon in the dough.  
-I’m sorry, said the little girl.  
-You are doing good, it’ll just taste better, don’t worry.  
-What do I do next?  
-Do you know what this is?  
-Of course, it’s a rolling pin.  
-Take it and spread your dough.

Lena took her time, teaching the little girl how to make every step. At the end, even though she had guided her, the pie was almost entirely Justice’s, and that made the little girl smile the brightest smile Lena had ever seen.  
-What now?  
-Now, we let it cook in the oven and we carve our pumpkin.  
-YEAH!

Three pumpkins later, JJ’s was a classic triangle eyes one, Jensen had made an awful attempt at creating a vampire and Lena was not so proud of her witch pumpkin, requested by Justice.  
-I’m sorry darling, my wi…  
-It’s perfect. She’s ugly, but a witch should be ugly right? said the girl?  
-Yeah I suppose.

 

Later, after they ate pizza for dinner, they finally tasted the pie and everyone was satisfied. Tired, the little girl asked to go to sleep, which surprised Jensen a little bit. He always had to put up a fight with his daughter when it comes to bed time.  
-I’ll be back Lena, I’ll just tell her a story and…  
-Can Lena tell me a story?  
-Justice…  
-It’s not a problem really, said the woman.  
-Ok then. But don’t mess with her, be nice ok? he said to his little girl.  
-I promise daddy.

Lena followed Justice in her bedroom and when the little girl was comfortably tucked in her bed she looked for books.  
-Where are your books?  
-I don’t have books, daddy made up story every night.  
-Oh… I see.  
-I had fun today Lena. I cooked with my mommy before, said the little girl her voice shaking a little.  
-Yeah?  
-I miss her, my mommy.  
-It’s normal sweetheart.  
-I miss her a lot; daddy misses her too.  
-He loves her, that’s why.  
-Do you think mommy can still see me?  
-I’m sure of it. And she must be really proud of you. Baking that pie all by yourself, that was pretty amazing.  
-I wish she could taste it. Do you miss your mommy sometimes?  
-I, uh… she didn’t know what to answer. She couldn’t exactly tell a three years old girl who had just lost her mom that she didn’t get along with hers. What about that story, uh?  
-Yeah. Ok.  
-Once upon a time, there was a little princess. She was absolutely beautiful. She had light blond hair and beautiful hazel eyes. She lived in a kingdom, with her father the generous and loving King Jensen. They loved each other very, very much. In their kingdom, they had lots of pumpkins and the little princess loved playing in the field. She would run, and hide and play all day long.  
-Where is her friend?  
-Which friend, softly ask the woman.  
-Her best friend Lena, duh?  
-She’s coming, don’t worry. So, she loved to play. But what her favorite thing to do was, was to sneak in the kitchen and bake with her friend, who also was the chef of the castle. One day, she came running in the kitchen declaring that she had found the world’s largest pumpkin. Her friend Lena and her decided to bake, the largest pie with it. The little princess did almost everything all by herself. She was very talented. Once she was done, they cut the pie in equal pieces and traveled in all the kingdom to give everyone a piece of pie.

As she was finishing her story, she noticed that the little girl had fallen asleep, with a smile on her face. She leaned forward a little bit and kissed her forehead. She didn’t exactly know why, maybe it was because she couldn’t have children of her own, but she was getting attached to the little girl in a way she had never imagined was possible.

 

 

-That was a really cute story you told her, said Jensen as she came sitting next to him in the living room.  
-You heard?  
-I was kinda curious.  
-I like her, she is a wonderful child.  
-You really love kids, uh?  
-Yep.  
-How come you don’t have one?  
She never liked talking about that part of herself, every time someone would ask, she would make up a story about never having found the right person. But that wasn’t the truth. For the first time, she felt like she could tell someone, that it would actually heal that part of herself.  
-I can’t, she started releasing a breath she didn’t know she was holding. There is one in four chance for a woman to get pregnant, for me it’s one in a hundred. I’m not fertile. I only have one ovary that produces eggs, and the number of those eggs is kinda way, way under the average amount.  
-I’m… I’m sorry I asked. Have you consulted a gynecologist, I don’t know… just, if you could get into in vitro or something like that?

She sighed again, maybe it was a good time to tell him her story.  
-I don’t need to consult a gynecologist.  
-Of course you need to…  
-I am a gynecologist, she said, cutting him.  
-I’m sorry what?  
-This is what I did back home, this is one of the reasons why it was hard to leave. I had patients and…  
-Why are you a waitress in O’s?  
-Because when I arrived, I didn’t know if I wanted to be the same person I was. Now I know that, my job was something I actually like. Being a gynecologist was one of the part of myself that I love, that I wish to keep.  
-Ok…  
-But not now, I’m not ready just yet.  
-Why did you leave? he risked asking.

With a lot a patience, she told him. She told him everything. How she never felt herself, how she always had a strange feeling to be out of place. Everything. At the end, she was crying, not a sobbing kind of crying but there were tears falling on her cheeks. Without thinking, he took her in his arm and rocked her a little bit. They stayed like this for a while, minutes, maybe hours, she didn’t know. She felt so good, so safe in his arm that she was afraid to move.

 

 

When she finally arrived home, she was still a little shaken up by her day. First Justice asking about her mom, and telling her story to Jensen. She looked at her phone and, with trembling hands, dialed a number. She didn’t care what time it was, she needed to do it now, or else she wouldn’t do it. She felt relief when she heard the first note of the voice mail, she didn’t know if she would have been able to speak directly. Speaking to a machine seemed like a good option at the moment.  
-Allô maman (Hi mom), she said hesitantly. C’est moi Eleanor. J’espère que tu vas bien? Moi je vais bien, très bien.(It’s me Eleanor. I hope you’re good? I’m good, very good.) Je suis bien ici, je me sens à ma place.(I’m good here, I feel like I’m finaly at the right place.) Je, je voulais entendre ta voix, un tout petit peu.(I wanted to hear your voice, just a little bit). Je voulais te rassurer, te dire que j’étais en vie (I just wanted to reassure you and tell you that I’m alive). Je sais que, que partir comme ça c’était peut-être un peu égoïste, mais j’avais besoin de le faire, (I know that leaving like this was a little selfish, but I needed to do it) she took a pause thinking about her next word. Je ne suis pas prête à te donner mon numéro, pas encore. (I’m not ready to give you my number, not yet) Pour l’instant, je me cherche encore un petit peu. (For now, I’m still searching myself a little bit) Mais je vais bien, et… tu me manques. (But I’m good and… I miss you) Je t’aime maman. Je t’aime!(I love you mom. I love you!)

She hung up the phone and sighed, she knew it was a good thing. That her mom would be relieved to hear from her, but in an instant she felt all of her fears, all of her doubts coming back to her. Was she enough? Where Jensen and everyone else just trying to mold her into someone she was not? She shook her head, trying to chase those thoughts out of her mind, but she couldn’t. She curled up on herself, right here on the floor of her living room and started to cry, again. Whisky came to her side and purred, trying to calm her mistress. She fell asleep on the floor, with the slight realisation that she wasn’t near ready to talk to her family, or friend. She needed much more time to find herself.


	7. In the smile of a child, you’ll find every answers you needed, for they are pure and beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special warning =P  
> Frozen spoilers (like there is someone who hasn't seen the movie YET XD)
> 
> oh...OH and, uh...  
> SMUT TIME ;) not much, but still =P

_Carry on my wayward son_

_There'll be peace when you are done_

_Lay your weary head to rest_

_Don't you cry no more_

 

Wrapped in her blankets, Lena whined a little bit, hoping for the song to stop. It was still dark in her room, and she knew, _she just fucking knew_ , that it was way too soon to wake up. She desperately threw the blanket over her head, but the song wouldn’t stop. She growled, even though she knew no one would hear her and grabbed her phone on the nightstand.

-WHAT? she barked not even looking who was calling her.

 

If the mysterious caller was dumb enough to call her this soon, he didn’t deserve politeness.

-Hi Lena, I’m so so so freaking sorry to wake you up.

-Why are you calling me at ass o’clock in the morning Jensen?

-I have a huge favor to ask.

-Dude seriously, what can I possibly do for you at, she put her cell phone in front of her and squinted a little, still adjusting to the light. 5:30 in the morning?

-Justice is sick, I can’t send her to the daycare. I would ask Gen but she is out of town for the week.

 

In an instant, Lena was on her feet, already searching for clothes in her mess of a room.

-I know it’s your day off, and I’m really sorry but I have to film today and…

-I’m on my way, simply said the girl before hanging up.

 

She had spent more and more time with the girl since the pumpkin field trip and she loved her. Despite de fact that she went to sleep only three hours ago, she was happy to spend the day with her little friend. Every time she was with Justice, it was like every thing else in the world didn’t matter.

 

Last week, she had participated to decorate the house for Christmas. She was reluctant at first, because she felt sad for Danneel. She was happy to be a part of Jensen and Justice’s life, but it made her sad to think that this wonderful mom couldn’t be with her family anymore. She was about to say no, but when Justice begged her with her sad puppy face, combined with the smile she shared with Jensen, her resistance just fell. She had exchange a look with Jensen, silently asking him if it was ok and he had just smile fondly at her.

 

When she finally pulled the car in the Ackles house’s driveway, her stomach started to growl, reminding her that she hadn’t taken the time to eat.

-Thank you so much Lena, you have no idea.

-It’s nothing, my little princess and I are going to have fun. Go now. You don’t want to be late.

-I’m already late, I was supposed to be there for 6.

-One more reason to hurry, she said rushing him out of the house.

-I wrote down some instructions, he said climbing in his car.

-Bye Jensen.

 

 

 ***

 

After one dose of Tylenol and chocolate pancake, please don’t tell Jensen, for breakfast, Justice was… well, like any normal three years old girl. They started by playing some of her toys, starting by barbies then playing with dolls and finally, building one massive castle with her mega blocks. Lena was so proud of their construction that she took a selfie of them and posted it on her Instagram page. Around 10’, Justice started to be a little bit gloomy, so Lena decided that it was time for a nap. She set the girl in her bed, and before she finished singing « I love you » from Barney, she was already asleep. A little bit tired herself, Lena decided to rest a little bit on the couch. Just a minute.

 

Imagine her surprised when Justice gently caressed her cheek three hours later. She opened her eyes, disoriented at first and sat up in the couch.

-Did you just wake up sweetheart?

-Yes, I called you but you wouldn’t come.

-I’m sorry honey, I didn’t plan on sleeping.

-It’s ok. Daddy does that too sometimes.

-Are you hungry, we kinda skipped lunch?

-A little bit.

-Ok. I’m gonna give you another dose of your syrup and then I’m gonna make us some sandwiches, what do you say?

-Perfect. I love sandwiches.

-Ok then.

 

The rest of the day went like this. They played and JJ even took another nap around three. Lena took the opportunity to clean a little bit, feeling suddenly kinda weird being there all alone. Around four, her phone started to sing again.

-Hi!

-Hi Chipette, how is it going?

-We are doing fine. Justice is taking a nap right now, it’s a little bit late but I figured since she was sick, it was ok.

-Yeah, if she needs to sleep let her. Look, I’m not gonna make it until around 9’. Could you stay?

-‘Course I can, what’s that question.

-I don’t know, maybe you had plans.

-On a Monday night, right this is usually the night I went out and find someone to get laid, said the girl.

-Really funny.

-But what if I wasn’t here? I mean, what would you do?

-It’s… it never happened since, uh… he didn’t finish, he wasn’t able to.

-Ok, well. Took your time Jay, I’m not going anywhere. We are gonna cook something nice to eat, me and Justice, and maybe have a slumber party.

-Ok. Thank you.

-Yeah it’s nothing, you’ll owe me a dinner.

-Deal.

-Now go back to work, I want a season 12.

-You’ll have it, we are actually in the…

-SHUT UP. Don’t spoil me you idiot.

-Like it would bother you, miss I read the resume of each episode before I even watch the season.

-Yeah, but that was my decision.

-Alright crazy chipette, I’m hanging up now.

-Yeah you better.

 

She was smiling like a fool when Justice appeared in the kitchen, her pillow printed on her face. When Lena approached her, she noticed the sad look on the little girl’s face and when she reached out to Lena, the brunette felt her heart sinking a little bit.

-What’s wrong dear? asked the babysitter taking the girl in her arms.

-I’m not sure, but I think I dreamt of mommy.

-Oh my sweet little bee, do you wanna talk about it. Wanna tell me what the dream was about?

-I was in the yard, and we were drinking tea.

-That is a beautiful dream.

-She didn’t stay, I miss her, said the girl now sobbing in Lena’s arm.

-Shhh, shhh. It’s gonna be alright Justice.

-Do you think daddy is gonna find me another mommy? Like in my fairy tales? What if she hates me?

-Well, first of all I don’t think daddy is ready to find someone else. I think he still misses your mommy too much. And secondly, all stepmothers aren’t like those in the fairy tales. I’m sure that when the time comes, if it comes, you will have a wonderful stepmother.

-Stepmother is another mommy?

-Kinda, but not quite. You see, you can only have one mommy, and no matter what happens, no matter how far she goes, she will still be in your heart. That’s the beauty of that special link that you had with your mommy. But sometimes, we can also love an other person. Like it will be ok if daddy love another woman, or even you. The heart is a special place, it can grow and grow with unlimited space. So you can love someone else, without having to stop loving your mommy.

-If I have to choose, I’d chose you. You would make a good stepmommy.

 

Hugging the little girl tightly, Lena let some tears fall of her eyes. She loved that little girl more than she had ever loved anything in her life. They stayed like this a moment, sharing something special. Justice was too young to really understand what was happening. But in this moment, Lena knew, without any doubts, that his little girl would be in her life for ever. No matter what would happen with her friendship with Jensen, she would fight for her little friend. Without even realising it, she had created a strong bond with the child. She wiped her tears and stood up, trying to recollect herself.

-Daddy is not gonna be here for dinner, do you wanna help me cook it?

-Yes.

 

 

*** 

 

-What’s a pajama party? asked Justice.

-It’s a party, but we have to wear pajama. We can braid each other’s hair, put on nail polish, listen to a movie, and we can ask each other question, but you are not allowed to lie, you have to tell the truth.

-Did you bring your pajama?

-Unfortunately no, but we can still do it, even if I’m wearing jeans.

-No, if it’s a pajama party, you need to wear one.

-I don’t think you could share one of yours, said the brunette mockingly.

-But you can borrow one of daddy’s.

-No, I don’t think it’s a good idea, she protested, but the little girl was already running to her father’s room.

 

Reluctantly, Lena followed the child. She felt bad being in Jensen’s room without his permission. Although, she was a little curious to know what kind of room he had, but it wasn’t a good idea to sneak around and she knew it. She promised herself not to linger there, but she couldn’t close her eyes either. So she looked. She had thought she would find some of his wife’s things, but the room was clean of everything feminine. From the dark grey walls, the white comforter and the slight touch of royal blue, she recognized Jensen.

-Daddy kept his pajamas here, said the girl pointing one of the drawer.

 

Lena bent a little and carefully opened it, still unsure about what she was doing. She had always thought Jensen would be the kind of guy who doesn’t really have pajamas. Well, turns out she was wrong. Her friend appeared the have a tiny obsession for plaid flannel ones. She took the first one on top, a green and black one and rushed the little girl out of there.

-I’ll go change in the bathroom, why don’t you go in your room to choose your favorite one?

-Ok, said the toddler bouncing on her feet.

 

Eleanor smiled as she watched the little girl, too excited to care. Lena was, by no means skinny. She had curves, larger hips than average, without being oversized, and a large breast. But for the first time in her life, the pajama she had just borrowed was way too large for her. Jensen was tall and well built and now that she was in his clothes, it was more than obvious. Oh she knew he was muscular and large, but being in his clothes made her think about that in other ways, and it was clearly not the time nor the moment for that. She took a deep breath and collected herself.

 

With Justice’s help, she searched the house for sleeping bags and an old comforter. When they were finally all set up, JJ chose to watch Brave, which she claimed was her favorite movie. Her attention was on the movie, even thought it was clear that she had watched it at least a hundred time, while Lena was painting her nails in pink and purple. Once the movie was done, the little girl insisted on styling Lena’s hair. She accepted, obviously, and found herself wearing a dozen little pigtails everywhere on her head.

-Do you wanna play the question game? she asked Justice.

-Yes. Can I start?

-Of course sweetheart.

-What is your favorite color?

-Green, since I was a little girl. You?

-I love pink, but I also really really love yellow. Orange is a beautiful color too.

-Ok. What is your favorite animal, asked Lena.

-I love dogs, and cats.

-Mine are cats, I have one. Her name is Lady Whiskey, but I call her Whiskey or just kiki, most of the time.

-I’d love to see her.

-It could be possible.

 

They kept asking questions, and finally they decided to watch another movie. This time Lena get to choose and she chose Frozen. Yeah she was 29 years old, but it was one of her favorite movie. So sue her but she loved it and really enjoyed being all cuddled up with her little friend watching Elsa and her wonderful power. Justice and her actually got up at some point, singing and dancing with the Queen as she explored her newfound freedom. When she realised Justice had fallen asleep at her side, she hugged her a little tighter. She was tired too and she decided to close her eyes a minute, while Hans was being an asshole and explaining to Anna that he wanted to marry her just for the title. Lena hated Hans, so she didn’t care to skip that part.

 

 

*** 

 

It was almost 10’ when Jensen finally arrived home. He parked his car beside Lena’s and wondered why there was only a tiny light coming from his living room. He figured Justice was asleep, but wondered why Lena was in the dark. He had to admitted, his heart squeezed a little bit when he saw them. The lights were coming from Frozen’s menu, playing in repeat on the screen. On the floor, in a bundle of comforter and throw fleece were his daughter and his friends, asleep and cuddling. They looked peaceful, and it made him smiled. He knew that they were creating a strong link, and even if sometime it scared him, he was, especially at this moment, really happy he met Eleanor. She was good for him, but also good for his daughter. Still smiling, he picked up his daughter and, while hugging her, brought her to her room. He kissed her forehead and head downstairs.

-Lena, he whispered, crouched at her side.

-mmm.

-Lena, wake up.

 

The brunette opened her eyes slowly, taking her sweet time to stretch, letting unconsciously Jensen see her belly, then sat. If Jensen was a little flustered by the piece of skin she had shown, it disappeared quickly while he noticed her hair. He couldn’t help but laugh. Without really thinking about it, he took one of her pigtail in his hand and smile.

-You look ridiculous, he said with a fond smile on his face.

-This is your daughter’s skills that you are insulting Ackles.

-She did this?

-Yep. And _she_ said I was pretty, said the woman with a false pout on her mouth.

 

For a second, Jensen thought about leaning and kissing her, but managed to refrain himself. Lena was his best friend and he didn’t want to complicate things. That’s when he realised she was wearing his pajamas. And _that_ was a sight he didn’t know what to do with, because she looked damn good in it.

-I’m sorry about that, she said realising he was eying the piece of clothes. Justice insisted I wear a pajama.

-It’s ok I don’t mind. It looks better on you than me, he said.

-Oh, uh, well thank you, she said blushing a little bit.

-Why don’t you get up and go to the guest room.

-I can go home.

-You can do that, or you can let me make it up to you for today by cooking you an amazing breakfast tomorrow.

-A man after my own heart, she said laughing.

-Go to sleep, I’ll take a shower and do the same. Justice will be happy to see you in the morning.

 

Without any protestation, Lena walked to the guest room. She tried hard not to think about Jensen, in the shower. She was pretty sure that he wouldn’t mind if she were to join him. But they were friends, and friends didn’t take shower together. She fell asleep with that in mind, although her brain easily drifted to the first part, letting her dream about things that would make her uncomfortable in the morning.

 

 

***

 

In the shower, Jensen couldn’t help it. Deep down, he knew it was wrong. He knew that even though he was alone in his shower, he was crossing a dangerous line, but he simply couldn’t help it. Seeing Lena in his clothes like this, with all those ridiculous little pig tails and her bright hazel eyes. And that tanned belly that she involuntarily shown? He just couldn’t help it. He took his hardening cock in his hand and squeezed a little, hissing at the feeling. Gently, he started stroking. He moaned at the feeling, biting his lips to keep silent. He hadn’t touched himself in a while, even longer since his last encounter. It didn’t take long for him to feel the warming sensation in his belly, sign that he would reach his climax soon. Without even realising it, he started to imagine Lena on her knees in front of him, her perfect heart shape velvet lips wrapped around his dick. Yep, that was it. That was this image that sent him over the edge, splashing on his hand. He leaned back on the cold tile, still trembling a little, with a mix emotion situated somewhere between bliss and guilt. Yep, it would certainly be awkward to look at Lena in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks for reading this :) It makes me smile every time. And your comments always warm my heart so thank you. Now, if you're wondering... YES this really is my ringtone ;)


	8. Special dinner for the fangirl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas... sort of! I hope you'll enjoy guys, and as always kudos and comments are very welcome, but more importantly they warm my heart ;)

   
  
---  
  
-Did you invite Lena? asked Gen candidly while helping Jensen in his kitchen.

-No, was I supposed too?

-‘course you were, she said slapping him in the chest. It’s dinner for friends, and you two are practically inseparable.

-I, uh. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea Gen, he sighed.

-Why not? insisted the small girl.

-Because I, uh.

-If you don’t invite her, I will. She’s my friend too, and I’d like her to be here.

-Fine, I will, said the man leaving the kitchen.

 

Still peeling the potatoes, Gen smiled, proud of herself. From both sides, Lena and Jensen claimed that they were friends, and yes they were, but Gen was sure that they could be a little more. Even though it was still a little too soon for Jensen, she wanted to push them in the right direction.

 

 

In his bed, Jensen was toying with his phone. Not sure what to say. Since the night he had jerked off thinking about her, he felt shy around his friend. There was a part of him that wanted to just embrace it, because he was pretty sure she would be on board, but he also felt a little guilty. It was like he was betraying his wife. Deep down he knew that she would want him to be happy, but right now that just didn’t feel right. Or too right, and that was the true problem here.

 

 

 ***

 

 

Lena was reading when her phone buzzed. She looked at it and smile, seeing it was Jensen.

 

-Hello, she said.

-Hi Lena, how are you?

-I’m good, you?

-Yep, all good, he lied. I, uh. We are having a Christmas dinner with friends and I was wondering if you wanted to join us.

-Could be cool, when?

-Tonight.

-And you are asking me now?

-I was certain Gen would invite you, and she was certain I would.

-I see. At your place?

-Yep.

-Should I bring something?

-No, we are all set. Be there around 4’.

-What should I wear?

-Doesn’t matter, just be yourself I guess.

- _Oh yeah because that worked out so well before_ , she thought. What are you wearing?

-Dark jeans and a shirt.

-Ok ok, I’ll text Gen about the clothes part. See you tonight.

-See you.

 

 

She smiled at her phone and searched for Gen’s number. For a second she debated whether she should text or call her.

 

Text from: You

11:34// - Hi Gen, Jensen just invited me to your Christmas party. I’m wondering what I should wear?

 

Text from: Gen

11:36// - I’ll be wearing a dark green dress, mid-thighs. Does it help you?

 

 

Text from: You

11:37// - Kinda. I’ll see what I have. Should I be scared about tonight?

 

Text from: Gen

11:45// - No XD. Just be yourself. We’ll drink wine, play some silly game. Basically we are all gonna act like stupid teenagers for a night it’ll be fun.

 

Text from: You

11:47// - Ok!!!!! I’m definitely scared right now. Please tell me we are not gonna play truth or dare?

 

Text from: Gen

11:48// - I honestly don’t know. Why, do you have some secrets you are afraid to share?

 

Text from: You

11:50// - Well, if someone were to ask, I would be forced to confess my undying love for you, and that would be embarrassing you know.

 

Text from: Gen

11:51// - I love you too ;) See you tonight.

 

 

 ***

 

 

Finally, after rummaging through her closet for almost an hour, Lena found the dress she wanted. It was a wonderful piece of clothes she had bought on impulse and never had the chance to wear… yet! It was a short pearly white dress with long sleeves and a plunging neckline. The whole dress was embroidered with a floral pattern of the same color as the fabric. Large shiny pearls completed the look around the collar, arm holes and the bottom trim of the piece of clothing. Exceptionally, she took time to do something with her hair, she curled them and then did a messy bun in her neck, leaving a few strands here and there to fool around. Not a fan of makeup, she put a delicate shade of cream or her eyelids and took out her favorite lipstick. She had always loved red lips. A friend, or so she thought the girl was, had once told her that lipstick was confidence in a stick. She was right. Wearing her red lipstick had always given her some sort of bravery. She didn’t really need it anymore, she was confident enough, she loved herself but, well red lips were a damn good look on her. With one last look at her reflection, she smiled and grabbed her purse.

 

 

When she finally parked her precious car in Jensen’s driveway she sighed in nervousness. Suddenly she wasn’t sure about the dress. What if she was overdressed, what if she looked ridiculous? Why had she chosen _that_ dress in particular? She knew damn well that the dress fit her perfectly, probably too perfectly. What if they thought that Jensen and her were more than just friends? What if Jensen thought she was trying to seduce him or something? _She wasn’t! Was she? No, no she wasn’t._

-Get a hold on yourself Eleanor for fuck’s sake, she said to herself.

 

She took a deep breath and got out of the car, cursing to herself for choosing high heels when it was snowing. She knocked on the door and waited.

-Chipette, I was starting to think about moving the party in your car, he said helping her getting rid of her coat.

-Ahah! Hilarious.

 

She handed him her coat and noticed that he was staring. She wasn’t a hundred percent sure but, hadn’t she known him, she would have sworn it was lust she was seeing in his green eyes.

-You look stunning Eleanor, he finally said hardly swallowing.

-Thank you, you don’t look bad yourself, she answered looking at him with a little smirk on her lips.

 

She finally followed him through the living room and felt a little weak in the knees when she saw everyone. By the fireplace were standing Jared and Misha, laughing at something and she smiled, at least she knew _them_. Sitting on the couch were Ian Somerhalder and his wife Nikki, talking near the stairs she saw Stephen Amell and Katie Cassidy. Some others she didn’t know and, walking towards her, one smiling Felicia Day.

-Hi! You must be Eleanor? she said.

-Ye…yes. It’s me, nice to meet you.

-Pleasure is all mine, answered the actress.

-Did the girls need help in the kitchen? asked Jensen.

-I have no idea, and I am not allowed in the there.

-Nop, you are not. I’ll introduce Lena to everyone and I’ll go take a look after, he said.

 

The brown haired girl followed him, still nervous as he walked towards Stephen. She almost forgot how to speak as the actor reached to her, but managed to say hi and shake his hand. When they finally arrived near Ian, she lost it.

-Hi! I’m Ian, nice to meet you.

-I… I’m… It…

-Chipette, are you ok?

-I’m… I’m fangirling, she finally managed to say.

 

Ian and Jensen bursted out laughing, giving Lena some time to collect herself.

-I’m sorry. I’m just not used to this I guess, she finally said.

-Don’t worry, it’s ok, said Ian.

-Yeah, well. Now that I’ve made a fool of myself, I’ll go see if the girls need me in the kitchen. Pleasure meeting you Ian, really! she said smiling.

 

 

Everyone was sitting at the table, enjoying a good meal cooked by Victoria and Gen, chatting and laughing. Lena was squeezed between Misha and Jensen, completely at ease when Gen took out a shiny box with a malicious smile on her face.

-It’s time, she said.

-What’s that? asked Lena.

-It’s easy, you just pick up a question, and you answer it. If you refuse, you have to take a shooter.

-I’m scared, she said laughing.

-Oh you should honey, considering that Gen wrote the questions herself, and she is vicious, said Victoria.

-Are we playing the official version, or the « everyone is answering » version? asked Stephen.

-Option two, said Misha.

-Easy for you to say, you have no shame _AT ALL_ , said Jensen.

-Eleanor you are new, so you have the honor to pick the first question, said Nikki.

-Oh what an honor, she said sarcastically, while digging in the box. Ok here It goes « When was the last time you had sex, and with whom? » Uh, did you mean with someone else? asked Lena smiling.

-Of course.

-Well, it was, uh lemme think… three weeks ago, I don’t remember his name, she said laughing.

 

Jensen was looking at her with wide eyes, somehow in shock.

-What? she said.

-No…nothing. You just surprised me.

-Uh uh. It’s your turn to answer.

-I, uh. I’ve never… not since.

 

She patted his shoulder, then squeezed it a little bit.

-It’s ok, we got it, she said not forcing him to answer.

 

The game went on, every question getting more and more interesting. It was finally her turn again, and she knew the second she saw it that she wasn’t gonna answer it.

-« Have you ever touched yourself thinking about someone that is present tonight? » Well, well, gimme that shooter because I am NOT answering that.

-Which means yes, said Gen with a malicious smile.

-Which means I’m not answering.

-Come on, said Ian.

-Nop. I’m not, she said drinking the burning tequila.

 

She looked at Jensen and waited, she honestly was waiting for him to just answer that no he had never touched himself thinking about someone present, but he just poured himself a shooter and down it like a champ. She looked at him with wide eyes, but he didn’t give her time to comment because he was already reading another question.

-« Did you ever had gay sex, if no would you try it? » Seriously Gen, you were on some kind of dirty mission or what?

-What, protested the actress. It’s fun, no one wants to know what your favorite color is Ackles.

-Fine. No I’ve never and no I wouldn’t.

-Do I really have to answer that question? asked Felicia with a little smirk.

-In your case that would be have you ever had hetero sex? answered Jared laughing.

-Well, no. And fuck no!

 

Others answered, making everyone laugh with their way of saying that no they wouldn’t have gay sex. When Jared’s turn came, he looked at his wife with knife in his eyes and finally, before hesitating between answering and taking a shooter.

-Yes I’ve tried it. But I wouldn’t do it again.

-Oh my, I pity the poor bastard that got _that_ in his ass, said Jensen.

 

Gen spat the wine she had just taken, laughing so hard that she led the others with her. When she finally regained her ability to speak she answer.

-I tried it in college, didn’t like it. Wouldn’t do it again.

-I never tried it, started Eleanor. But I wouldn’t be opposed to try.

 

After almost an hour of answering dirty question, they decided to do something else. They were all, no exceptions, starting to get drunk and the party was pretty cool. Jensen put some music on, and everybody started to dance. Lena knew that Jensen had some skills, he’s shown them in some panel she watched on YouTube, but having him dance in front of her, _with_ her, that was something else. It took all her willpower not to go all seductive on him. She knew she was a good dancer, she also knew that if she wanted she could give him a boner just by the roll of her hips. But they were just friends, and friends didn’t do things like that, no matter how tempting it was. No matter how horny she suddenly felt. They danced, and laughed and giggled a little bit but all in a very platonic way.

 

After what seemed like an eternity of dancing, Jensen finally grabbed his guitar and started to play. When he started to sing, she remembered a time when she had cried, _fucking cried_ , listening to him singing on YouTube. His voice was so smooth and rough at the same time. It was perfect, **HE** was perfect. She was so wrapped up in her own mind that she didn’t even realise that it was now Ian playing the guitar and Nikki singing. Eleanor knew the song so she started singing too, just a little bit more quietly than the others.

-You have a beautiful voice Lena, said Jensen. Do you want to sing a song?

-What? No? Are you crazy, I sound like a screeching cat.

-No, you have a beautiful voice, said Stephen who was sitting right next to her.

-I haven’t sung in like, fifteen years because I… because.

 

She realised that she was so comfortable with her new friends that she forgot to hide her voice, like she always did.

-It’s a long story, she finally said.

-What better than a night amongst friends to share a long story, said Jared.

-We are listening, added Felicia.

 

She sighed but opened her mouth to speak,

-I used to sing a lot. And I liked to think that I had a pretty voice. In my family, on my father’s side, everyone sings or plays an instrument, most of the time both. I’ve never played because I was too clumsy to learn guitar, well today I know that my father was just a really bad teacher. He was too impatient. My father… He was very difficult. Nothing was ever enough. He enlisted me in singing contest he knew I couldn’t win, just to have an excuse to tell me I wasn’t good enough. Anyway, last time I sang, I mean really sang, he told me that if I was to destroy every song I would attempt to sing I’d better shut up. So I did. And from that time, every time I sang I kinda faked it. Like I wouldn’t do it seriously, so everyone would know that I was exaggerating and everyone would just think it was funny. Somewhere along the way I must have convinced myself that I didn’t sing.

-Well, it ends tonight, decided Jensen.

-What?

-Chose a song, I’ll play it and you’ll sing it. I don’t know why but you didn’t hide your voice with us, and I want to hear you.

-I, uh. I don’t think I can.

-‘course you can, said Ian. Nobody here is gonna judge you. What’s the worst that could happen…?

-I could distort, scrap the song.

-Come on, you’ll feel better, said Misha.

-Fine. Let me think.

 

They continued singing and playing together, until she finally had an idea. She had listened to that songs so many times, it was just fitting. She leaned on Jensen whispering in his ear and he nodded, smiling. He started scratching the cords, and she started singing, a little too quietly at first but as she got confidence, her voice became stronger.

 

_« I guess I just got lost_

_Bein' someone else_

_I tried to kill the pain_

_Nothin ever helped_

_I left myself behind_

_Somewhere along the way_

_Hopin to come back around_

_To find myself someday_

_Lately I’m so tired of waiting for you_

_To say that it's ok, but tell me_

_Please, would you one time_

_Just let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light_

_Let me be myself_

_Would you let me be myself_

_I'll never find my heart_

_Behind someone else_

_I'll never see the light of day_

_Living in this cell_

_It's time to make my way_

_Into the world I knew_

_Take back all of these times_

_That I gave in to you »_

 

As the chorus came again, she felt stronger. She knew, deep down that it was the last time ever that she would sing, or listen, to that song with such sadness in her heart. She was finally happy, and she knew, just freaking knew that she would never go back to the way she was before. So she sang louder, letting all go. Everything she had held back, now she was letting it out. Her father be damned she had a great voice, maybe she wasn’t exactly Celine Dion, but she was good, and being good was enough. She didn’t need to be perfect so _fuck him_ , she thought.

 

_« Lately I’m so tired of waiting for you_

_To say that it's ok, but tell me_

_Please, would you one time_

_Let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light_

_And let me be myself_

_For a while, if you don't mind_

_Let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light_

_Let me be myself_

_That's all I’ve ever wanted from this world_

_Is to let me be me_

_Please would you one time_

_Let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light_

_Let me be myself_

_Please would you one time_

_Let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light_

_Let me be myself_

_For a while, if you don't mind_

_Let me be myself_

_So I can shine with my own light_

_Let me be myself_

_Would you one time... oooh_

_Let me be myself_

_Let me be me »_

 

 

As she sat back on the couch, she realised she had been crying. Everyone was looking at her, and she just smiled through her tears. They weren’t sad tears, she was happy.

-Thanks guys, she whispered. It really did me good to do that. I’ve… I’ve never thought I would feel so… Like I’m finally fitting somewhere.

-I don’t know what kinda shitty person you had in your life before honey, but _WE_ are your friends. And by the way, you have a wonderful voice. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise, said Misha’s wife hugging Lena.

-Thank you.

 

They all sang for at least another hour, drinking and getting even more drunk. Eleanor felt so happy, her face started to hurt from smiling so much. They chatted, and sang and drank and laughed and she realised that, she was where she belonged. It was a strange feeling because she was the only person present that wasn’t an actress, but this was her place. Her smile grew even wider and, unable to stop herself, she hugged Jensen with all she got.

-I love you, she said while he hugged her back. Thanks for letting me in, you are a great friend Jensen, I’m glad I’ve met you.

-I love you too Chipette, he said smiling. And I’m very glad I’ve met you too. _You help me heal my broken heart in a way others couldn’t_ , he was tempted to add.

 

She stayed in his arms a little bit, just content. He really was her best friend. And she really did love him. Not in a romantic way, not at all. Yeah she was attracted to him, how couldn’t she. But that wasn’t that kind of love… _Yet_ , whispered her conscience. She ignored it. She ignored it because a, she was way too drunk to understand the meaning and b, her conscience was wrong. Really, it was wrong.

 

Soon the guests started leaving. Jared and Gen going home, followed by Misha and Vic. Ian and Nikki were staying at a hotel not far as most of the other guests. The only one staying was Felicia, so Lena guessed that Jensen had offered her his guest room.

-I’ll call a taxi and I’ll go, she said.

-You are way too drunk to go home right now, said Jensen. I’m not letting you.

-I won’t drive, and where would I sleep? On the couch? No thanks I’ll be better in my bed.

-You can sleep in the guest room, offered Jensen.

-And where am I gonna sleep? said Felicia.

-In the guest room, simply said Jensen. Come on girls, the bed is big enough.

-But…

-Lena, even in a taxi the drive to your home will take almost an hour and I won’t let you. You never know what kind of person is driving.

-Fine Mr. OverProtective.

-Come on Lena, we are going to have a slumber party. said Felicia.

-Can I join? asked Jensen with a smile borderline pervert.

-Sorry big guy, girls only, said Lena returning his smile, surprising the red haired girl.

-Fine, I’ll lend you a pajama and I’ll go to sleep.

 

Felicia went to the guest room in the basement and Lena followed Jensen upstairs. He gave her the same green plaid pajama and smiled. For a second she thought about staying there, sharing _his_ bed rather than Felicia’s, but she changed her mind. This wasn’t a good idea.

-Thank you Jay, she said fondly, while still in his personal space.

-This is just a pajama, he said not stepping back.

-For everything. For inviting me, for caring so much you can’t let me go.

 

She was so close, she could have mapped the freckles in his face, she swore there was constellation in them. Now she was certain, it was lust she was seeing in those wonderful green eyes. If she had been brave enough, she would have leaned in and kissed him, but instead she just backed off and smiled. He closed his door, and she went back. Promising herself to do something to keep this attraction in check.

 

 

 ***

 

 

Falling in his bed, Jensen sighed loudly. She was so close. He could have kissed her; he should have kissed her. There were no doubts there, she desired him too. If there was something he had discovered about his friend, was that everything she felt was reflecting in her eye. And what he saw, that was undoubtedly lust.

 

And that dress. My my, she was hot. The last time he jerked off thinking about her, that was the image of her lips that sent him over the edge, tonight with her red lipstick, he was on edge all night. He had to do something, he had to get laid. That was the only solution to keep this attraction in control. Eleanor was his friend, and that’s it. He couldn’t fantasize about her like this. _Well, one more time couldn’t hurt, especially if she never knew_ , he thought to himself while letting his hand pass the waistband of his boxer. The moment he touched his hardening dick, he knew he wouldn’t last long.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Eleanor is singing is: « Let me be myself » by three doors down
> 
> Ok fine, I may have a tiny obsession with Jensen touching himself...Can you blame me? Yeah didn't think so =P And before you asked, yes I did cry the first time I heard him singing... I may be a little oversensitive, but it was beautiful. He is beautiful.
> 
> Anyway, that is enough of my nonsense. Thanks for reading ;)


	9. Slumber party… X-rated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some unexpected smut, or at least I think it's unexpected. It was a funny chapter to write, and a beautiful challenge because... well because I've never done that ;) Anyway, it's a little shorter, but it's worth it (I hope)... So enjoy and let me know what you think <3

   
  
---  
  
Eleanor found her way to the guest bedroom and opened the door. Felicia was already in her pajama, looking at something on her cell phone. She looked up and smiled at Lena. Without really thinking, Lena unzipped her dress and let the sleeves fall of her shoulder. The dress was halfway through her chest, when Felicia jumped off the bed.

-Whoa, damn girl what are you doing? she said.

-Uh, answered Lena with an eyebrow crooked. I’m undressing.

-Yeah I’m seeing that. Can you please stop?

-What’s the problem?

-Would you undress like that in front of Jensen?

-No, answered the girl finally sensing the awkwardness of the situation.

-Yeah, that is what I thought, so please stop before I lose the ability to control myself. Because you are way too hot, Way. Too. Hot.

 

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the fact that she wanted to see some action to get Jensen out of her head, maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was the fact that Felicia Day was a beautiful woman. Maybe it was because deep down she had always been a little bit attracted to girls too. Maybe it was a little of everything, but instead of putting her dress back on her shoulder, she slowly walked towards Felicia.

-Don’t control yourself then, she said with a seductive smile.

-What? asked the actress, her breath cutting short in her throat.

-I said, continued Lena, getting closer. Don’t control yourself.

-Bu…bu…but… you are not gay?

-No I am not.

-So you, you want to what, experiment?

 

Getting impatient, Lena walked the last centimeter and grabbed her face in her hands, leaving just enough space to feel the red haired lips on her as she spoke again.

-Less talking, more kissing.

 

And then she kissed her. It took a good two seconds to Felicia to kiss back, but then she was all passionate and took the lead, guessing that it was Lena’s first experience. Still kissing, she walked back to the bed, helping Lena getting rid of her dress. Lena slipped her hands under her Star Wars shirt, pressing her breast to hers, trying to have her closer and closer. Felicia stepped back a little, admiring Lena.

-You are truly beautiful Eleanor, she said.

-Shut up, she said blushing.

-I’m serious. I couldn’t stop staring at you tonight.

-Well now you have me, said the brown haired girl.

-Are you sure? asked the one that played Charlie.

Eleanor didn’t answer with words, but she kissed her again with so much fierceness that Felicia started to moan quietly. It didn’t take them long to be completely naked, and then Felicia was all over Lena, leaving a trail of kisses along her neck, then her breast. She gently sucked her nipple, playing her other boob with her hand as the brunette squirmed underneath her. When her two nipples were almost painfully erected, Felicia continued her kisses trail down Lena’s stomach, kissing and licking and leaving some slight bruises. When she finally arrived between the doctor’s legs, she was already a mess panting and breathing heavily. With a satisfied smile, Felicia pushed aside Lena’s legs and took a look before plunging right in, giving Lena exactly what she wanted. She started with some light kisses, waiting just in case her partner would change her mind, but when her eyes crossed Lena’s hazel ones, all she could see was lust and want so she went back to business, this time using her tongue.

-Oh shit, yes! cried Lena.

-Shh! You’ll wake Jensen, said Felicia with a proud smile on her face.

 

She continued licking and kissing and when Lena thought she couldn’t take more, Felicia pushed one finger inside her,

-Oh my god, she said, then biting her lips to silence herself.

 

Truth be told, even with a man she had never experienced _this_ , she had always felt too shy to let a man get down there. Oh how much she regretted it in that very moment! This was amazing, this was heaven. She was about to explode, but she didn’t want it to end, not yet, so she grabbed Felicia’s shoulder and brought her back on top of her. She kissed her again, tasting herself while their tongues danced together and then she flipped them. She played with her breast too, but wanted more. She stared a moment, not sure what she should do but finally decided to follow her instinct and started kissing, just as Felicia had done not so long ago. She added two fingers, and before she knew it the red haired exploded, screaming in the pillow to cover the sounds she was making.

 

They took a little pause, kissing, touching, even biting a little. Finally, Felicia managed to get them in a strange position, not quite a 69’, but close enough and they started kissing and fingering in sync. Not so long after that, they were both panting and moaning, not caring anymore if someone would hear them. They kissed a little more, and finally they fell asleep, naked and cuddling. They both knew it was a one-time deal, but somehow closing the night with a sweet touch seemed like the right thing to do.

 

 

*** 

 

 

Eleanor woke up first, with an urge to puke. She ran to the bathroom and let her body take control, knowing that it was the best way to get better. She stayed in the bathroom for a long time, almost falling asleep but finally managed to get up. It was almost eight in the morning so she decided to go upstairs, coffee would do her good. She was surprised to see that Jensen was already awake, sipping his coffee with a smile on his face. Without saying anything, he put his mug down and gave one to Lena, which she accepted gladly.

-So, did you sleep well?

-Yes, thanks, she said feeling a little shy.

-Uh uh, just so you know you have a hickey on your neck.

-What???? she said with wide eyes, bringing her hands to her neck.

-Was it fun?

-I don’t know what you are talking about, she answered her face as red as a tomato.

-Fine, don’t tell me.

-Did you, uh, did you hear us?

-Yep!

-Oh my, she said waiting for the floor to open and swallow her.

-It sure sounded fun, he said still smiling like a fool.

-It was amazing ok, now get over it.

-Fine fine. But don’t be ashamed, you… you don’t need to hide, he said quietly.

-Hide? Why would I hide?

-I don’t know, nothing I guess. It’s… it’s ok really.

-Wait… wait a minute. Are you implying that I’m gay?

-You are clearly not straight.

-Whoa, hold your horses’ cowboy. I’m not gay, not bi. I just… I’ve always wanted to try.

-Ok fine.

-It was… An adventure, nothing more, she said.

-I see. So what is next on your list?

-Maybe a threesome, that would be nice.

-Two men or two girls? he asked, trying to hide the fact that he was a little excited by their conversation.

-Both?

-You are wilder than I thought, really.

-Oh you have no idea. All the things I’d like to try, you have no idea just how wild I am.

-Oh yeah?

-Yep, she said sipping her coffee.

-For example?

-Not saying.

-Come on, one tiny little detail.

-Cuffs, blindfold. I think I’d like to try that. What would you like to try Jensen?

-I wouldn’t mind cuffing you, he said.

-Whaaaaat?

-Did I said that out loud?

-Yep.

-Oh well, what can I say. You may be my best friend Chipette, but I can’t deny that you are hot as fuck.

-You are hot too, she said. You are one of the reason I didn’t answer the touching yourself question yesterday, she said, surprising herself by her audacity.

-One of?

-Well. Ian is hot as hell; he was my #1 for a very long time. Misha hunted my dreams for a time.

-I see.

-But you, damn you. You, you’ve got everything. Even your flaws are attractive, that is so not fair.

-I, uh…

-Yeah, let’s change the subject before it become too awkward.

-It’s already awkward, you just didn’t realise it, said Felicia.

-How long have you been there? asked Jensen.

-Long enough to know that I’m an amazing adventure, and that you wouldn’t mind cuffing your best friend, she said laughing.

 

The three of them then decided to head out for breakfast, agreeing that a greasing plate of bacon and eggs and sausages would be the best remedy to their hangover. For a second Lena had thought that it would be weird between her and Felicia but it was not. The red haired girl wasn’t offended by the fact that she was « an adventure » and Lena was really comfortable. She was herself, and nothing else mattered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, when I wrote this I didn't know Felicia was pregnant, well I think nobody knew. She got us pretty hard right? Anyway I'm happy for her, she'll be a great mom, this little kid will be Lucky as hell BUT... for the sake of this chapter, let's just imagine that she wasn't pregnant, yet ;)


	10. Hockey night in Canada…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! A little chapter just for you.  
> I'm currently writing chapter 23, and I'm almost to the point where I'm gonna throw my computer on the wall, you know when you want to write Something and it's so perfect in your head but then you put it on paper and it's like a giant piece of crap? That is the state I am in right now, so I'm gonna go slay some creature in Diablo III to clear my mind ;)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter my little demons ;)

Lena was getting ready for her shift at the pub, which in her case meant bringing all her hair in a messy bun on top of her head and a very light touch of makeup, when the doorbell rang. She wasn’t expecting anyone so she kind of stepped out of her shoes, causing her mascara to poke her eye making it cry and, therefore making black marks flow on her cheek. Without taking time to wash her face, she went to answer the door, surprised to see Jensen standing there with a Montreal Canadiens Jersey and a proud smile on his face. Smile that change for a sad one when he saw his friend’s face.

-Where you crying? he asked letting himself in the loft.

-No, the bell startled me and I poked my eyes.

-Well. Go finish your preparation, then I have your Christmas gift for you, he said smiling.

-Wha…

-Shh… go!

 

Curious, but obedient, she went to the bathroom and finish her makeup. She was really wondering why Jensen was wearing a Jersey of her favorite hockey team, but she was also very excited to see what the gift was. She wasn’t one of those people who like pretending they didn’t like gifts. Having someone thinking of you and taking time to go out and buy you something was fun and heartwarming. She had bought something for Jensen too, but it wasn’t wrapped yet. She dug her favorite black top in the dryer and joined Jensen, who was currently reading one of her book in the living room, Whisky curled in his lap. The little tortoiseshell cat had adopted the actor and was all over him every time he came to Lena’s house.

 

Lena sat beside Jensen and wait with a big smile on her face. He turned toward her and handed her a little envelope.

-What is that? she asked.

-Your Christmas gift, he said proudly.

 

Suddenly becoming a five years old kid, she frenetically opened the envelope and she could have sworn that her heart skipped a beat when she saw what it was. She was holding two tickets for tonight’s hockey game, where the Canucks, the local team, would affront the Canadiens, her favorite team. And that explained the Montreal Jersey.

-How did you? This… I, wow… she said, finally throwing herself at him and hugging him until he couldn’t breathe.

-You posted something on your Facebook wall two weeks ago, and I kinda figured you missed having the opportunity to see your team, so I made some research and found out that they were playing tonight. I also guessed that you wouldn’t have tickets because technically you are working tonight…

-Right, she said suddenly sad.

-So, I may have arranged it with Alyson. You are not working tonight Chipette, we are going to watch that game. I mean, if you want to invite me, he said with his most charming smile.

-Didn’t know you liked hockey, she said raising an eyebrow.

-I don’t, but you like it.

-You know you are the most amazing friend I could have ever ask for?

-I’m just paying attention to your desires, he said with a shrug.

-Exactly, she said hugging him once more.

-So, I’m guessing you already have a Jersey, but… I bought you one, it’s in the car. I didn’t know who your favorite player was, so I asked around and people told me that the best player in that team was the goaltender.

-You bought me a Price’s jersey? she said excited.

-Yes, that is the one.

-Jensen Ackles you are a miracle in my life. I had one, it was signed too, but I was in a car accident and they had to cut it.

-So is he your favorite player?

-Oh yeah. He was the love of my life for a time, she said laughing.

-Oh really?

-I loved him so much, I was obsessed. But, it’s kinda my thing you know.

-What, hockey goaltenders?

-No, well also, but I meant being obsessed. I don’t like something, I obsess.

-I see, he said with a knowing smile on his face.

 

 

***

 

 

The tickets Jensen’s had bought were amazing, not that she was really surprised knowing his friend, but still, being able to hit the glass while the players were close was something she haven’t experienced before. Not that she hadn’t had the money, but buying tickets in Montreal was nearly impossible, especially if you wanted to be in the first row. She was enjoying herself quite much, yelling when the player would miss an opportunity and drinking her beer, she hasn’t noticed that Jensen was staring at her rather than watching the game. For anyone, he must have look like a man in love, with the fond smile he was dedicating to her, but truly he was just really impressed to see her that happy.

-Oh come on, she yelled, if you wanted to give him a gift you should have just wrapped the damn puck.

 

With that comment, Jensen just laugh. A true, head rolling into his shoulder kind of laugh. He didn’t understand the game, but watching it with Eleanor was an experience that was worth is money.

-Are you laughing at me Ackles? she asked.

-A little bit I admit, but you are really cute. I’ve never seen you like this.

-I really love hockey, she said with a shrug. It’s in my blood, I am from Quebec after all.

-So, care to explain to me what is happening right now? Because truly I’m lost.

-Well, now there was some confusion about where the puck was. One referee hissed because he didn’t see the puck anymore, but it was clearly still in game. Basically everyone argues about it, but it won’t change a damn thing because the game stopped and now the momentum is lost. Which is, a good thing in our case because I’m pretty sure that this would have ended up in a goal.

-Ok. But by doing this they are winning time, and the players are kinda resting, right?

-Yeah kinda, but… this is not always a good thing.

 

This time he tried to concentrate on the game, and he was grateful for Lena’s patience. Every time something « unusual » would happen, she would take time to explain it to him.

-You see, she started, now would be a good time for Michel Therrien to call his time out.

-Why?

-Because, most of the players on the ice are there since a good minute, and it would be a good time to change them, but the ref just called icing so they can’t. They have to take the faceoff, in their own territory and then, when the puck is safely away from the goal, only then they would be able to go change.

-And by taking the timeout, he would at least give them time to rest?

-Exactly. But knowing the coach, he won’t do that.

-Ok.

-This is a good thing that Price is the best gaoler in the NHL, according to me at least, she said laughing.

-Do you want another beer?

-Yes please.

-I’ll go fetch it, you stay here and watch.

-I have no intention of moving anyway.

 

When he came back from the little canteen, Eleanor was standing, stretching her arms and showing, again, little patch of skin. He just sighed, cursing himself for being so attracted to her, not that he had a choice anyway, but still.

-They have to get their heads out of their asses, or we are going to lose! was how she greeted him when he handed her her beer.

-At least, the majority would be happy, he said.

-Yeah, but it’s rare that they are playing here, so Price can play in front of his family, and every damn time they played like fucking midget.

-Maybe you should put on your skate and go there, he offered a little amuse by her annoyed state.

-It wouldn’t do much good since I played goalie too. But I would certainly kick their asses for letting me down like this.

-You played hockey?

-‘course I played. I was good, not good enough according to my father, but I was good.

-Why did you stopped then?

-Mostly money. My parents weren’t really fortunate and when I grew up, they couldn’t buy the equipment so I had to quit.

-This is so unfair.

-Well, I’m over it. It was years ago. I still play sometime, haven’t in a long time, but…

-What were your parents doing? If you don’t mind me asking?

-I don’t mind. My father was, well between jobs most of the time. He was a construction worker, I think. I didn’t really know to be completely honest. He didn’t live with us. And my mom never worked.

-Ok.

-And you would think that she would have been so proud of me for becoming a doctor, but no. She was disappointed, because I was too different from her.

-I seriously don’t get your parent, he sighed.

-I don’t either, she said.

-Will you go home for Christmas?

-I am home, she said.

-Don’t you want to spend Christmas with your family?

-Look, the intermission is done. Now we just hope they will play better than before. There is only twenty minutes left and they absolutely need to score.

 

She sat back on her seat and he didn’t insist. He was kind of sad to know that she would spend this period of the year alone, but he couldn’t force her to go to her family either. For a second, he thought about asking her to join him, Justice would have been thrilled, but he decided against it. Not even a year had passed since he lost his wife and even though he only had platonic feeling towards her, his family would certainly think otherwise. He looked at her one last time, promising himself to try at least another time, and then concentrate back on the game.

 

Finally, by some miraculous luck, her team won the game, and she was in a good mood, to say the least. After debating on what to do next, they decided to buy some beer and headed to her loft to hang out a little bit before he leaved. Jensen was supposed to leave for his hometown in two days and they wouldn’t be able to see each other until the first week of January.

 

 

*** 

 

 

-Sorry about earlier, she said while they were eating pizza in her living room.

-What about earlier?

-I was kinda rude when you asked if I would go see my family.

-It’s ok I get it, you don’t want to talk about them.

-It’s just that… she sighed loudly but put down her pizza and looked at him, locking her eyes in his for comfort. I love my mom, really. How couldn’t I. But truth is I am not ready. It took me let’s say ten years to finally do what I’ve always wanted too, and I’m scared that if I go now and see how much pain I’m causing her, I would just stay with her. And, as selfish as it must sound, I just can’t do that. I’ve lived for others all my life, I think it’s time I live for myself now.

-You are not selfish Lena.

-I’ve spent all my life hiding who I was. Always pretending, always being what others wanted me to be. Here I’m finally myself, finally me.

-I get it, I just…

-I called her you know? she cut him. The day we went to the pumpkin field. I left her a message, and after that I spent the night in the kitchen floor crying like a baby because all of my doubts came right back at me.

-I’m so sorry Lena, I should have never brought that subject.

-It’s ok really. It’s good talking to you. You are a rock to me, what I see in your eyes, it’s… I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like a teenager in love, which I assure you I’m not, but… it’s home.

 

To that, he didn’t know what to answer, so he just hugged her tight. He was feeling the exact same thing to be completely honest, but he wasn’t ready to accept it just yet. They stayed like this a long time, probably a little too much for friends, but neither of them cared. They were good, _they_ felt right, and in that moment it was all they needed.

 

Before he could stop himself, he took a deep breath and asked her exactly what he wasn’t supposed too.

-Why don’t you come home with me. My family would be thrilled to have someone new to embarrass me, and you wouldn’t be alone.

-And I would look like the new girl at your arm, she said with wide eyes.

-I’ll call them and explain, I just can’t bring myself to let you spend the most wonderful holiday all alone with you cat.

-Seriously Jensen, this is the sweetest offer, but I’d rather stay here. Going with you as a friend for Christmas, I don’t know about you but that sound like a bad plot for a romantic Christmas movie.

-At least I tried, he sighed.

-And I really appreciate it, but I think that for your first Christmas without Danneel, you should concentrate on J.J.

-Yeah you are probably right. I still miss her you know, it’s just… I don’t know, it’s like the pain I thought would never go away, it’s slowly fading.

-It’s normal. She is the mother of your child, you will probably always love her, even if you find someone else, she will always have a special place in your heart.

-Yeah, he agreed almost whispering.

-And you know, she added taking his hands and interlacing their fingers. That lucky woman that would enter your life, she will have to accept it. It’s just life. There is probably soul mate, but I honestly think that we can have more than one true love. And it not because you still love Danneel that you can’t love another woman with all your heart.

 

Usually he wouldn’t let his tears be seen, he would try to hide them but right now, he just let them rolled on his cheeks.

-Besides, this woman would have to be damn good, because I’m not letting just anyone come into your life, she said using her other hand to cup his face. You and J.J are too precious.

 

And then, they hugged again. Because that was how their friendship work. Even though they didn’t know each other for a very long time, they loved each other deeply. It was a friendship born in a curious way, to say the least. They had started by flirting, then started again not really believing that they could actually become friends, but fate had proved them wrong. When Lena had needed someone, for once in her life, to just loved her for exactly what she was, Jensen had been there encouraging her craziness. While Jensen was struggling with the loss of his wife, she had provided him with a fresh start, something new to chase his mind out of all this pain and all those pity look he got. They weren’t supposed to become friends, they weren’t even supposed to meet, but life had brought them together, and now they had a strong bond, something they know, from the bottom of their heart, would last forever.

 


	11. A trip down memory land.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for that, this is a really sad chapter. It was hard for me to write because every memories from Lena are actually mine (well except that my borfriend did defend me...) And I kinda feel the need to repeat that I do love Jensen and Danneel together and I'd never wish for anything to happen to them. They are too perfect :) Now that this had been said, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think ;) 
> 
> A little note inside the note: what is written in italic are memories =P

When Jensen woke up on Christmas eve, he couldn’t help but think about his wife. It was true that the pain was slowly fading away, thanks to the amazing friends he was surrounded with, but he still missed her deeply, even more so on family gatherings events like this.

 

He sat up on his borrowed bed and adjust his back on the headboard, looking up at the ceiling, letting some tears out. He missed her, but that wasn’t just her. Yeah he didn’t know the twins, but they were still a part of him, a part that he would never get to know. Before he knew it, his mind started to drift to that terrible time.

 

 

_Jensen woke up before his wife, as usual and decide to surprise her by making her breakfast in bed. He quietly went down and started working, cooking her everything she loved from his famous Texan omelette too simple French toast with her favorite fruits. He even pressed some orange juice and put it all in a tray. They were enjoying a kid free week end, Justice being at her grandparent’s house, and he wanted to make the most of it. Those time would be difficult to come by sooner, since they just learned some weeks ago that they were expecting not one, but two little Ackles. Carefully climbing the stairs, Jensen smiled, too happy to care that he looked like a fool. In the week to come, they would make a public announcement to told the world about their future child._

_As he entered the room, he saw her on her back, already having trouble sleeping in any other positions and he smiled even more. How lucky he was to have that beautiful woman by his side? Before he met her, he didn’t know it was possible to love that much, but he loved her with every atom of his being. He gently put the tray down, and caressed her arms softly. With a little smile on her face, she opened her eyes and stretched a little bit. Yeah, he was the luckiest man alive._

 

 

***

 

 

Eleanor was sitting on her couch absently staring at the Christmas tree. The lights were stable, not like the crazy ones that her mother used to have and it felt, somehow, calm. She had always love to watch the tree like that. Even when she was a little girl, she would spend the day sitting there, just watching the tree. That was, as a matter of fact, one of the first time someone had told her she was bizarre. She was too little to know what it meant by then, but still the emotion in the word had felt wrong. As she focused on one of the green light, her mind brought her to one of her painful Christmas eve, many years ago.

 

 

_Impatiently bouncing in her chair, little Lena was playing with her hair, making her mother chuckle. She felt pretty tonight, in her big red dress and her shiny white tights. It was a grown up dress, because the one made for little girl her age were all a little too small. At eight years old, Eleanor was a little bit chubby, nothing to worry, as her mother was always saying, but she was still fatter than all of her friends. Marlene, her mother made sure that she knew she was pretty, but her father Leo always found the way to tell her that she was, indeed, fat. After that, there was always a fight between her parents, because of her, or so she thought._

_It was finally time to go, and she was excited. Any eight years old girl would have been that excited, it was Christmas after all. When they arrived at her aunt’s house, she marveled before the lights and all the decorations. It wasn’t long before they ate and, as she was every time she wasn’t alone with her mother, she felt shy to do so. She only took couple of hors-d’oeuvre and a tiny piece of turkey, before saying she wasn’t hungry anymore. Which was a lie, because she could have eaten three times more._

_After that she followed her cousin downstairs, tagging along as they played whatever game she was too young to understand. She didn’t get along with them, like at all. Max was eleven and he didn’t really care about her. Katy was kind, but she was thirteen so she didn’t have a lot to talk about with her. At least that was the excuse they used to ignore her, because if they had take time to ask they would have known that she was pretty mature for her age, and therefore had a lot on interests similar than them. But they didn’t bother so she just sat in front on the downstairs’ three, which was a little less impressive than the one upstairs but still really pretty, and she lost herself in her mind, that only place where she truly felt at peace._

_-What are you doing? asked Katy sitting beside her._

_-I’m watching the three, she simple answered._

_-What for?_

_-For no reason, I just love it. I like watching the colors and thinking._

_-Thinking of what, Katy asked curious about her little cousin behaviour._

_-Depends, but right now I was thinking about a story I’d like to write._

_-You are so strange, said Max as he also sat in front of the three._

_-Max, chastised Katy._

_-What, don’t tell me you didn’t think the exact same thing. It’s not my fault our cousin is weird._

_They continued to argue but Lena stopped listening. Truth is, she hated them. They didn’t understand her, no one did. She heard her aunt called for them, saying it was time for the gifts and she followed them. After all gifts for the best part of Christmas._

_After watching everyone opened presents, she finally sat beside her mother refraining herself from crying. All the kids had got at least five present each, and she still haven’t got one._

_-Il y en a plein pour toi à la maison, said her mother._ _Ne t’en fais pas avec eux.(there is a lot for you at home, don’t mind them)_

_-Eleanor, finally said her grandmother._

_She bounced out of her chair like it was on fire and grabbed the present the woman was handing her. It was heavy. She was excited to know what it was, so she tore the paper away as quickly as she could. To say she was disappointed would be a misunderstatement. Her beautifully wrapped super heavy present was a dictionary. A French dictionary. It was common knowledge that she had trouble in French, particularly in the orthography department, but that wasn’t a gift she was happy with. She did her best to hide it and say her thanks, but deep down she wanted to cry. Not only did they only give her one gift while everyone was getting tons of them, but they gave her something to not so subtly humiliated her._

 

Eleanor get up from the couch and went to the kitchen. She took out a glass, then a bottle of wine and poured herself a drink. She didn’t even look what time it was, she needed this after that awful memory.

-It’s five o’clock somewhere, she said before she downed the glass and quickly poured herself another one.

 

 

***

 

 

Finally, Jensen got up and showed up in the kitchen of his sister’s house. He was surprised to see that he was the first up, since it was around nine. As he listened, he heard the kids talking in the bedroom, so he guessed they were just having fun and didn’t realise it was time for breakfast. With his mind still wandering in the past, he started baking pancakes.

 

 

_Even thought he was « famous » for a while now, it still amazed him how much the fans were involved in his life. Three days after Danneel and he announced the pregnancy, he had read almost a million congratulation message and even received some gifts in is fan mail. He was currently reading some to Danneel, both spreaded lazily on their couch, with Justice playing with her dolls in the living room’s floor._

_-How would you feel about going out tonight? asked the actress._

_-What do you mean?_

_-For dinner, the three of us. I’m dying for some junk food._

_-Baby you are always dying for junk food, he said laughing._

_-It’s not my fault, your kids love it, she said with a smirk._

_-But I wouldn’t say no to a greasy burger though. Want me to go fetch some? he asked._

_-Nah, I’m tired of being inside. Let’s go out._

_-But I’ll have to dress. I’m good in my sweatpants, he pouted._

_-Stay in them than, you won’t be the first dude to go out in sweatpants._

_-Fine, whatever you wish, milady, he said getting up. What about you J.J?_

_-Can I stay in my Brave dress?_

_-Well of course, we will be honoured to be seen with a true princess._

_-She is a warrior princess daddy._

_-My mistake._

_They all get in the car and headed to the nearest junk food restaurant. Of course, they had to take some pictures and sign some autograph, but it was part of the game. They accepted some congratulations and within the hour they were heading back home. J.J was playing with her toys in her car seat behind Jensen, and the two adults were signing some pop song that was playing on the radio._

_-Don’t ever tell anyone I’m signing this, Jensen sad to his wife._

_-Don’t worry your pretty little face, I don’t want people to know I married a Taylor Swift’s fan, I have a reputation, she said sticking her tongue out._

_-I’m not a fan, he said poking her arm. I just happen to know that particular song._

_-uh, uh…_

_-I know some of her songs, he said shyly._

_-If by some you mean all of them…_

_-Ok, you win I like her…_

_-Should I be jealous, she said mocking him._

_-Oh most certainly. She is way younger than you._

_-Fu… eat me Ackles, she said slapping his shoulder._

_-Maybe later, he said with a goofy smile on his face._

_She was laughing by now, making his heart skipped a beat or two. After all this time, she still managed to make him sick, a good sick. She was so beautiful, so flawless and he couldn’t stop staring at her._

 

 

Hearing his brother in laws coming, Jensen quickly wiped his tears and put on his fake smile, which everyone always believed, perks of being an actor. He continued baking the pancakes, and did small talk with the man, knowing that the rest of the family would be coming soon.

 

 

***

 

 

Eleanor was halfway through her second bottle when her phone started to compelled her. She needed to call her mom, she needed to at least wish her a merry Christmas. She took it then put it away then took it again then throw it away. Fortunately, she was on her bed so it ended up in her pile of dirty clothes. She got up and started fumbling in her room, looking for something. When she finally got it, she opened the little box and stared for a long time, once again dozing off to one of her memory.

 

 

_-Est-ce que je suis obligée d’y aller maman?(Am I force to go mom?) asked the ten years old girl._

_-C’est ton papa ma chérie, même si lui et maman ne sont plus ensemble.(He is still your father my love, even if mommy and him aren’t together anymore)_

_-Mais…(but…)_

_-Je te promets qu’on va avoir un beau noël ensemble… demain.(I promise you that we are going to have a great christmas together… tomorrow)_

_Lena sighed loudly but let her mom brushed her hair. She didn’t want to go in her father family. She hated them. She didn’t even know why Leo wanted her to come along. He would most likely tell her to shut up all night long and she wouldn’t even get the right to eat dessert because she was too fat. It was true that she was a little overweight but still, he wasn’t supposed to notice. He was suppose to love her no matter what. No? Tonight she was wearing an all black outfit, she heard it was a good choice for people with curves._

_Her father, gentle as always first told her that her glasses were too big for her face, which was kind of true but it was the only one that her mother could afford so. Then, after riding all the way to her grandmother’s house without saying a word to her, he looked at her very seriously._

_-Uncle Jim will be here with your cousin MaryLou, they will probably sing tonight, he started. But don’t get excited, he said seeing his daughter’s face illuminating. I don’t want you to embarrass me. You DO NOT sing, you heard me._

_-I… I won’t daddy, I promise, she said being an obedient little girl._

_Once again, the night hadn’t even started and she was refraining from crying. She was dying to ask him why he insisted on bringing her. Since she was such a burden in his life. But she did not. Because she was a good girl and her mother had told her to be nice. They enterer the house and everyone greeted them, well him, her they ignored mostly. Her cousin Katy, the only one that was a little kind, now had a boyfriend so she ignored her too. MaryLou was a freakin’ snob so she had never talked to her anyway, and the rest of the family… well, they never really cared about her._

_The meal came and, just by the smell Lena knew she wouldn’t eat. Her grandmother had made her speciality. Something you can only find in Quebec._ _It was a traditional pig’s feet and meatballs stew with potatoes, and yes that taste even more disgusting that it sounds. The smell only was enough to have her puke, but she managed to keep it inside. Of course there was some turkey and meat pie and some other thing she might have liked, but when they gave her her plate they apologize, very poorly, and told her the only thing that was left was the awful stew. She knew that they knew she dislike it. Her mother had spent the ninth first Christmas of her life telling them NOT to put it in her plate. She took the plate and went to her place, playing with the meat balls, pushing away the most of the sauce she could and eating one or two potatoes. She was so hungry, her stomach hurt. When they finally put the desserts on the table, her face lit a little bit. She was about to take a portion of pie when her grandmother literally slapped her hand away._

_-Don’t you think you are fat enough? I think you’ve eat enough, she said._

_-But… I…_

_-Don’t argue with your grandmother, said her father with his discipline voice._

_She sank back in her chair, praying god that this dinner would be over soon. She hated them so much that for a second there she eyed the knife that has been forgotten on the table. Oh she wouldn’t have hurt herself, no…But them, yeah for a tiny little second, her ten years old mind could picture it._

_-One day, she whispered to herself, on day I’ll just disappear._

 

 

Lena looked at the picture she had in her hands and folded it, she squeezed so hard that she cut her palm. She dug in the box and found two others. One from that dinner, another of her with her father and on with her cousin. She jumped out of her bed and headed to the living room, searching something in her purse than headed to the kitchen. She threw two pictures in the sink but kept the one of her and her father in her hand, her other hand fidgeting with her lighter.

-You were supposed to defend me, she said her tears already drowning her eyes. You were supposed to tell them to stop. You, of every people, were supposed to love me, she said now sobbing. It was supposed to be unconditional. No matter how badly I would sing, which isn’t true by the way, no matter the fact that I am too clumsy to play guitar. YOU were supposed to love me. Yeah I was a curvy child, so what? You think you were the best dad of the world. You preferred your bottle to me, to us. You were never home. I wish you were in my face so I can tell you all this. I wish I had the courage to tell you this when I had the chance. Do you wanna know what was the first thought I had when they told me you were dead? It was relief. How could you do that to me. You think you were a good father because you never hit me? I would have preferred that, she said almost yelling alone in her kitchen.

 

With a sigh, she dropped the picture in the sink with the others.

-You broke me. You made me think I wasn’t good enough. I was supposed to be enough. I hate you, so much. And I do hope there is a life after death, because I hope that one day I’ll see you again. And that day, I will tell you all of this. I will tell you how much I hate you.

 

She lit the lighter and throw it in the sink, still sobbing. She hated feeling like this. She told herself he didn’t have power over her anymore, but it wasn’t entirely true. From time to time, she would drift to those memories and it would hurt her, more than she would like to admit. She cried a little more, her mind waltzing with the flames as she poured herself yet another drink.

 

Unfortunately, she knew her trip down memory land wasn’t finish. Because her father was only part of her distress. She had felt like this all of her life, later with her mother, as she started to make her own choices. But with everyone, and she knew that sooner or later, as she drunk herself out of this stupid holiday, those memories would come to her too.

 

 

***

 

 

Everyone enjoyed the pancakes, and soon the kitchen went chaotic with all the ladies cooking for the night. Christmas eve was always frantic in the Ackles family and Jensen used to love it. This year, it felt off. As he watched her cousin twins arguing about which actor was hotter between Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans, he couldn’t help but think that he was supposed to have his babies with him. His little boy and his little girl, that were torn to him. Feeling the tears menacing to show once again, he excused himself and hide in the bedroom. Sometime, and he always felt guilty about that, he was still mad at Danneel. hadn’t she insisted on getting out that day… but it wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but sometimes he couldn’t help it.

 

 

_As he was staring at her, he saw it. It all went very quickly, but for a fraction of seconds, he saw the bright light that was coming right to them. Danneel didn’t see it, but he did just before loosing consciousness._

_When he woke up, the first thing that he noticed was the smell. It was too sterile. Then he noticed the white walls and the annoying biping noise. He tried to got up, but felt back in the bed. Fortunately for him, there was a nurse in the room and she came right at him._

_-Mr. Ackles you are awake? she asked with a soft voice._

_-M…My…My wi…wife, wh…where’s mah…_

_-Shh shh, Mr. Ackles you shouldn’t try to talk. I will get to doctor immediately._

_She turned her back but he grabbed her arm and looked at her with pleading eyes. She smiled sadly at him and get off his grip before leaving the room. While she was gone, another thought passed his mind. Justice. She was in the car with them. Was she ok? Was Danneel ok? Why wasn’t she with him? He was slowly drifting back to sleep but he fought against it. He needed answer, not another nightmare._

_-Mr. Ackles can you sit? asked the doctor._

_-I think so, he said before doing as he was asked._

_-Here, said the doctor handing him a glass of water. You’ve been out for quite some time._

_-How long?_

_-About thirty-six hours._

_-Where are my wife and daughter._

_-Your daughter is with your sister, she got out with minor injuries. She was very lucky. She had a scratched on her head and a broken arm._

_He couldn’t stop the tears from falling. His poor baby, with a broken arm. Then it hit him, why was she with Mackenzie?_

_-I want you to know, that we did everything that we could, the doctor started._

_Jensen knew what it meant, so he cried more. Louder this time, he didn’t care that people would see him._

_-You wife died the second the truck hit. The paramedics did the best they could to maintain the babies, but without the…_

_-Stop, please just stop, he said between sobs._

_-You have two broken fingers and a light concussion, you would be able to go home in the next twelve hours._

_-I want to see her, he said._

_-Mr. Ackles I don’t recommend it._

_-I don’t care what you recommend, he shouted. I want to see my wife._

_-Mrs. Jenna, would you bring Mr. Ackles to his wife please?_

_-Yes of course doctor._

_With the help of the nurse, he got out of the bed and stood on his feet. She offered him a rolling chair but he denied, way too stubborn to that. He followed her through the hospital, knowing that she was headed to the morgue. She opened a door and he felt the bitter cold the second he entered. The place was like a freezer, but it was more than that. It wasn’t just the physical cold, which was intense, it was the energy of the place. It wasn’t his first time in a place like this, he had gone in too many while filming the show, but this time it was different. This time, he was about to see the person he thought he would never lost. It was cold, yeah. His body was cold, but more than anything his heart was freezing. He fell on his knees when the nurse opened the door and pull the cot. His wife, his beautiful wife was pale and covered in stiches. They had done the best they could to made her look like herself, but it could clearly saw that she had took the most of the impact. He cried a little more, searching for her hand underneath the white sheet that was covering her. He kissed her fingers, one by one and then, by some miracles, find the strength to get up. He kissed her forehead, leaving fresh tears on her face. She was the love of his life, she was his everything and now she was dead._

_This time, he didn’t argue when the nurse offered him the chair. He let her drove him back to his room without saying anything._

 

 

-Hey Jay, what are you doing? asked his sister as she entered the room.

-I’m sorry, he said wiping his tears away. I needed a moment.

 

She sat on the bed with him and welcomed him in her arm. She held him as he cried a little more, simply enjoying the fact that she was there.

-It’s ok, shhh shhh, she said.

-I thought the pain was fading, but…

-Yeah, it was. But sometime it’ll get right back at you like this.

-I feel guilty, he admitted.

-Why?

-Be… because. I have this friend, I’ve told you about her.

-Eleanor?

-Yeah. We are just friends, really. But at first, I wanted to use her as a distraction.

-And it would have been ok, she said.

-But…

-Well, not for her, she said softly laughing. No woman deserved to be use, but for you I mean. You know there is no rules about that. No matter how long you wait, there will always be people telling you it’s too soon. But in the end, a broken heart is a broken heart. And I think that there is no prescribed time about how long you should wait to start dating, or having sex, again.

-I know.

-And Danneel would want you to be happy. I’m not telling you to go out there and have some dirty sex in an alley, but I want you to know that, at least in your family, no one would judge you if you keep yourself open to possibility. Like your friend Eleanor.

-Oh no, we are not, she’s not… She is just a friend.

-Alrighty then. Are you ready to come? You’ve been there quite some time. It’s almost time for everyone to arrived.

-Yeah, I’ll freshen up a little and than I’m coming.

 

 

***

 

 

By the time she was supposed to be on her way to Alyson’s house to have a Christmas eve dinner with her and her family, Lena was completely wasted. She had drunk two and a half bottle of wine and had no intentions to stop there. She was between so much emotion, she couldn’t even think straight. She was sad, but also happy. She felt lonely but so free. She felt hatred for her stupid family but so much love for her friends here, she took a mental not to call Jensen… later. With the little common sense that was left to her, she took her phone and started texting Alyson. After four failed attempt, she decided to call her instead.

-Hi Lena, joyfully said her boss.

-Hiiiiii….

-Are you ok?

-Yep…nop… I vanted to call you to tell you not to vait for me…I von’t make it.

-Are you…drunk? asked the girl.

-Yes ma’am.

-It’s not even five?

-I’ve noticed, but it’s ok… I still have two bottle left.

-You should stop, said the younger one a little bit worried about her friend.

-I probably should. Anyway, enzoy your night. I’ll see you… next time.

 

She hanged up before Alyson could add something and went back to her bottle of wine. She caught her reflection in the glass. She looked awful. Her entire face was swollen by the amount of tear she had shed and her eyes were so brightly drunk, she looked like one of those Chinese drawing one of her friend used to make. She sat on the floor, her back pressed against the counter and took a sip of wine directly out of the bottle. Why bother with the glass anyway?

 

 

_-Je peux pas croire que tu ne seras pas avec nous pour noël,(I can’t believe you won’t be with us for Christmas), said Marlene holding her daughter’s face._

_-Je vais être là demain maman, il faut bien que j’aille dans la famille de Gabriel._ _(I’ll be there tomorrow mom, I have to meet Gabriel’s family)_

_-Je sais, mais… (I know, but…)_

_-À demain maman.(See you tomorrow mom)_

_Lena took her keys and jumped in her boyfriend’s car with a smile on her face. She loved her mother deeply but even with her she didn’t feel like she fit. Her mom was simple. She had never worked in her life, and enjoyed simple things. She was knitted tight with her own mother and had great hope that her and Lena would end up like this. But Eleanor was curious, she didn’t content herself with little answers. She didn’t want to vote for a candidate because someone had told her too, she needed to know everything before she could make her decision. It was the same for everything in her life, and as much as she loved her mother, the more she knew about the world the more she drifted apart from her. Marlene had always want her daughter to be just like her, so strangely enough she was disappointed when Lena decided she want to become a doctor. And Eleanor could feel it. Yeah, her father wasn’t there anymore to make her feel like she wasn’t enough, but what her mother did was not better. Now an adult, entering medicine school she wanted to be happy, and she was excited to meet her boyfriend family. Maybe it was it, maybe she was supposed to meet him, maybe she would finally feel at the right place._

_And what a deception it was? There were, to say the least, close minded. And because she didn’t have the same upbringing than them, they judged her. And Gabriel, he didn’t even introduce her, she had to do it herself. They insulted her almost right away and he didn’t even blink._

_She tried to talk to him after that but he wouldn’t see it. The worst was that she loved him and he loved her too, and their relationship was great so she just closed her eyes and let them talk. But it affected her. At nineteen years old, she was so used to feel out of place, that she stayed there. At nineteen years old she was so used to being the weird one, that she accepted it. Maybe she would never fit. As she drifted to sleep that night, with Gabriel holding her tight, she whispered to herself._

_-One day, I’ll just disappear._

_***_

_She stayed almost six years with him because she loved him. And perhaps his love was real too, but he loved the idea of her. He loved the image she had created, but one day she had enough. It was Christmas too, and she had told him that no this year she wouldn’t come to his family. He was mad at her and said she was ungrateful and, well she kind of lost her mind. She took the little belonging she had and walked out. That was the day her dream became her future. She would endure it a little more, because what she wanted to do would took a little planning. But by that moment she knew, she wouldn’t just whisper it as a dream. By that moment, every time she whispered to herself that one day she would disappear, it was the truth._

 

 

Her phone still in her hand from his call with Alyson, Lena sighed for the millionth time that day. She had to do it, and what better state of mind to call your mother than when you were blind drunk. She composed the number and waited. She hoped she wouldn’t answer, but knowing her mom she was probably still at home. To her great surprise, she wasn’t home, or at least not near the phone.

-Allô maman, c’est moi. Je vais toujours bien. Je voulais te souhaiter joyeux noël, (Hi mom, it’s me. I’m still good, just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas), and then she hung out.

 

There was a lot more she wanted to say, but she wouldn’t to it over the phone. She was about to get up when her phone rang back. She panicked a little bit but smiled when she saw it was Jensen who want to talk to her via the messenger application.

-Hi! she said while she answered.

-Hi yourself, my! Chipette what happen to you? he asked.

-Oh, she said seeing her face in the phone camera. I had a wonderful party with some awful memory and three bottles of wine, she said taking a sip out of the bottle she was holding.

-I see. You should have come.

-Nah, I’m sure you are enjoying yourself better without my sorry ass.

-I’ve spend the day hiding in my room because I had some awful memory coming back too.

-Than I am better off without your sorry ass, she said chuckling.

-You are drunk.

-Yep.

-Maybe I should drink too.

 

She looked at him, his worried face in the screen and she smiled. That was what she needed. Her friend, her best friend. The one and only person that would never judge her. And he was in another country.

-I should have come with you, she whispered.

-Yeah. You should’ve.

-When I’m near you, all my insecurities go away.

-Same here. When you are here, the pain is so much easier to bear.

-How come? Why are we so close? she asked sincerely wondering.

-I have no idea. Maybe we came in each other lives at the right time.

-Maybe. I miss you. And I miss Justice.

-Well… Why don’t you talk to her a little bit, he said.

 

The screen started moving faster and for a moment it gave Lena nausea, but then Justice face was in the screen and she smiled brightly. Oh how much she loved that little girl.

-Hi banana, she said using the nickname she had finally found for the girl.

-Hi Lena, said the girl smiling at the nickname.

-Are you enjoying your Christmas?

-Yes, but it would have been better with you here.

-Oh I know banana, maybe next year, uh? What do you say?

-Maybe next year, but I have a present for you.

-What is it?

-I can’t say, said the little girl chuckling.

-I miss you banana.

-I miss you too Lena.

-When you come back, we are going to have a pajama party, she decided.

-Can we watch Brave?

-Oh yeah. And Frozen and Zootopia and The Minions.

-With a lots of chocolate.

-Of course. Now give the phone back to daddy. I love you Justice, be good and call me tomorrow to tell me what Santa brought you ok?

-I will, and I love you too Lena. Like you said before, my heart is bigger now.

-Mine too, mine too.

 

-What was that about? asked Jensen.

-I’ll explain when I’m sober. Go enjoy your time with your family Jensen.

-I will, but next year you are coming. I’m not leaving you behind, ever again.

-You are the sweetest guy I’ve ever know, if you weren’t my best friend, I think I would fall in love with you, she said resting her head back on the counter.

-You are more drunk that I thought Lena, said Jensen. Take care of yourself.

 

 

_***_

 

 

When she didn’t answer, he laughed softly. She had fallen asleep right there on the floor. He got up of the bed and close his phone. When he got back to the party, he was smiling. Definitely that girl had a special effect on him.


	12. A supernatural birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> So, I've been kind of absent for a while...I'm sorry. I'm having some bad back pain and I literally couldn't sit for almost a week (Yeah, and b.t.w NO I'm not that old =p) Anyway, here's a chapter for you :) hope you'll enjoy...
> 
> There is a little DESTIEL in this one, yeah you've read correctly ;) Also, for those of you who have read « To be a man » you may find some similarities, and there is, it's because I wanted to explore a little bit more the Destiel scene I've put here, so... yeah I copied myself loll, It's ok I've forgiven myself too. 
> 
> Anyway enough with my nonsense ;)

When they came back, Lena was waiting for her friends at their house. After almost two weeks without her rock and her little friend, she felt lost and couldn’t wait. They ended up exchanging presents that very night and listening to movies, all cuddled up in the couch. At some point, Lena fell asleep on Jensen’s shoulder, Justice long gone on her lap. Not long after that, the actor fell asleep too, leaving a beautiful picture in his living room.

 

Three days later, Lena accidently confessed to Jensen that the Thursday to come was her birthday. She made him promise not to make a big deal out of it, but she had the feeling he wouldn’t listen. When she woke up that day, she couldn’t help but smile. She had always wanted to be, elsewhere, when she’d finally turn thirty. At least she had done this right.

 

She wasn’t even halfway through her morning coffee when she heard a knock on her door. She opened it and found Jensen there, a wonderful bouquet of blue roses in his hand. She took it and he followed her in the kitchen, where she busied herself finding the right pot.

-You know they symbolise impossible love right? she asked smiling.

-No I didn’t, but you once told me it was your favorite.

-Thank you, she said with sincerity. They are.

-I’m glad you like them, now get dressed or we are gonna be late, he said taking a sip of her coffee.

-Late for what?

-Not saying.

-Oh no! Last time I ended up jumping off a bridge, you tell me or I’m not going, she said smiling like a fool.

-You are coming with me on set.

-I…What?

-This is a big day today, we are filming something really important and I asked if you could tag along.

-Important?

-You’ll see. I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t watched every episode with me this year, but…

-Like I care for spoilers anyways, she said laughing.

 

She ran to her bedroom and chose the first clothes she could find. When she emerged back in the kitchen Jensen looked at her with a smirk.

-What?

-You are coming on set with me and you are dressed like a female version of Dean.

 

She looked down at herself and couldn’t help but smile. She was wearing an old pair of jeans, her avengers T-shirt with her red and black plaid shirt and an army green vest.

-Maybe they’ll give me free pie, she said.

-Maybe, now come on Deanna we need to go.

-Find, but you are buying me a coffee since you drank all mine.

-Those kids, always complaining, he said in a good mood.

-Eat me Ackles, she said.

 

He smiled but she could see it was forced. For a second there, she saw pain in his eyes but she didn’t ask. She knew him well enough by now to know that this was the face he made when he didn’t want to talk about something.

 

 

_***_

 

 

-Hi Lena, said Misha. What are you doing here? he said innocently.

-It’s my birthday and Jay decided to invite me. Apparently there is something big today.

-Oh big it is, but you’re gonna spoil yourself.

-I’m the kind of girl that reads the last page of a book before the first. I don’t really care.

-Well well. Where is Jensen then?

-Makeup.

-Ok, are you hungry? Did you eat?

-I’m starving; I didn’t have time for breakfast.

-Follow me.

 

He took her in the cafeteria and they ate together. She didn’t have the chance to talk a lot with Misha, but he was funny and she liked him. They were almost finished when Jensen joined them, dressed as Dean. Lena couldn’t help but stare. Again, Jensen stole something from her plate, making her laugh loudly.

-It’s your turn Mish, and you better brush your teeth, he said.

-I’m not the one always eating onion and garlic before shooting a scene Ackles, he said leaving them.

 

-So, are you gonna tell me what today is about?

-Nop.

-Is it just me or you look nervous?

-I am actually.

-Are you always that nervous before shooting?

-No.

-What upset you earlier in the car?

-I, uh… what you said, he admitted. But I wasn’t upset, more like sad.

-What I said?

-You said eat me Ackles. This is what Danneel used to tell me too.

-I’m sorry Jay, I didn’t know.

-It’s ok really, it’s just… it’s ok don’t worry.

-I won’t say it again.

 

 

When it was finally time for Jensen to work, Eleanor found herself really excited. She felt honored to be there, to witness what she shouldn’t have. At first it was Dean and Sam arguing about something, and she smiled. She didn’t like Jared’s character but she did like the dynamic between the two of them. When they concluded their exchange by their traditional « Bitch » « Jerk » she smiled and took a sip out of her tea.

-You really love the show uh? asked Robert Singer.

-Yes. It’s my favorite.

-You are gonna pee on yourself with what is coming, he said laughing.

 

After three minutes with the man, she fell in love. He was your typical cuddle bear kind of guy. Smooth and charming and funny. He stood up and walked to the guys, talking to them. Finally, Misha appeared, dressed as Cass and the next scene started. At first, Lena wasn’t sure what it was about, because they couldn’t do more than two lines before laughing but they finally managed to keep their serious long enough. Mesmerized by the scene, Lena had completely forgotten that this wasn’t Dean and Cass, for her it was them. Without realising it she walked a little bit forward, right beside the first cameraman.

 

-Why were you and Sam fighting? asked Cass.

-It doesn’t matter, Dean said with a shrug.

 

For a second there, they looked like this was about to be another typical Dean and Cass moment, with so much staring, but something was different. Finally, after what felt like hours of staring at each other, Dean spoke again.

-It’s quiet, he said. Crowley has been laying low for a while and the angels are, well they are minding their own business so…

-I’ve noticed, said Cass. I’ll go, if you need me, you just call.

 

And then he started walking through the exit but Dean caught his wrist and forced him to stop.

-This isn’t what I meant. Why do you always assume that we don’t want you here? This is your home Cass, as much as ours.

-Yeah, I know. I’m your brother, he said with a touch of sadness in his voice.

 

And damned if he wasn’t good, Lena was so captivated by the scene she had chills all over her arms and her mouth was open.

-About that, started Dean slowly drifting his hand, still on Cass’ wrist to lace their fingers together. This is not what I should have said, he finally said.

-Do you regret it?

-Kinda, but not in the way you are thinking. You are part of this family Cass. And Sam really did think of you like a brother, but, I… I, uh…

-You don’t?

-Not exactly, he said squeezing his hand a little harder.

-What are you trying to say Dean, asked Castiel.

-I, uh. Remember when I told you _not_ to look into my head?

-Very well Dean, you were so angry.

-I want you to look now.

 

Castiel then touched Dean’s forehead with two fingers and for what felt like an eternity, at least from Lena’s opinion, they just stared at each other. She wondered what it would look like on screen, maybe they will show what Cass was obviously seeing, or maybe it would be just this, the infernal staring. When Cass’s fingers finally dropped, they looked at each other a little more and then Cass’s hands went to Dean’s cheeks, cupping his face.

-You know I love you too right? he said with the most sincere voice.

-Yeah, I know, the taller one said.

 

And then, the moment everyone was waiting for finally came. Holding one of Cass’ wrist, Dean leaned forward and kissed him. Fucking finally, after nine years of sexual tension, nine years of staring at each other too long, they finally kissed. Lena, way too excited to even function properly, dropped her tea on the floor smiling like a damn fool.

-Aaaannnnd cut! yelled Robert.

 

Jensen and Misha looked at each other for a moment and then started laughing. They pat each other’s shoulder and walked to Lena, who was still smiling, her feet soaked with her wasted tea.

-You don’t kiss badly for a guy, said Jensen.

-Yeah, let’s never do that again, Misha said.

-I think I would have freakin’ died alone in my living room if I hadn’t seen it like this.

-I wasn’t sure you were one of those fans, said Jensen.

-Oh I am. I’ve wanted Destiel to become canon for so long I can’t even remember what my life was before I was obsessed with them.

-Glad you liked it. Happy birthday.

-Thank you. That was the best gift ever.

-It’s a shame it wasn’t for real, finally said Misha.

-What? asked Lena shocked.

-It was Jensen’s idea.

-And you weren’t even sure I was a Destiel’s fan?

-I was right though?

-Oh hell yeah. I’m just really sad now, can’t believe that wasn’t « real ». Why can’t it be real.

-Because Dean is not gay, simply said Jensen.

-Oh DON’T get me started on that.

-Do I look gay? he asked.

-You don’t, absolutely not. Dean on the other hand…

-I seriously don’t get your « pov » right now, he said laughing.

-Maybe you should stop staring at Misha like you want to eat him alive, THAT would certainly calm some Destiel’s fan out there.

-Or maybe, that is all part of the show, he said winking at her.

-Oh I hate you so much right now.

-Eh, you can’t hate me. Look at all the trouble I’ve put myself in, just for your entertainment.

-So what you just kissed one of your best friend for my own entertainment?

-Yeah?

_-You should have chosen your other best friend_ , she thought unconsciously licking her lips. Well, consider me entertained.

-Good, he said bumping his shoulder against hers.

 

 

_***_

 

 

-I can’t believe you gave me Destiel for my birthday. said Lena once they were back in the car.

-I honestly wasn’t sure about that, especially the kissing Misha part of this, but we filmed your reaction and that was priceless. We really filmed the scene too, maybe we are gonna release it. When this is all over.

-You really can’t tell me if this is gonna happen for real one day. I mean, I get it everybody said that NO it wouldn’t… But Geez, there are SO MANY hints. I’m sorry but that time when Dean told Cass that he’s their brother… If Cass didn’t love Dean, he would have been really happy to hear that right? But he looked so sad, so I can’t help but think that this was written in Misha’s script to look sad… no?

 

Jensen kept his eyes on the road, not answering Lena so she continued.

-And I’m sorry but that speech about wanting to experience things differently, COME ON… and when Amara kidnapped Lucifer, and Dean, who was supposedly bonded to Amara, couldn’t care less about her and only managed to say « Cass ». And the fact that he couldn’t even function properly, only thinking about saving Cass when he discovered he had offered himself to Lucifer. And that freakin hug in the first episode on season twelve.

-Alright alright, I heard ya. But I honestly can’t answer you. Because a) I’m not allowed to talk about the show that much, even to family and b) I just really don’t know what they have planned, even Misha and I sometimes found the scenes a little suspicious.

 

She could have argued a little more about it, but what shocked her the most in Jensen’s affirmation was that he just qualified her as family, and _that_ , went straight to her heart.

-So, you have a choice to make, he said.

-Have I now?

-I can call Gen and ask her to pick J.J at the daycare so we can go out and have a great meal in a restaurant or, we can go pick J.J and have a decent meal together and watched movies after.

-Well, that wasn’t a really hard choice, she said softly smiling. Let’s go pick that wonderful little girl.

-You sure, asked Jensen smiling.

-‘course I am.

 

They stopped at the red light, and he couldn’t help but look at her fondly. Any other woman would have chosen to have a great dinner in a fancy restaurant. But Lena wanted to spend the night with him and his daughter, and that made his heart pound a little faster in his chest.

 

Noticing Jensen was looking at her, Lena smiled and without really thinking of what the gesture could mean, she took his hand in hers, still smiling.

-The light is green, she said with a little smirk.

 

He looked back at the road in front of him, but didn’t let go of her hand. They drove like this, in a comfortable silence until they reached the daycare, never letting go. They went inside together, and Justice ran to Lena and jumped in her arms. The educator looked at them with a little smile and they were gone.

 

When they finally arrived at Jensen’s house, Lena let out a gasp. There were balloons and confettis and even little hats, and that was just for her.

-I know it’s a little childish, murmured Jensen. But I couldn’t stop her.

-It’s perfect, said Leia carefully adjusting one of the Frozen hat on her head. It’s perfect.

-I remembered that it was your favorite movie, proudly said the little girl.

-Thank you so much, said Lena taking Justice in her arm and hugging her tight.

-I’ve made you a cake, said J.J bringing her hands to her mouth like she had said something bad.

-Was it supposed to be a surprise? asked Lena.

-Yes. I’m sorry daddy.

-It’s ok J.J, said the father.

-Now if this is a birthday party, I’m hoping you planned some games? asked the now thirty years old woman.

-I have, said the girl.

-Go fetch them, we are going to play while your daddy is cooking me dinner, she said winking at her.

 

Justice ran to where she had put the game and Lena turned back to Jensen.

-You knew I’d have chosen to spend the night with Justice, didn’t you?

-I hoped.

-What if I’ve chose the other option?

-I told her that we should prepare something, but if it wasn’t tonight we were gonna invite you to dinner tomorrow.

-Clever boy.

-Meh, he said with a shrug.

-But just so you know, I will always include Justice. Always.

-And _that_ is why I love you so much, he said heading for the kitchen.

-I love you too, she said ~~not~~ admiring his ass as he walked. Both of you.

 

Justice returned with a loaded bag and they took place in the living room. They started with a wonderful crafting of Elsa, then Olaf. After that, they sang a little bit, knowing by heart every single song of the movie. They played a little game of Frozen’s bowling, and Lena was so bad at it that she ended up on her butt laughing her ass off, with Justice climbing on her giggling with happiness.

 

 

_***_

 

 

And this is how Jensen found them, laughing and giggling, both now engaged in a tickle war. He came to tell them that dinner was ready, but he couldn’t bring himself to interrupted so he just took out his phone and filmed. Something creeped into his mind, telling him things he wasn’t ready to hear yet. He shook his head, silencing his treacherous mind and cleared his throat.

-Dinner’s ready girls, he said returning to the dining room.

 

They ate almost in silence, but every time Jensen had to look at Lena, mostly when she would interact with Justice, his heart ached a little. He wasn’t sure if it was Lena herself or just the domesticity of the situation, but there was something.

 

Later that night, after they ate the cake, after Justice gave Lena her gifts, which was an Olaf onesie for adult and a mandala coloring book, when the young girl was safely tucked in bed, the two adults sat on the couch, and enjoyed the silence a little bit.

-Thanks for the gifts, she said.

-That wasn’t me, that was all Justice.

-Yeah but that was most certainly your money, she said sipping her glass of wine.

-Well. Yes and no. J.J has her own little account where we, he stopped for a moment. Where _I_ put money for her in it, she can’t use it unless I give her permission but…

-She asked to buy me a gift? Damn I love her.

-She loves you too, you have no idea.

 

Jensen stretched to the side of the couch and picked up something on the floor. He handed Lena a tiny green gift bag, with blue silk paper and a gigantic wonderfully wrapped box.

-These are my gifts to you, he said with a large smile on his face.

-But… you’ve already given me Destiel, she said.

-That wasn’t really a gift.

-You freakin’ kissed a guy, that was a gift.

-Shut up and open the damn thing. The bag first.

-Alright alright.

 

She carefully took out the paper and looked inside the bag. Inside she found two things a little box, which suspiciously looked like a jewelry box and an envelope.

-Which one first?

-Doesn’t matter. The envelope goes with the big box, the mini box is an independent. Wasn’t supposed to be there, I found it yesterday with J.J and couldn’t resist.

-Oh now you’ve got me curious.

 

She took the little box and shook it a little, confirming her doubt of jewelry with the clicking sound. She opened it and couldn’t help but laugh. For a second there she was afraid, if he had bought her a jewel, the little voice in her head wouldn’t have been silenced for a long time. But what she was holding in her hand was just priceless. It was two little squirrels on a keychain, with both a heart in their hands, one saying « best » the other « friends ».

-Oh my god Jensen this is… this is the best gift I’ve ever had. Seriously this is amazing. She handed him the one saying «friends » and kept the « best ».

-I honestly couldn’t resist when I saw them. Why the fuck is there squirrel best friends keychains? Who bought that?

-You apparently, she said still holding the little squirrel like it was the most precious thing in the world.

-Yeah but that fit us too much. I mean, I nicknamed you Chipette, ok well she is not exactly a squirrel but still. And well, you like Dean who is me, kinda, and kinda you too… that, is perfect.

-Perfect indeed.

-Now the two others.

 

She took the envelope and carefully opened it and her eyes widened when she saw what was inside. An annual subscription to a ranch so she could go and ride a horse anytime she’d want. Now how he knew that she loved horses and everything related to country, that was something she couldn’t guess.

-Wow. That… that is just… wow…

-You like it?

-If I like it, are you crazy? It’s amazing, how did you know?

-Know what?

-How much I love horses; I don’t remember telling you that.

-You didn’t. I didn’t know, I wanted to initiate you to something new.

-I’ve never rode before, even though I wanted to.

-Well there is your chance. Now open the box.

 

Inside the box throned two wonderful cowboy boots. And they were real ones, if the smell was anything to go by. She carefully, very carefully touched them, almost like a caress. They were perfect, with their multiple shades of black and grey and charcoal and just a tiny bit of emerald green in it. She couldn’t help it; some tears fell out of her eyes.

-This… they’re beautiful, she said almost whispering.

-I chose them especially for you, I brought them with me from home.

-You didn’t even know my birthday was coming?

-No, I wanted to give them to you for Christmas, but since we exchanged presents the night we came back, I haven’t had the chance to get the subscription.

-Where have you been all my life? she asked smiling softly.

 

He didn’t answer, there wasn’t something to answer, he just took her and hugged her. And again, this was probably a longer hug than any friend should share, but they didn’t care. When they finally separated, Lena tried the boots and they fit her perfectly. She put them back in the box and they decided to watch a movie, drinking wine and eating popcorn.

-Now I know this isn’t Frozen, but I thought that we could watch some classic, Jensen said.

-Frozen is my favorite animated movie, but I do love classics. What are you proposing.

-I didn’t know what kind you’d like. So I took Predator, the first one obviously, Commando, The specialist and Terminator, the trilogy.

-Am I supposed to choose?

-Kinda, we can’t watch six movies tonight.

-Oh honey you are underestimating me.

-You have to work tomorrow, so have I.

-And? You are using this as an argument. I’ve watched five seasons in six and a half days, and still managed to go to school.

-Yeah but you are crazy.

-That I am, she said proudly.

 

He looked at her, trying hard not to smile at how adorable she was, especially since she had put her ridiculous Olaf pajama on…

-Fine. Predator. Just because I want to see them destroy the jungle with their machine gun, _that_ and Arnold covered in mud is a wonderful image.

-You have a thing for dirty guys huh?

-Every girl has a thing for dirty guys, now put the movie and come back here. But know this Ackles, we are gonna watch all those movies. Maybe not tonight, but we will. Just thinking about that scene in The specialist when they made love in the shower…mmm, best sex scene ever.

-Ok, ok, he said trying really hard NOT to think about that scene.

 

In fact, he was trying hard not to think about all the fantasies he had in his shower that included her. Because yeah, since the first time, that had become something he did sometimes, _often_ , cried his consciousness. He sat down on the couch and she just leaned on him, resting her head on his shoulder, and suddenly, his treacherous mind was back again, whispering him things he didn’t want to hear. Whispering him possibilities he wasn’t ready to consider. But then, as he was imagining himself just lifting her chin and kissing her, his sister’s words came back to him. There wasn’t prescribed time for this, there wasn’t an adequate timing to stop mourning. He looked down at her, as she was eating popcorn, some of it falling on her lap and he smiled. Nop, he wasn’t ready to let the whispers become more, but he was envisaging to listen to them a little bit more.

 


	13. ...Now let’s get a little wilder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg guys, I'm so SO sorry o.o  
> It's kind of the beginning of the « tax season », and since I'm working in an accounting cabinet, we've been busy. I usually work 2 or 3 days a week, but I've been doing 5 since mid-january... But, I still have no excuses for making you wait like this... I'm sorry, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, and I'll try to post another one tomorrow :)

When Saturday came, Leia found herself dressing up for a birthday party at the pub. She was supposed to work on Saturday, but Alyson had given her the night off. She would still be at the pub, but it was party time. She knew it was Jensen’s idea, but she couldn’t find it in herself to scold him. She was happy, even thought she didn’t like big celebrations.

 

Surprisingly enough, she was really having a good time. The pub was full, and half of the patrons were her friends. Gen and Jared were there, Ian and Nikki, even though she had only seen them once. Even Felicia was there. She was casually talking with Ian about some breed of dogs when Jensen came to her with a wicked smile on his face. He gave her a shot full of Tequila, and dragged her near the scene.

-What are you doing?

-You are going to sing.

-Hell no! she objected.

-Hell yes. I know you are afraid, but you have a beautiful voice, I heard you the other day, you were signing in your room.

-I’m… I… no! she said crossing her arms over her chest.

-Why not?

-Be…be… because.

-Because your father told you not to? Because you had this absurd idea that you can’t sing?

-I, uh…

-This isn’t true Lena. Now, I’ve heard you, and I know you can do it. Get up there and prove him wrong. Go scream to him, and to everyone that might listen, that a) you have a great voice and b) you are human so you have the right to make mistakes.

-Only if you play with me.

-I knew you’d say that. Deal.

-Right. Ok. I can do it, I can do it…

 

She walked to the scene and tried to steady her breath. She stopped and then walked back to Jensen.

-I’m gonna need more shots, she said.

-Ok.

 

Jensen started to play the notes and she started signing, her voice shaking a little bit. Signing in front of some friends in a living room was something different than in front of a whole pub. Everyone went silent and started staring at her. She swallowed nervously but kept going. She was fixing a point in the back of the pub, trying hard not to think, just to feel.

 

 

 

_I can hold my breath_

_I can bite my tongue_

_I can stay awake for days_

_If that's what you want_

_Be your number one_

_I can fake a smile_

_I can force a laugh_

_I can dance and play the part_

_If that's what you ask_

_Give you all I am_

_I can do it_

_I can do it_

_I can do it_

 

 

She took a deep breath and let the music flow in her veins like she did when she was alone. With Jensen playing by her side, she felt stronger, like she was able to do just about anything. And she knew she needed to push the song, that was a powerful song and the part to come was what made it so intense.

 

 

_But I'm only human_

_And I bleed when I fall down_

_I'm only human_

_And I crash and I break down_

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

_You build me up and then I fall apart_

_'Cause I'm only human, yeah_

_I can turn it on_

_Be a good machine_

_I can hold the weight of worlds_

_If that's what you need_

_Be your everything_

_I can do it_

_I can do it_

_I'll get through it_

_But I'm only human_

_And I bleed when I fall down_

_I'm only human_

_And I crash and I break down_

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

_You build me up and then I fall apart_

_'Cause I'm only human, yeah_

_I'm only human_

_I'm only human_

_Just a little human_

_I can take so much_

_Until I've had enough_

_'Cause I'm only human_

_And I bleed when I fall down_

_I'm only human_

_And I crash and I break down_

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

_You build me up and then I fall apart_

_'Cause I'm only human, yeah_

 

Everyone applauded her and she blushed a little bit. She escaped near the bar, trying her best to walk straight.

-You have a wonderful voice, said a guy she didn’t know.

-Yeah, thanks to my wonderful friend Tequila, she said laughing.

-I’d like to hear you without the Tequila then, said the guy.

-Oh but you would be disappointed dear, she said leaning against the counter to order two more shots.

-I’m Chris by the way, he said extending his hand to her.

-Eleanor, she said accepting his hand.

-I know, I’ve came here once a week for the past six months.

-Really? I don’t remember you.

-I’m always with two really loud guy, I’m the quiet one.

-I see, she said taking her shots and starting to walk back to her friends.

-Wait, he said.

 

She stopped and looked at him right in the eyes, making him blush a little bit.

-I, uh. I was wondering, would you, maybe, like to, uh, and I apologize if you are with this guy, but I have to ask at least once… would you, would you go on a date with me.

 

She chuckled a little bit, trying her best not to laugh at him.

-Jensen and I aren’t together. And honestly. I’m way too drunk now to really answer you. Gimme your phone, she said.

 

She took it and added her number in it.

-Here. Now text me back tomorrow and ask again.

 

And just like that, she left and went back to Jensen who was currently at the pool table. Since the beginning of their friendship, her ultimate goal was to beat him. So far it was a massive failure, but eh she had only started playing pool the day he decided to teach her so… But tonight, she was feeling it.

-Who where you talking too? Jensen asked, taking the shots she offered him.

-I think he said his name was Chris, he asked me out.

-What did you say?

-Gave him my number, told him to ask again tomorrow.

-Why?

-Because tonight the only thing I want to focus on, is to beat your ass.

-You know you can’t, I’m too good.

-Nah, I have a good feeling tonight. I’m gonna beat you.

-You won’t.

-Fine, she said with a smirk. Let’s spice things up a bit. If you are so sure of yourself. The loser gets a consequence.

-What kind of consequence?

-When I beat you, because I will, you’ll get one week to prepare yourself and then you’ll have to… make a striptease, she said laughing.

-Oh really?

-Yep. Unless you are too afraid to lose.

-And if I win?

-What do you want my consequence to be?

-The same.

-You wanna see me naked Ackles?

-Maybe, but you suggested it first.

-You can’t blame me, it’s the Tequila.

-And will the Tequila make you better at pool?

-Yep.

-Fine. Let’s drink to that, he said raising his glass.

 

They both down their shooter and smiled at each other.

-Ready to have your ass beaten, he said.

-Oh you’d like that too much, she said leaning on the table just in front of him to break the game.

 

As she leaned, he couldn’t help but notice her ass. He tried hard not to look, but he had the feeling she wanted him to look. He tried to focus on the game but finally, at his surprise, he lost.

-I can’t believe you beat me, he said.

-Told you tonight was the night. Now prepare yourself, I want a damn good dance.

-Can I try to have my revenge?

-Nop. I beat you.

-Fine, but you are going to pay for that.

-We’ll see.

 

 

***

 

 

Overall, the night went well. She had fun and a potential really bad hangover but she didn’t care. She had spent the night with all of her friends and it felt really good. Alyson had drove her back to her loft, making sure she was safe and sound before leaving.

 

When the effects of the Tequila started to wear off a little bit, Lena bit her lips and smiled. She couldn’t help but think about that striptease. She wondered if Jensen would really do it. She was in her bed, naked after a very satisfying shower and started thinking about her best friend’s body. She had tried to imagine him naked so many times, _would he drop his underwear too?_ As she was casually thinking about it, her right hand started to drift, having a mind of its own. She smiled as she felt the warmth surrounding her middle finger and started to rub. She imagined Jensen, dancing in front of her slowly unbuttoning his shirt. _Because he would certainly wear a shirt, right?_ And because she had seen him topless a couple times in the show, she had this perfect image in her mind of his chest. It looked firm but smooth and she couldn’t help but squirm a little bit under her own fingers and she pictured him on top of her.

 

Too far gone to stop herself, she stretched her left hand and dug something in her nightstand drawer. Still rubbing her clitoris, she lined the toy and pushed it in, gasping in surprise at how good it felt. In her mind, it wasn’t a toy, it was Jensen pounding into her. She closed her eyes, forcing the image to stay and he was right on top of her, kissing her neck, her ears, her cheeks, purposingly avoiding her mouth. She wondered why, but didn’t think about it long because he hit that marvellous spot inside of her and she couldn’t control herself anymore.

-Yes, right there, she whispered in his ears.

-Yeah? she heard him say with his gravelly voice. You like it baby?

-God yes.

 

And with that it was a little rougher, a little intense. She was sweating by now, and her hands were cramped but she didn’t care. Her fantasy was so real, her orgasm hit her like never before. She had thought about him while touching herself, but never like this. That night she could have sworn she heard him.

 

Still panting a little bit, she put the toy away and wiped her fingers on the sheets, way too tired to get up and clean herself. She fell asleep like that, a sated smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Lena in singing is Human, by Christina Perri


	14. The date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me :/

Lena was pacing around in her room, wearing nothing but her underwear, biting her nails nervously. She had a date, she hadn’t had a date in years and she was nervous. Maybe she shouldn’t have accepted. She sat on her bed, then got up.

-Damn it Lena calm yourself you’re giving me nausea, said a very pregnant Gen.

-I think I will cancel. I have nothing to wear anyway.

-You won’t cancel; it’ll do you good. Maybe you’ll stop lusting after your best friend, she said with a wicked smile.

 

After her birthday party, she had confessed her little fantasy to Gen, who was her closest friend beside Jensen. Oh how much she regretted it.

-I didn’t tell you that so you could make fun of me, she said.

-I’m not making fun of you. And if I’m being completely honest here I think that Jensen is the one you should go on a date with.

-Come on, not you too. We are friends. Period.

-Yeah yeah. Ok. Now, about the clothes part. Where are you going?

-I don’t even know, he is picking me up at 7’, he said it was a French cuisine restaurant.

-Ok so you need to dress up. What about the cream dress you wore at our Christmas dinner?

-It needs to be dry cleaned, and I haven’t brought it to the cleaner yet.

-Ok. Show me what you got.

 

With a loud sigh, Lena entered her walk-in and started looking. She found a denim dress that she loved and put it on. It was a wonderful dress, really tight that was showing her curves. There were buttons all the way to her collar bone to her mid-tight, where the dress ended. There was a belt, in denim too, sitting on her hips. Yeah, it was a beautiful dress. She walked out of the walk-in and after turning around to show the dress to Gen, the black haired girl denied it.

-No. It’s wonderful, I like it. But, I think it won’t fit.

 

The second time she walked out she was wearing a white dress that looked like a long blazer, it was really short and notched to the center of her chest.

-Too professional, said Gen.

-Professional, you can see half of my boobs Gen.

-I know, but still. Next.

-Arg!

 

Next one was a pink lace dress with long sleeve. It was tight in from the collar to her hips but loose in the bottom. It wasn’t her favorite one, but she was getting desperate.

-Oh my god so not you, said Gen getting up.

-This is pointless. I should just cancel. I hate this.

-Move away, I’ll find you something.

 

After fifteen minutes rummaging through Lena’s clothes, Gen finally handed her something and she put it on. It was a royal blue dress, knee long with three-quarter sleeves. The dress was smooth and the collar wasn’t showing too much. It was perfect.

-I didn’t even know I had that, said Lena smiling at her reflection.

-Honestly honey, I can’t believe how many dresses you have in there. You never wear dresses.

-I know. But I love them. That and shoes. Have you ever seen me in high heels?

-Nop.

 

The brunette smile and walked to one of the doors in the room, she opened it and Gen’s jaw fell open. There were so many shoes in there, it was impressive. She touched them, looked at them in aw.

-Jesus Lena.

 

Her eyes then fell on one pair in particular. They were a dark shade of grey, with a tiny bow on top of the toes.

-Please tell me you have some silver jewels?

-Yes why?

-You are going to be so pretty, chuckled the actress.

-You are more excited then me about this date, said Lena laughing.

 

 

_***_

 

 

As promised, Chris picked her up at 7’ and they headed to the restaurant. It was a little awkward in the car, but Lena finally decided to just let things go and be herself.

-This is a nice car, she finally said.

-Right? said Chris. My parents gave it to me for my twenty fifth birthday.

 

Eleanor smiled to herself as she listened to the 2013 Camaro purr. It was nothing compared to the old ones, but it was still a wonderful car.

-I personally preferred the old ones, she said. But they were right to bring it back.

-You love cars?

-Yeah, muscle cars mostly.

-What are you driving? he genuinely asked.

-An Audi, she simply said.

-Ok. Here we are, he said parking the car.

 

She followed him inside, both waiting to get their table. It was a nice place, not quite her usual type of place but still. Someone came and took their coat, and she noticed that he was staring at her.

-You look wonderful, he said.

-Different from that kilt uh?

-You could say that.

-You look good too, she said.

 

Chris was a good looking guy. He was tall, not as tall as Jensen but still, and she could see that he was hiding some muscle. He had dark brown hair, but bright blue eyes. It was a good mix. He was wearing black dress pants and a charcoal shirt, making his eyes pop a little more. Yeah, he was a decent guy to look at.

 

They sat at their table and Chris ordered some wine. Lena was looking at the menu with a little frown, not sure what to take. Everything looked too sophisticated for her taste. She finally settled herself for a plate of lemon chicken, deep down knowing that she would end up at McDonalds later that night.

-I’m glad you said yes, Chris said as the waiter finished noting their order.

-I’m glad I came too.

-I’ve wanted to ask you out for a long time, he admitted.

-What finally decided you?

-I don’t know, a little more beers than usual? he offered with a smile.

 

She smiled too and took a sip of her wine. She was still a little nervous. Being with someone she didn’t know, somehow brought back some of her old habits of hiding who she was. Even though she promised herself never to hide again, like they said « old habits die hard ».

-So, what are you doing for a living Chris?

-I just finished my residency.

-Right? What are you specialising it?

-Nothing, I kind of love the idea of generalist. Urgentist even.

-Cool. I’m a gynecologist… well, was.

-Really? What are you doing in O’ then?

-I, uh. I left everything behind and I wasn’t sure I still wanted to do it. I’m looking at places right now. Back home I had my own cabinet, but I don’t want that anymore. If a place opens at the hospital I’m gonna apply.

-You had your own cabinet, how old are you? he said surprised.

-I just turned 30, she said softly laughing as his expression relaxed. I skipped four years of school when I was 11.

-Four years?

-Yeah. I was kinda smart, she said blushing.

-Damn, and here I thought I would impress you with the fact that I was a doctor.

-My exploits don’t make yours unimpressive.

-But you are a genius, he said still impress.

-Yet I’m working as a waitress in an Irish pub.

-Do you miss it?

-Getting my hands inside vaginas all day? Oh yeah I miss it, she said chuckling a little bit.

-Seriously?

-Yeah kinda. But not especially that part.

-Why did you chose that in particular?

-When I was fourteen, I decided I wanted to be a doctor. At fifteen I was told that I couldn’t have kids so I decided that I wanted to be a gynecologist and help women with the only thing that I could never have.

-That is sad.

-Well. It was fifteen years ago, I’ve made my peace with that now. And kids are not first date material, she said laughing.

-You are right, but just so you know we are a perfect match because I do not want kids.

-How come? I mean it’s ok I totally respect it, but…

-My sister has four and my brother three, I’ve seen enough diaper and pacifier for the rest of my life. I’m a proud uncle. I love them, but I like the fact that I can give them back when they are too much.

-Yeah.

 

They ate in silence a little while, but that wasn’t too awkward. When the dessert finally came, Lena was so disappointed she couldn’t hide it. It sound good on paper, chocolate and ice cream and some flambé fruits. But in reality it was so small, she was sure she could fit everything in her mouth in one take.

-I take it this isn’t your usual choice of place? said Chris seeing her disappointment.

-Not really, she answered. But that’s ok. The place is lovely it’s just. I’m sure I can fit all this in my mouth, she said with a smile.

 

He looked at her like a deer in the headlight and swallowed nervously, his face blushing at the thoughts that had crossed his mind.

-Right, you can count on me to make sexual innuendos without even realising it. I’m sorry, said Lena.

-No no, I’m sorry I thought… well… I, uh…

 

She leaned a little bit, getting closer to him with a smirk.

-You thought about me having my mouth full but not with the contents of this plate. It’s ok, I’m sure I can fit that too, she said winking.

-Jesus Christ, you can’t say things like this to a guy.

-How old are you Chris?

-I’m 28.

 

 

He paid for the dinner and drove her back to her place. She hesitated for a moment, but finally invited him inside. She offered him a beer and took one for herself, both sitting on the couch side by side.

-Thank you for tonight, she said. It was nice.

-Even though you didn’t like the choice of restaurant.

-Even though, she said with a charming smile.

 

He looked at her a moment and then put his beer on the table. He leaned a little bit and looked at her in the eyes, breathing a little louder than he would normally do.

-Can I kiss you? he asked.

-Yes.

 

And then she felt a light touch on her lips, not insistent. It took her a moment to kiss back, but she did. It wasn’t the best kiss she had experienced, but it was good. For a second she wondered how it would feel to kiss Jensen like that but she quickly silenced her mind. She was with an handsome man, and she shouldn’t think about her best friend. She felt his tongue pressing at her bottom lips and open her mouth, letting him explore her a little bit. After a long kiss, he finally stepped back and stood up, the bulge in his pants clearly apparent to Lena, still sitting on the couch.

-I have to go, he said motioning to the doors.

-Ooook, why so suddenly?

-Because I’m a gentleman, and I want this to work. I want other dates, and you don’t get other dates when you spend the first one having sex.

-Ok. Then I hope you’ll call me soon for that second date, she said deposing a soft kiss on his lips.

-I will, good night beautiful, he said.

-‘night, she said closing the door.

 

She went back to the couch and took out her phone.

 

Text from: You

10:47// - Please tell me you are free tomorrow morning?

 

Text from: Jensen

10:48// - Back home already?

 

Text from: Jensen

10:48// - Yes I’m free

 

Text from: You

10:49// - Yes I’m back home. Chris just left. Wanna get some huge and unhealthy breakfast with me tomorrow???

 

Text from: Jensen

10:49// - How can I say no to that? Of course I want to.

 

Text from: You

10:49// - Cool, because I’m already starving. « Fine cuisine française » ain’t for me.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:50// - Fine cuisine française? That sure sounds like tiny plates.

 

Text from: You

10:51// - Tiny??? Dude I could have fit my whole dessert in my mouth.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:55// - Did you fit something else into your mouth? XD

 

She giggled in her living room as she read that text, unable to contain herself.

 

Text from: You

10:56// - JENSEN ACKLES!!!

 

Text from: Jensen

10:56// - What? I’m curious about your date, that’s all. How was it?

 

Text from: You

10:57// - It was… good. He is nice. He is a doctor, what a coincidence XD. He kissed me, but he left before it got too heated.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:58// - A gentleman. I like it. I’m going to sleep. I’ll drop Justice at the daycare tomorrow and we can join somewhere.

 

Text from: You

10:59// - Bring her :)

 

Text from: Jensen

10:59// - I can’t, I still have to be on set for noon.

 

Text from: You

11:00// - Do you have a lot of scenes to shoot?

 

Text from: Jensen

11h00// - No I should be done by 4’

 

Text from: You

11h01// - Bring Banana, we are gonna spend the day together.

 

Text from: Jensen

11:01// - I’ll see you tomorrow, good night Chipette


	15. Family doesn’t end with blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! It's me, I'm not dead, barely surviving this awful tax season but still alive.... Yesterday I went to bed at 8pm, I fell asleep BEFORE my three years old son... ahahah... anyway, here's a little chapter for ya ;) Hope you'll enjoy.  
> As always comments and kudos are very welcome :)

Exactly two months after that first date with Chris, Lena accepted to finally meet his parents. Chris was a really nice guy and she liked him a lot. Was she in love? No absolutely not, but she was telling herself that maybe sometimes love can be built. It was still soon but she was able to see some sort of future with the doctor. If, and only if, she stopped to really think about that, she knew it wasn’t exactly want she wanted, but she was happy. Her life was good, and she was glad with the way it was… _liar!_ screamed her consciousness.

 

The dinner at the Mckinnon’s house was ok. Turns out Chris came from a family of doctors so she hadn’t run out of subject to talk with them. His sister was an oncologist, his brother a cardiologist and both his parents were pediatricians.

-So, Eleanor, are you planning on practicing again? asked Chris’ mom.

-Yes. I’ve sent some applications to the general hospital. I kinda like working at the pub though, so I’d like to keep doing that too. We’ll see.

-Certainly a job as a waitress isn’t enough, said the father.

-Well. It’s not a gynecologist paycheck I’ll tell you that, but I’m ok for now. My car is paid in full, my loft too… So I’m good.

-I’ll see if I can move things for you at the hospital, said Chris’ sister.

-Oh please don’t bother. I’m really good where I stand.

 

As she was saying this, her phone started buzzing in her blazer’s pocket. She ignored it at first but after a while she took it off and quickly looked at the screen. Jensen had been calling her three times, and there was a text from him too. She looked at it and the only thing it was saying was: please answer. She was about to excuse herself and call back when the phone rang again.

-I’m sorry I really have to get that, she said getting up and answering. What’s up? she simply said walking away from all the curious eyes at the table.

-Lena, I’m sorry to disturb you.

-What’s the matter?

-It’s J.J., he said desperately. She had a nightmare and she can’t stop crying and she is asking for you.

-Give her the phone, said the brunette not even annoyed a little bit.

-Le… Le… Lena, said the girl sobbing.

-Hey banana, what happened?

-I had a ba… bad dream.

-Wanna tell me what it was about?

-We were playing in the playground and suddenly you weren’t there anymore, just like mommy.

-Oh honey…

-An…an…and I cried and I called you bu… but… but you wouldn’t come.

-It was just a dream love, I’m ok I promise.

-But you didn’t pick me up at the daycare today, you always pick me up on the first day.

 

In the last couple of month, they had developed some sort of routine. Lena had bought herself a car seat for her Audi and every Monday she’d pick up Justice and went to Jensen’s house while they would prepare dinner together. They would eat just the three of them and then watched a movie. Lena was usually the one to put Justice in bed on Monday. When Chris had asked her for that dinner on a Monday, she had first refused. But Jensen had pushed her to accept, after all he was her boyfriend.

 

As she listened to Justice sobbing over the phone, she had never regretted something so much in her life.

-Justice I am truly sorry. I had something to do tonight and I couldn’t pick you up. But next Monday I will ok I promise.

-I don’t want you to leave me, said the little girl.

-I will never leave you banana, I love you too much. Now go back to sleep, and when you wake up tomorrow morning I’ll be there waiting with pancakes ok?

-Can you sing me a lullaby?

-Of course love, of course.

 

« BABY moon, 'tis time for bed,

Owlet leaves his nest now;

Hide your little horned head

In the twilight west now;

When you're old and round and bright

You shall stay and shine all night.

Baby girl is going, too,

In her bed to creep now;

She is little, just like you,

Time it is to sleep now;

When she's old and tired and wise

She'll be glad to close her eyes. »

 

-I don’t know how you do that, whispered Jensen as he took back the phone. But your voice always puts her right back to sleep.

-Poor honey, I shouldn’t have missed our Monday. I’ll be at your place tomorrow morning.

-You sure, you don’t want to spend the night with your boyfriend?

-Stop it. I’ll be there.

 

She hung up and returned to the dining room, where everyone stopped talking and looked at her. It was crystal clear that they wanted an explanation, she was gone for a long time. Chris looked really disappointed and she offered him an apological smile.

-I’m so sorry, she said to the rest of them. My friend’s daughter and I, we have this special bond I don’t even know how to explain this… and we usually spend Monday together, she had a nightmare and…

-It’s ok dear, said Chris’ mom. You have a wonderful voice by the way.

-Thank you. Justice has trouble to sleep, she loves for me to sing to her.

-Can’t her mom sing for her? asked the brother.

-She died in a car accident a little over six months ago.

-I’m sorry.

-So am I. She is a wonderful little girl, I’m quite fond of her, she said smiling.

-You seem to love child, maybe you can convince our Chris to have children.

-Maybe, she simply said, not really wanting to explain, again, that she couldn’t have kids.

 

 

_***_

 

 

It was a little after midnight when Chris finally parked the car in front of Eleanor’s building. He knew he wasn’t invited to come now that he had heard her told Jensen she would be there in the morning. She looked at him and fidgeted with her coat’s sleeves a little bit.

-I’m sorry, that wasn’t a great way to meet your parents, she said.

-It’s ok. I just, I… I had different plans for tonight, he said with a little smirk.

-You can still come inside, she said. But I’ll be up really early.

-As much as I want to understand and respect your relationship with Jensen, I’m not ready to come inside, make love to you and then watch you leave for his house right after.

-It’s your call, she said not in the mood to argue.

-I’ll see you tomorrow, good night baby, he said kissing her cheek.

-Good night Chris.

 

She entered her loft and started crying, at first she thought it was because clearly Chris was a little bit mad at her, but she soon realised that she was disappointed in herself. She had let Justice down. They hadn’t missed one Monday night in two months, and just like that she had let the little girl down. Of course they had told her, but she was only three she couldn’t understand everything. Still, thought Lena, she was so smart for her young age. There was a fierceness in that little girl, a fire that was so bright so intense.

 

Eleanor wiped her tears off her face and went to the bathroom, washing her face to erase all trace of makeup. In her bed, she curled up on herself a little bit, Whisky purring beside her. She was starting to realise what she really wanted out of this life, and unfortunately she was still on the wrong path.

 

She woke up with a smile on her face at exactly five am, she stepped on a pair of sweatpants put on her favorite wool sweater and brought her hair in a, more than ever, messy bun on top of her head. At precisely 5:06 she was in her car, driving to Jensen’s house. It usually took forty minutes to get to his house, but she managed to do it in thirty. She quietly opened the door with her spare key and went to the kitchen. It was still dark and she could feel that her two favorite humans were still asleep. With a smile on her face, she went to work. This would be the best breakfast they had ever had.

 

 

***

 

 

Like every morning he was shooting, Jensen woke up at 6’, he stretched in his bed hissing a little bit as the quilt slid on his morning wood. He debated for a second whether he should take care of that or not, but remembered that Lena said she would come over so he convinced himself against. He found his pajama pants and was heading to the bathroom when he heard someone humming. Curious, he forgot about his bladder. Slowly and quietly he reached the kitchen and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her. Her clothes were way too big for her and her hair were everywhere, but she was beautiful. It was still dark outside, so she had opened one of the kitchen island lights, illuminating her face just enough to create some sort of halo over her. As he looked better at her, he saw that she had flour in her hair and sweater. She was mixing something in a bowl and she was humming something, what? he couldn’t say but she was absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t a sight to help him with his little, _not-so-little_ , problem. He cleared his throat, making his presence known and started to walk, looking down one tiny second just to be sure that his pajamas were hiding enough.

-Morning sunshine, said Lena smiling.

-Morning, how long have you been here?

-Thirty minutes, told ya I’d be here.

-I know, I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t want to disturb you with your boyfriend.

-You didn’t disturb me. I was happy to talk to J.J. I shouldn’t have gone. I let her down, she said feeling her tears coming up again.

-Eh, no… shh shh, he said bypassing the island to hug her.

-I’m sorry, she said laughing a little bit. I’m just, I’m…

-It’s ok Chipette, let it out, he said hugging her a little tighter.

 

She melted in his embrace, feeling a little guilty about enjoying it so much. She dropped the spoon she was holding and by doing so she shifted a little bit and felt something a little too hard near her hips. Her first reflex was to touch it, to grab it and do what she was desperate to do. But _that_ wasn’t right so she just pushed him away a little bit. She didn’t mention it, but she saw in Jensen’s face that he knew why she had stepped back. She smiled weakly at him and went back to her mixing.

-I’ll, uh, I’ll go take a shower. Can you keep an ear in case Justice wakes up?

-You know I can, she said as he was walking to the stairs. And Jay, she added with a wicked smile. Have fun.

-Shut up, he replied with a little smirk on his face.

 

Five minute later, Justice emerged with her tired face and reached to Lena, who picked her up instantly. The little girl hugged her tightly and Lena felt her tears coming back.

-I told you I’d be here Banana. I’ll never miss a Monday ever again, I promise.

-Where were you?

-I had a special dinner with Chris’ family.

-Who is Chris?

-I told you already Banana, he’s my boyfriend.

-Isn’t a boyfriend the someone you love? asked the little girl.

-Yes. Like uncle Jared and auntie Gen. They are boyfriend and girlfriend. Well no, they are husband and wife, but it is kind of the same thing.

-Why isn’t daddy your boyfriend then?

-Because love, I love your daddy very much but not that kind of love.

 

_You are getting so good at lying_ , said her consciousness. _You should do this professionally_.

_Shut up,_ she replied.

 

-But…

-I know it’s hard to understand Justice, but your daddy and I, it’s complicated ok. Now do you need to use the bathroom? You can come back and help me finish the pancakes after.

-Ok. I love you Lena.

-I love you too Banana.

 

She came back not so long after that, Jensen in her trails and Lena smiled like a fool. Those two were his family. As strange as it may sound, they were her little family. Plus, Jared and Gen and their two kids. She didn’t see them as often, but the little boys had won her heart too. They sat at the table and ate their pancakes while chatting about everything.

-I’m gonna invite you to dinner next week, I’m gonna introduce you to Chris. I just met his family, he should meet mine.

-Oh so we are your family?

-I kinda just realised that, she said softly smiling. I’ll invite Jared and Gen too.

-You are pretty serious about him uh?

-I don’t know. I’m not in love if it is what you are asking, but I like him.

-It can’t always be love at first sight, Jensen said.

-Can’t be.

-But we should do it here. We won’t all fit in your loft.

-Right, and you wouldn’t mind?

-Of course not, but you do the cooking.

-Will you help me?

-No, I’ll be a guest.

-I would have asked you to help anyway.

-You know I will, he said throwing a blueberry at her.

-Daddy, don’t throw food, said Justice using her « authority » voice.

-Yeah Daddy, don’t do it, said Lena winking in the little girl direction.

 

_***_

 

 

Back home, Lena started making plans for her dinner, and as she was making her grocery list she wondered if they would like Chris. And what if they don’t? She like him, he is smart and funny and really seems to care about her, but… and that is the problem, there is a but. In any other circumstances, she would already be head over her heals for him, so why can’t she? He accepted her the way she is, even though sometime she can see that he doesn’t understand her. And that is all she has ever wanted.

-So why can’t I just fall in love, she whispered.

_Because he is not HIM_ , answered her heart.


	16. What a way to get back in the game!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening my little demons, did I mention how exhausted I was with this infernal tax season? Yeah I believe I did =p  
> Anyway, just so you know, I wrote this chapter months ago, back when we didn't even know it baby Padalecki 3 would be a boy or a girl.... =p as for the giving birth part, I am NOT an OB/GYN so everything I described is mostly based on my own experience of giving birth =P
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy and please, if there are some moms in there, share your experience with me... between moms =p 
> 
> Alright, I'll shut up now...

Surprisingly enough, Chris wasn’t really thrilled to meet Jensen. Somehow, Lena understood him, because for anyone he might look like competition. She convinced him though and was rather pleased to see him get along very well with Jared. They were both sitting on the stools in front of the kitchen island, chatting while Gen was busy drawing with the kids in the living room.

 

As promised, Jensen was helping Lena and they were working so well together it was like they had done this a thousand times. She was slicing onions and pepper for the salad, and Jensen was taking care of the garlic. He reached for another glove and accidently brushed his hand with hers. Lena shivered from the touch and did her best to ignore it, but she couldn’t help but look at him from the corner of her eyes. She kept slicing, trying hard to focus her attention on the vegetables but found it harder and harder, not certain to know why.

 

She was about to start the hotplate to flip the meat, when Jensen landed his hands on her hips to steady her while he passed, not wanting to get hit if she decided to move at this precise moment. She looked at him over her shoulder and they smiled at each other, like it was the most innocent gesture in the world. The whole exchange didn’t escape Chris’ attention and Lena could have sworn she heard him growl. She looked at him and smiled in his direction, trying to reassure him that this was innocent, because Jensen and her were just friends, but she was seeing in his eyes that he was jealous.

 

She finally put the burgers on the table, giving only the meat and the bread to the guest, leaving them to make their own with the panoply of condiments and treats that were on the table. Lena was a good cook, she had taught herself to cook just about anything, but her speciality was her famous burgers. Everybody loved them and if the moans she heard coming from her friends were any indications, it was a success once again.

-Lena those are amazing, best burgers I’ve ever ate, said Jared.

-I’m glad you like it, she said blushing a little bit.

-I have to agree baby, I am not a fan of burgers, but those are damn good, said Chris.

 

And at that, Gen didn’t miss the slight groan coming from Jensen’s mouth. She patted his knee and smiled at him. He smiled back but his attention was on Chris. He couldn’t help it; he didn’t like the guy. _And what kind of guy doesn’t like burgers, healthy freaks_ , he thought.

-So Chris, he started, tell us something about yourself.

-What do you want to know?

-Anything, I just want to get to know you man.

-Well, as you may already know I’m a doctor, I currently work at the general hospital.

-Yeah Lena told me that. And what are your plans?

-I’d like to be the head of my department one day, but there’s still a lot of work ahead.

-So you want a big career?

-Well, kinda. Isn’t that everyone’s goal?

-Not especially, said Gen. I thought I wanted that, but I’m really happy with my life now. Even though people might see me as « just a mom ».

-Well, I do want a big career. And that is one of the main reasons I don’t want kids.

-You don’t want kids, suddenly said Thomas, Jared and Gen oldest son.

-No I don’t. I have enough nieces and nephews to keep me busy, said Chris.

 

The kid shrugged and then looked at Lena,

-But auntie Lena loves kids too much not to have any, right Lena?

-Well Thomas, I do love kids. But, I have the three of you. You are my little tribe.

-Damn right, said Thomas.

-THOMAS, said both his parents.

-Sorry, pitifully said the little boy, while the two other kids were giggling.

 

 

***

 

 

Once the dinner was finished, the kids were sent in Justice’s playroom, leaving the adults to chat together. Gen was returning from the kitchen, where she had fetched herself some water, when she stopped dead on her track.

-Holy crap, she said just before falling on her knees grabbing her belly.

 

In a second Jared was beside her, helping her get up, but she couldn’t even manage that.

-What happened? asked her husband.

-The water broke, but that was violent.

-Did you drop water? asked Lena now right beside her.

-No, arg… what the hell?

-You are not supposed to lose that much when you break, said Lena.

-What do you mean?

 

And before Lena could answer Gen twisted herself in pain again, holding her belly and rubbing it, trying without success, to sooth her pain. When Lena saw Gen’s eyes, everything came right back at her, and her body took over.

-Jensen, go find a large blanket and a pillow we need her to lay on her back.

-We have to go to the hospital, said Chris.

-Did you look outside? There is a storm going on, and we will all be way too anxious to properly drive. Call an ambulance, and give me the line.

 

She knew for a fact that Gen’s pregnancy hadn’t been easy on her. She had been sick, more than with the two previous and she had some trouble at the end with her pressure. Gen had mentioned two days before that she thought she was having some contractions, but it was just part of it. The baby was slowly making her way, but that wasn’t THE way yet. Now with the amount of liquid she was seeing on the floor, she suspected that Gen was completely open and probably just about ready to push. She didn’t want her friend to deliver her baby on the floor, but she didn’t want to risk both their lives either.

-Gen look at me, she asked with her doctor voice. Is the pain constant?

-Pretty, aaaarrh, much.

-Do you remember your other pregnancy? The feeling you had when it was time to push?

-Yes.

-Is it that? Or do you feel you still have time.

-I’m not feeling like pushing, but it hurts like a mother fucker.

 

At the same time Chris handed her the phone and she started to explain the situation to the emergency lady.

-No no, you don’t understand. She can’t wait an hour… I’m very calm ma’am, but you have to understand that my friend is about the deliver her baby right on the freakin floor, she said almost yelling.

-Lena calm yourself, yelling won’t help, said Chris.

-Oh you have other priorities? What the fuck? Fine fine, just send one.

-Ok we have two solutions here, said Lena with a stern look.

-Which are? asked Jared.

-We can try and brave the storm, but this blizzard won’t let us drive really fast and I’m pretty sure that this baby will be born in the car.

-And the other choice?

-Well, you just happen to have a gynecologist as a friend. I didn’t want you to have your baby on the floor, but I can do it.

-Doesn’t have to be on the floor, said Jensen. Can we move her?

-Yes, there is no danger for the baby.

-Come on then, bring her to the guest room.

-Ok… Ok.

-You sure you want to do this? asked Chris.

-This is my job, she said almost rudely. Now go to my car, in the trunk there is a white case bring it to me.

-Ok.

 

Jensen and Jared lifted Gen, who was almost crying in pain and brought her to the guest room. They placed her on the bed, with her butt just at the end, like Lena told them. The brunette came to the room not long after that, holding one of the little kids stool in her hand and placed it at the end of the bed, just between Gen’s legs.

-Now, I’m pretty sure you don’t really want to see this, so you go with the kids and you distract them. Put on music, make sure they don’t come in here, she said to Jensen.

-Ok. Ok. Good luck, if you need anything… I’m right here.

-I’ll send Chris to you.

-Ok.

 

Chris came back with her little case and she opened it with some sort of trepidation. She hadn’t done that in almost a year, and she was just realising how much she had missed it. Being in the front row of a delivery was something you were never tired of. This was the miracle of life, and she was about to perform it.

-Thank you Chris, can you go find Jensen in the playroom and ask him to show you where you can find blankets? When he tells you, put some in the dryer so they’ll be warm ok?

-Yes, you sure you don’t need help. This isn’t my specialisation but I…

-You are sweet but I’m ok.

 

She gave him a little kiss and motion for him to go. She sat on the bed beside Gen, and refrained her tears as she was seeing all the pain her friend was in. she took her hand, catching her attention and spoke.

-Did you get epidural for the boys?

-Yes.

-Ok. Unfortunately, I don’t have this. I’ll do my best, but it’ll hurt. I’m sorry. Now did they cut you?

-Episiotomy, both.

-Damn it. Ok, you can concentrate on your breathing now. Jared, do you remember the boys’s weight?

-Yes of course. 9.06 and 9.10.

-You fucking giant, I hate you right now, said Gen between her teeth.

-I’m so sorry babe, I love you. You are doing great… yeah yeah that’s ok you can crush my hand.

-Hopefully, little miss will be a little tinier. Do you remember at your last appointment the approximation they gave you about her possible weight?

-They said she would be around 8 and 8.5.

-Ok that’s good. I’m gonna check how dilated is your cervix ok?

 

Gen looked at her and just nodded.

-Yeah I know honey; I didn’t want to see your pussy either. But shit happens, she said jokingly.

 

Gen laughed a little bit and Lena smiled, at least she hadn’t lost her touch. She put on her gloves, and told Jared to take off Gen’s clothes, covering her with a blanket

-Heels on the bed, knees in the air, she indicated. You ready?

 

Once again Gen nodded her approbation.

 

Just by the look of it, she knew she was ready. She still did the test, because she had to but she smiled as soon as her fingers entered, there wasn’t any cervix to find.

-I’m touching her head, I’m pretty sure you must feel the pressure right now?

-A little bit, said Gen.

-Ok, here’s what we are going to do. Jared you will hold on one of her knees to her stomach for her and Gen you’ll have to hold the other; can you do that for me?

-I think I can.

-If you need to push on something, you just put your feet on my shoulder, right here, she pointed to show exactly where. You are not gonna hurt me, so if you need it you just push on it ok.

-Ok.

-Now, from what I see I’m pretty sure I’ll need to cut. It’ll hurt like a mother fucker, but it’ll be quick ok.

-Can’t hurt more than last time right?

-I won’t lie honey, even though the epidural doesn’t exactly affect that area, it helps.

-Ok. Anyway. What choice do I have?

-Do you trust me?

-Yeah I do.

-Perfect, now let’s get this little girl out. I have a niece to meet.

 

She let them get ready and placed everything beside her. Her little white case was ready, and she was actually really glad she had bought it, so many years ago. She wasn’t even a doctor when she had bought this, but she wanted to be ready. In that, there was everything she could possibly need in case of emergency; gloves, sealed scalpels, sewing needles… everything for the perfect homemade baby delivery.

-I’ll count to three, on three I want you to push with everything you have ok. And don’t forget the shoulder. 1, deep breath Gen you’ve done this twice already. 2, you are doing this like a champion ok… and 3, push.

 

And she pushed, it wasn’t long before Lena felt the pressure on her shoulder, but she didn’t move. It was a trick she had learned with one of her teacher, how to create a block to help women in case you didn’t have all the equipment. She was really grateful right now. She looked down and saw the hole opening, stretching to its maximum as Gen pushed.

-Ok perfect, now don’t take everything back but you can breathe just a little bit. I can almost see her ok, she is really near, with the next push I’m gonna be able to touch her head. Now on the count of three. 1, don’t forget you push with everything you have. 2, push with your heart, your lungs, the less you make noise, the stronger the push is… 3, push love push.

 

And now all of her attention was on the vagina, Gen could tear at any moment, and Lena didn’t want that. She wanted to be able see if she needed to cut but as a last resort. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a choice. She didn’t cut all the way through the anus though. She was quick, taking the scalpel and slicing just enough.

-I know you are exhausted but keep pushing ok, she’s there. Your little girl is finally here but you need to push just a tiny bit more ok. Push.

 

And with that push, Lena grabbed the head of the little life coming to the world, a little tear in her eyes.

-Ok ok, take a deep breath I’m gonna turn her and then, one more push and it’s gonna be done ok.

-You are doing great babe, said Jared. I love you.

-I love you too you fucking giant.

 

Lena laughed as she turned the little girl around, her little nose now facing the ceiling. She was about to tell Gen to just push, because it would be way easier from now on but then something came to her mind. There was something about being the first to hold your baby, something special for the mom and, even though technically it was always the gynecologist who held the baby first, it always sort of didn’t count. She had heard tale of careless nurses giving the baby to the aunt or grandmas as the mother was on the c-section recovery and she didn’t want that. She was the doctor right now, but overall she was a friend. She couldn’t be the first one to hold the little girl, she couldn’t offer it to Gen because she wasn’t in a typical hospital bed, but she knew what she had to do.

-Jared you can let go of Gen’s leg. Gen, I want you to hold it by yourself just a little bit ok. Jared come here.

-What?

-Come here, she said standing up, and sit on the stool. Ok, now we are going to Patrick Swayzed this baby together ok, you are gonna get her out. I’m right here, right behind you and my hands will be shadow to yours, but you are gonna do this and everything is going to go perfectly.

-Ok, he said getting himself ready.

 

Eleanor took his hand and placed them on the side of the little head, which she had been holding ever since she stood and he just nodded at her.

-Ok Gen, now you push with everything you have.

 

And she pushed, making a guttural sound as she was doing so. Lena was guiding Jared’s hand but in the end, he was the one who gathered the little human in his giant hands. And then there was silence, Gen had fallen back on the mattress, Jared was grinning at his daughter and Lena was giving them this second to catch their breath. She pat Jared’s shoulder, catching his attention and indicated him to rub the little girl’s feet a little bit, because she wasn’t crying. When there was no reaction, she took over and gave a firm slap under the feet, causing the baby to start crying, which was the most wonderful sound in the world, even thought she had heard it hundreds of time. She took her little pump and removed the secretion, causing the little one to cry with a little fiercer, but that was ok. That was expected.

-Now carefully not to cause Gen any pain, she said. You can give this bundle of joy to her, and come back here.

 

He did as he was told, carefully deposing his daughter over Gen’s naked body and covering them with the blanket and went back.

-I’m guessing you know what comes next?

-Umbilical cord?

-Yep, she said handing him scissors.

 

He cut it, and smiled fondly at Lena, who blushed slightly while putting the little clip near the baby’s abdomen.

-Alright champ, you go back to your wife, she said. Now Gen, I’m gonna do the usual drill ok. Get out the placenta, and sew you ok?

-Yeah, yeah ok.

-It’ll hurt, and I’m sorry.

-It’s ok Lena, it’s ok, she said almost peacefully.

 

And Lena went to work, entering her bubble and working. It didn’t take her very long and, as she finished, a gentle knock came on the door.

-Sorry to disturb guys, said Chris, but the ambulance is here.

-Perfect, perfect. Let them in, said Lena. Can you go fetch the warm blanket for me?

-Of course, of course.

 

After that, everything went really quickly. They installed Gen on the litter, took real good care of the baby and they were on their way. After debating about what they should do, the others decided to give them some space, and after arguing with Jensen whether she should stay and help him with the three kids, Lena was on her way to her loft, with Chris driving her, because in all honesty she was exhausted. She fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow, Chris at her side having a million questions in his mind.

 

 

***

 

 

When she entered the little room of the hospital, Lena was smiling like a fool. She had showed up at Jensen’s in the morning, helping him get the kids ready for school and daycare and they might have let themselves been carried away in the little girl’s section of the Children’s place. They had five bags in their hands, plus a giant bouquet of flowers for Gen.

-Hi guys, said Jensen whispering.

-You can talk, she isn’t sleeping at the moment, said Gen.

-How are you? asked Lena.

-Wonderful actually, delivering a baby without anything hurts like hell, but… no side effects. I’m good, I’m really good.

-I’m glad to hear it then.

-Thank you, said the black haired. Without you, I…

-I don’t even want to think about what would have happened honestly. The way you broke the water, shouldn’t have happen.

-I know, it’s our fault, admitted Gen avoiding Lena eyes.

-I see, simply said the doctor understanding what she meant.

-Anyway, said Jared. Want to meet this little girl properly? He asked handing the little one to her.

-Oh I, uh. Jensen was you friend first, I mean… Shouldn’t he… I don’t know.

-I won’t get jealous because you hold her first, said the man. Besides, you earned it don’t you think.

-Ok, ok, she said a little nervously.

 

She took the baby in her arms, and instantly felt warm all on the inside. She was beautiful, perfect with her pale skin and her dark hair. She was tiny, so precious. She couldn’t stop the tears that were falling from her eyes. Many years ago, she would have been so jealous, not being able to have a child for herself, but being where she was now, she just felt happy. She had helped bringing this one to the world, and even though she wasn’t the first, the fact that she would be in her life, was something very emotional for her. Suddenly, almost like she had felt Lena’s emotion, the little girl opened her eyes, still dark blue like every baby, and looked at Lena. It was almost like she was staring at her soul, and the doctor smiled fondly.

-Hi precious one, she said sobbing a little bit. You look a lot like your mother, you are truly beautiful, she said giving her finger to her little fist. And strong too.

 

She then looked at Jared and Gen, who were smiling like fools and exchanging complicit looks.

-Have you settled for a name yet?

-Yes we have, said Jared.

-We had a lot of names in mind up until yesterday, but…

-Dudes, your killing me, she said affectionately shaking her arms to cradle the little girl.

-We named her Blaire, said Gen with a wide smile.

-Just like her godmother, added Jared.

 

Had it been anything other than a baby in her arms, she would have dropped it. Of course she was close to them, but never had she expected them to choose her as a godmother for their third child, this was the best honour someone would do. Well that and naming her after her own name.

-This… I, uh, I don’t… I… Thank you, she said now officially crying.

-Honestly, the godmother thing we thought about it quite a lot during the pregnancy, said Jared. You love kids so much, and you are always good to them. And kids love you. I mean, you don’t see the boys that often, but they do love you…

-I’m honoured, really. You have no fuc… no idea what it means to me. But the name though, that is something, I don’t even know how to describe that feeling.

-After yesterday, we both agreed that there was no other name that could suit her.

-Blaire Padalecki, she said looking at her goddaughter. You and me are going to have a lot of fun together. And I’m going to spoil you so much, you have no idea.

-And you two, added Jensen. Should really be aware of that threat. Last week, I let her take J.J. for a little shopping. They were supposed to buy some socks, because Justice needed some, they got back with a little bit of everything.

-You are exaggerating, she said still smiling at Blaire.

-Justice didn’t need six new dresses.

-But they were all beautiful, we couldn’t choose, she said to her defense.

-But then, they had to find matching leggings, added Jensen smiling.

-Ok ok, fine. But just remember, she said looking at Jared and Gen. That he is the one that wanted to buy four little one piece today, because HE couldn’t decide which one he preferred.

-You two are adorable, said Gen.

-May I ask who is going to be the godfather?

-I’m not sure if you know him, it’s a friend of mine. Well, a co-worker mostly, but I’ve known him quite some time and, he kinda deserved it, said Jared.

 

She looked at Jensen, and he was grinning like a damn fool, and she couldn’t help but smile too. She kissed Blaire’s forehead and gave her to Jensen, and they spent the rest of the hour smiling over her, and promising her everything she would ever want. They were so preoccupied by the little girl that they didn’t hear their friends.

-How did they not see it? asked Jared.

-I have no idea; I think they need a little push.

-Nah, they will figure it out… In due time.


	17. Who I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so soooo sorry guys. As you may already know, I'm working in an accounting cabinet, and it was tax season... and it was INSANE. That was my first, and I'm tellin' ya LAST one... 
> 
> Anyway you DON'T want to hear me whine so... here is the chapter, and I'm promising you another for tomorrow :) 
> 
> Love ya!

After Blaire’s birth, Lena knew what she wanted to do. She had loved being a gynecologist before, but that wasn’t who she was now. Helping Gen delivering Blaire at home lightened something in her and she knew, she just knew that this was what she was meant to be. She made sure to have all the necessary rights, and equipment, and decided to be a private OB/GYN, offering herself for at home pregnancy follow-up and delivery. That way, she was able to control the amount of work she would do and keep her job at the pub, because _that_ was also a very important part of her now.

 

Two months after that decision, she had five pregnant women in her charge, and was working Wednesday to Friday, from 5’ to the closing at the pub. Chris was complaining a little bit, something about her working too much but she loved the way it was, and in all honesty she didn’t really care what he was thinking.

 

She kept her promise to Justice and never missed a Monday again, more often than not, she would end up spending the night and keeping the little girl with her the next day. Whether she was with J.J. or not, Tuesday afternoons were spent at the Padalecki’s house with Blaire.

 

When Chris wasn’t working she would spend Wednesday and Thursday with him, and the week end, when she didn’t have plan or ended up helping Alyson at the pub.

 

Friday had become, after Monday and Tuesday of course, her favorite day of the week. After she had sung at her birthday, the patrons kept asking her to sing every Friday night, and with Jensen always telling her that she had a wonderful voice, she found herself growing more and more confident. At first she would choose a song and sing it, but the patrons started asking her special ones and it turned out she was able to sing just about anything, always putting some sort of performance with her signing. After two months of that, around the time Blaire was born actually, regulars started to ask her almost impossible song and it became some sort of game at the pub. Whoever would succeed in picking a song she couldn’t sing, would get their meal free. They were yet to find it, but Lena had a little box full of requests on the stage.

 

All in all, her life was good. She was happy and truly felt herself for the very first time of her life. The only thing that bothered her a little bit, was her relation with Chris. She liked him, but the more the months passed, the more she realised that she didn’t, and probably never would, love him as much as he seemed to love her. She wanted to end it, but every time she thought about it she just told to herself that maybe epic love didn’t exist. Chris was the perfect guy; she couldn’t have kids he didn’t want kids. She was a doctor, and a waitress but that wasn’t the point, he was a doctor. So he could understand the life and she could understand his. Sexually, well she wasn’t the shy little girl she once was, but there was something missing.

 

She was eating her sandwich, preparing herself for her Friday night shift, when Alyson came to the dining room and sat in front of her with her concerned look.

-Saturday or Sunday? asked the brunette.

-What? asked Alyson.

-Usually when you look at me like that, it’s because you have something to ask.

-Oh no, I, uh… I’m worried about you, admitted the owner.

-Why is that?

-Well, I don’t want to sound like an intruder or, I… You…

-Spit it out hon, you are making me nervous.

-Why are you still with Chris?

-Oh that, I, uh… I’m still hoping I’ll wake up one day and realise that I’m deeply in love with the guy in my bed, she said with a shrug.

-Except you keep waking up with the wrong guy in your bed, Alyson added before she could stop herself.

-Maybe I just haven’t met my soul mate yet, maybe there is no such thing as soul mate. I don’t know. I like Chris, really I do like him. It’s just…

-You are unbelievable, sighed the red haired.

-What?

-Nothing, that is probably none of my business anyway.

-I’m giving myself until June, said Lena.

-What for?

-I know it’s not fair for him, but I never said I was a saint. If I’m still not in love with him in June, I’ll end it.

-You can’t force love you know that right?

-I know, I’m just… I’m afraid. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, so I…

-You are acting like a bitch, hoping that he would leave you.

-What are you talking about?

-Oh come on, loudly sighed the younger one. You spend most of your free time with Jensen, or with Justice. You had more slumber party with her in the last three months than all the girls in college reunited. You step on any occasion to work here, although I do know you absolutely don’t need the money. I saw you gave up all your tips to the other girls.

-Aly I, uh…

-I’m not done, said Alyson. You barely let him touch you in public, you never dance with him, and you always turn him down when he asks you to do something.

-So what are you saying, I’m an evil bitch?

-I’m not sayi… Lena you’ve mistaken my intentions here. I, and I kinda feel a little bad about it, but I really don’t care about him. I think that he is in love with this idea he has of you, which isn’t even half of who you truly are. And I’m wondering why don’t you just end it, you told me that you hid yourself all your life, being someone others wanted you to be. Looks to me like you are doing it all over again. You are expected to be in love with « such a great guy » so you just wait and wait. You are certainly not supposed to dump him, so instead you are acting like an « evil bitch » hoping he would dump you.

-Alyson I… I don’t know what to say to that.

-You see my dear Lena, we haven’t spent a lot of time together in the last few months, but the Lena I hired, she came here wanting to be different. She wanted to be who she was, not what she was expected to be. And I admired that, so much. I thought you had so much courage. I like you Lena, and it pains me to see you falling back like that. Everything else, you truly seem to be happy but…

-June, she whispered avoiding Alyson’s eyes.

-And by the way, soul mates do exist.

-I just haven’t found mine yet, said Lena standing up.

-Darling we both know this isn’t true.

-I, uh…

-Now go, I’m paying you for nothing for the pass five minutes.

-You were the one doing « an intervention », she said laughing.

-hush hush… I have stews to make, and you have a song to wonderfully sing, so I don’t end up giving a free meal tonight.

-I’ll do my best, she said adjusting her kilt and smiling at her reflection.

-I know, simply said the girl leaving for the kitchen.

-And Aly, shouted the waitress as her friend was turning around, her hand on the kitchen’s door. Thank you.

-Anytime.

 

 

***

 

 

-So guys, how are you tonight? asked Lena standing on the stage.

 

The little crowd of O’s started to cheer and she spotted some familiar faces near the door. She smiled widely at Jensen and Jared, and then went to her little box.

-So, has everyone put their suggestion in there?

 

Once again the crowd cheered and she took that as a yes. She picked up one song in the box and read it. She was a little surprised at first, but it was one of her favorite song she just hadn’t sing it to people yet. Except for Jensen, she had sung it to him one day, after he called her crazy because she was over excited about some thing she couldn’t remember.

-Alright, alright. I have to admit; this one is frightening me a little bit. Who is the genius that thought that I couldn’t sing Heathens, uh?

 

To her surprise, three person manifested themselves and she smiled. Alyson wrote up their names and Lena smiled at the crowd with some sort of craziness in her smile, already getting in the sound.

 

 

_-« All my friends are heathens, take it slow_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_Please don't make any sudden moves_

_You don't know the half of the abuse_

_All my friends are heathens, take it slow_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_Please don't make any sudden moves_

_You don't know the half of the abuse_

_Welcome to the room of people_

_Who have rooms of people that they loved one day_

_Docked away_

_Just because we check the guns at the door_

_Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades_

_You're lovin' on the psychopath sitting next to you_

_You're lovin' on the murderer sitting next to you_

_You'll think, how'd I get here, sitting next to you?_

_But after all I've said, please don't forget_

_All my friends are heathens, take it slow_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_Please don't make any sudden moves_

_You don't know the half of the abuse_

_We don't deal with outsiders very well_

_They say newcomers have a certain smell_

_Yeah, I trust issues, not to mention_

_They say they can smell your intentions_

_You're lovin' on the freakshow sitting next to you_

_You'll have some weird people sitting next to you_

_You'll think "how did I get here, sitting next to you?"_

_But after all I've said, please don't forget_

_(Watch it, watch it)_

_(Watch it)_

_All my friends are heathens, take it slow_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_Please don't make any sudden moves_

_You don't know the half of the abuse_

_All my friends are heathens, take it slow_

_(Watch it)_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_(Watch it)_

_All my friends are heathens, take it slow_

_(Watch it)_

_Wait for them to ask you who you know_

_Why'd you come, you knew you should have stayed_

_I tried to warn you just to stay away_

_And now they're outside ready to bust_

_It looks like you might be one of us »_

 

And with that last sentence, after she, once again mastered the song they gave her, she, literally, dropped the mic with a wicked smile on her face. She could have just put it back on the stand, but she loved to give them a show. The crowd applauded her and she bowed smiling at them. The three people who suggested it sat back a little disappointed.

-That was amazing, said Jensen hugging her.

-I’m pretty proud of myself on that one, she admitted.

-That was perfect, he said still hugging her.

-Jensen, you are crushing me. What’s gotten into you?

-Oh, right sorry. I, uh. Sorry.

-Hey I’m not complaining, she said.

-But your boyfriend would.

-Right, my boyfriend.

-So, you still up for helping me tomorrow?

-Well of course.

-You sure, you don’t have to.

-Oh shut up will you. In less than two weeks one of my two favorite little girls in the world is gonna turn four, I want this to be perfect. Not that I’m doubting you, but…

-Ok ok, But you are staying for dinner right?

-Yes of course. I’m not sure Justice really understands what is going on, but I want to be there for her.

-Yeah, they talked about that a lot this week at the daycare.

-Do you… she stopped because she noticed Chris coming to her.

 

He took her in an embraced and kissed her, almost roughly and then kept her close with an arm around her shoulder. Or at least he tried, because she pushed him a little bit, embarrassed.

-As I was saying, she said giving all her attention to Jensen. Do you want me to spend the night, or do you prefer to be alone with J.J. on Sunday morning?

-I, uh. I think she would like you to be there.

-Ok.

-You don’t have to, he said noticing Chris jealous glare at him.

-Shut up, she said punching him on the arm. My shift is over; I’ll see you tomorrow.

 

She left with Chris, not really happy with his attitude but, it was… expected so.

 

 

***

 

 

-So, I’m not seeing you this weekend? asked Chris once they were back at Lena’s loft.

-I guess not, she said with a shrug.

-Better make tonight memorable then, since I’m gonna miss you, he said with a charming smile.

-Dude, it’s two days, she said.

-Don’t call me dude, he said unbuttoning his shirt.

-Oh this is what you have in mind uh?

-Isn’t that normal, can’t a guy want to make love to his beautiful girlfriend?

-Pretty normal, I would say, she said a little impressed by his sudden confidence.

 

He picked her up from the floor and brought her to the bedroom, gently deposing her on the bed.

-You should let me take care of you baby, he said.

-You could massage my feet, she said with a malicious smile.

-That is not what I meant, he said unbuttoning her jeans. We’ve been together for six months and you still haven’t let me taste you. I want to baby; I really want to.

-I’ve told you this already, I don’t like this. I’m not into it, she lied.

-Alright alright.

 

He started kissing her, and even though she really felt off kissing him, he didn’t seem to notice. They were quickly naked and he made love to her, and for the first time in her life she didn’t enjoy herself during sex. That, he might have noticed because he started to gently rub her clitoris, getting no moans out of her. He let his cock sliding out, and started massaging her vagina more thoroughly. She couldn’t help but moan at that.

-We should try something different, he whispered in her ear sliding one finger in her.

-Mm??

-Have you ever thought about, he stopped and let his finger find the way to her ass hole.

 

She stepped back, eyes wide open and pushed him with her feet, forcing him to sit on his heels.

-No, not interested, she said.

-Lena, he sighed. You are a gynecologist, a doctor. Surely you know that those are the same nerve endings that in your…

-Do not go all facts on me, it won’t work. I don’t want anything in my ass.

 

Truth is, she had thought about this a lot. Was she desperate to try it? No, absolutely not. Was she curious? Yes, definitely. But that, at least for her, was something that required a lot of trust and love and… this wasn’t what she was feeling with him.

-Fine, he said pushing her on her back again trying to resume their activities, but she stopped him with a hand on his chest.

-Sorry but you kinda ruined the mood.

-You weren’t in the mood Lena, I tried to…

-Look I’m sorry, I can finish you off if you want, she offered.

-Well, that is the most awkward I’ve ever felt in bed.

-Sorry, she said taking his still hard dick in her hand and removing the condom.

 

 

She jerked him off and then let him cuddle her trying hard not to cry. She waited until he fell asleep and got up, Whisky on her trails. She sat on the couch and took her little cat in her arms. The little beast started purring immediately, but this time it wasn’t enough to sooth her, so she let the tears fall and fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to sing this song and drop the mic at the end so badly :) ahaha


	18. Happy Mother’s day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mother's day to allt he moms out there. I love you all :)

On Saturday morning Lena woke up to the smell of bacon, eggs and coffee. She stretched a little bit, evaluating the aches in her muscles for sleeping on the couch and got up. She saw Chris in the kitchen, making breakfast with a content smile on his face. His smile grew wider when he saw her and he started to walk towards her and tried to give her a kiss but she put her hand on his mouth and smiled weakly.

-Morning breath, she said walking herself towards the bathroom.

 

She heard him sigh, but didn’t bother to react. She would end things up, and she wasn’t sure if she would wait until June. She didn’t want to do this that particular day, because it would have looked too much like it was about yesterday, which wasn’t. She brushed her teeth and went back to the kitchen, sitting at the island.

-Look, this is me apologizing for yesterday, he offered giving her a plate full of her favorite things.

-Which part? Trying to convince me to do something I don’t want, or make an ass out of yourself with the jealous glare in Jay’s direction?

-He was hugging you like he owned you, I’m not even allowed to hug you like that, he said defensively.

-He was just proud of me, about the song.

-Well, excuse me but I had to remind him who was your boyfriend.

-You didn’t have to… Oh my god, I’m so not engaging in this conversation. This is ridiculous. I don’t do jealousy Chris, I’m telling you.

-Ok ok, I’m sorry baby. I overreacted. I won’t do it again. Now eat, it’s getting cold.

-I can’t, I’m heading to Jensen’s remember? We are planning Justice birthday.

-Of course, he said with a detached voice.

-Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave, she said getting up.

-I don’t have a key Lena, he sighed knowing very well that Jensen had one.

-Oh right. Ok let’s eat and then we are leaving.

 

He sighed again, and again she didn’t react.

 

 

***

 

 

Planning Justice’s birthday with Justice in the house turned out to be nearly impossible so the two adults gave up for the day, they’d have to do this when she would sleep. They ate pizza that night and watched Tangled, then Star Wars, once Justice was asleep.

-Sorry I got your boyfriend jealous yesterday, Jensen said.

-Oh please don’t talk about him, she sighed.

-What happened?

-Nothing, please can we talk about anything but him?

-Ok I’m sorry, he said just as she was putting her head on his shoulder.

 

When she woke up on Sunday she was slightly disoriented. She looked around and realised she was in the guest bedroom, and smiled. It wasn’t the first time she fell asleep on a movie and Jensen had to carry her to the bed like that. She changed in her spare clothes and went to the kitchen, where a similar scene as yesterday morning was waiting for her. Jensen was wearing one of his flannel pajamas, cooking eggs, while Justice was taking care of the bread. There was a wonderful bouquet of daisies on the table and she just smiled.

-Hi Lena, did you sleep well? asked the little girl.

-Wonderfully, answered the woman scooping the little girl off her seat to hug her.

-Are you happy we are making you breakfast? said Justice.

-This is for me? All of it? she asked with a smirk.

-Yes, said the little one.

-So I can eat all the bacon, and all the eggs.

-Well, daddy and I have to eat too, said Justice giggling.

-I know Banana, I’m messing with you, she said deposing the girl on the chair.

 

And then like it was the most natural thing in the world, she countered the island and hugged Jensen, with all of her strength.

-Hey, what’s going on? he asked softly.

-I, uh. Just thank you for being there.

-Well, this is kinda what all this is about, he said showing her the flower and the breakfast.

-Uh?

-You’ll see, he said smiling.

-Come sit with me m… Lena.

 

Lena’s heart almost stopped right there, Justice had almost called her mommy. She took a seat beside her and listened to her blabbering, somehow a little disconnected from what she was saying. She came back from where she was when Jensen put a plate in front of her, smiling.

-Can I give it now daddy? asked the little girl.

-It’s up to you sweetheart.

 

She jumped out of her chair and ran to pick something in the counter and then gave it to Lena. Carefully the brunette opened it and tears started falling off her eyes. She opened the little card and smiled more at all the heart that fell from the card. She noticed a gift card scotched in there too and smiled more, if it was possible.

-Happy Mother’s Day Lena, proudly said Justice.

-I, uh… thank you love, thank you.

-When I told the educator that I couldn’t do a Mother’s Day card because my mommy was in the sky, she told me that I could always do one for any other special woman in my life, said the little girl concentring on her words. She said it could be a grandma or an aunt. I asked if it could be a stepmama, she said smiling.

-I had to explain to the educator that you weren’t my girlfriend, said Jensen blushing a little bit. I hope they won’t start spreading rumors.

-You know I am not your stepmama Justice, soflty said Lena.

-I know. But I want you to be.

 

Not knowing what to say to that, Lena just hugged the little girl and they continued to eat. After that Justice went to her room, playing with her doll house as the two adults washed the dishes.

-Thank you Lena, I will never say that enough. It was hard for Justice, but she found her peace in you. I found it too. And I know that it may seem strange, or even inappropriate but…

-Don’t… she said putting one finger to his lips. I don’t care how strange it looks. Life brought us together for a reason, and if it was for you too to heal, I’m happy with it. Did you heard her, she almost called me mom, I… I love her so much, and I feel bad sometimes because her mom isn’t there but…

-Danneel would be happy to know that there is someone taking care of her girl, and her husband, he said.

-I will always take care of you two, I love you too much, she said looking him in the eyes.

-And we love you too, he answered holding her eyes in his green ones.

 

They stayed like this a moment, simply lost in each others eyes. Lost in their own thoughts. Jensen put his hand on Lena’s cheek, and she just pushed her cheek to his hand, seeking more of that touch, that comfort. Without even realising what he was doing, Jensen leaned a little bit., closing his eyes in the process. Their lips were almost touching, feeling each other accelerate breathing, ghosting over their own lips, when they heard a loud bang coming from upstairs and then Justice crying.

 

They both ran to her bedroom and found her on the floor, in tears, holding her little fist near her chest. Jensen kneel before her and hugged her, the poor little girl sobbing in his arm. Lena kneel too, and knew just by the look of it that her wrist was broken.

-What happened? ask Jensen with his fatherly voice.

-I, I, I… gasped the little girl. I wanted to, to, to….

-Take your time baby, I’m not scolding you, I just want to know, he said.

-I want to have my big girl book, and I tried to grab it…

 

Her big girl book was a book that Lena gave her and there were little figurines in it to play on a mat.

-Jensen, softly said Lena deposing a hand on his shoulder. We need to take her to the hospital. I’m pretty sure it’s broken.

-Yeah, yeah ok.

 

 

They arrived at the hospital and, luckily for them, they got priority and they went directly in the doctor’s room. Lena was a little surprise to see Chris coming through the door, and judging by his face he was surprised too.

-Hey little one, what happened? he asked the little girl.

 

Justice just curled herself in Jensen’s arms, leaving her father to explain everything.

-It’s broken, finally said Lena impatient.

-I’ll be the judge of that, answer Chris with a warning look in Lena’s direction.

-You came follow me, he said to Jensen. We are going to take a picture of your arm ok? he then asked Justice.

-Ok, sobbed the little girl.

-Eleanor you can wait in the waiting room, he said.

-But I…

-Family allowed only, he cut her.

 

Lena gave him a murderous look and did as she was told, squeezing Jensen’s hand and caressing Justice head before doing so. She was waiting in the waiting room, currently chatting with a excited five years old boy, when a nurse came to her.

-Eleanor?

-Yep?

-Can you follow me please?

-I guess, she said standing up.

 

 

***

 

 

Jensen was doing his best to keep his little girl calm, but she was fighting like a monster. There was no way the doctor was gonna be able to take that radiography of her arm. The fact that she didn’t like Chris didn’t help of course.

-Justice please calm yourself, this won’t take long and the doctor need to know what is wrong with your arm so they can help you heal.

-I don’t want. I want mama, she said now crying even louder.

 

Jensen’s heart aches painfully at that, of course she wanted her mom. How couldn’t she, she was so young. He felt tears falling down her face and was about to explain to her, again, that her mommy was in the sky, but something wasn’t right. She had never called Danneel mama… it was always mommy or mom.

-Baby you know mommy is… he tried.

-Not mommy, dad. Mommy is in the sky. I want mama.

-Mama??? Justice I…

-Mama Lena, said the little girl, causing her father heart to ache a little more.

 

He saw in Chris eyes that the man wasn’t happy about that, but now wasn’t the time to tell him to fuck off so he just smiled at him.

-Go fetch _my_ girlfriend, said Chris to the nurse, emphasizing on the my of his sentence and looking right in Jensen’s eyes as he was saying so.

 

Lena arrived three minutes later and completely ignored Chris, still mad at him for his behaviour in the consultation room, and went straight to Jensen.

-What’s wrong?

-Mama, said the little girl leaving Jensen’s arm seek refuge in Lena’s.

 

Eleanor looked at Jensen with a major interrogation point in her face and he just shrug, not knowing what to say anyway.

-Hey banana, you are giving trouble to the doctors?

-I wanted you, sobbed the little girl.

-Shhh shh, I’m here, I’m here.

 

She looked at Chris with fire in her eyes.

-What are you waiting for.

-You can’t keep her in your arms, he stated.

-I know, I’m gonna keep her until the very last minute.

-As you wish.

-Don’t be like this, she said just for him to hear. don’t let your jealousy get in the way, all that matters now his Justice.

-She is always all that matters Lena, he said a little calmer.

 

 

***

 

 

As Lena as told, Justice had a broken wrist. But, she was really happy with her wonderful pink cast. When she came back home, Lena was ready to end things up with Chris, but he somehow managed to buy some more time. He showed up at her door the next morning with a bouquet or red roses, yeah she didn’t like red roses but the intention was there, and he apologized. So, instead of doing what her heart was telling her, she stick with her stupid plan and gave him until June. Even though now she knew, she knew that HE wasn’t was she wanted.


	19. The convention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for you my lovelies.  
> I don't know how to tag someone in the note, but this chapter has a little tribute to you MurderousQueen. I hope you'll enjoy this little one, and I sure hope that one day will get a chance to meet for real ;) Thanks for being here, for listening to me, for being my friend even though we are far far away ;)
> 
> Alright now, about that chapter... Things are stating to get real now, I'm tellin' ya...

For one rare time, Lena had woken up before her alarm went off. The sun shined brightly in her room and she layed there enjoying the warmth on her body. She stretched a little bit and then got up. She slowly dragged herself to the kitchen and found Chris already dressed eating some cereals.

-Good morning baby, he said leaning to kiss her cheek.

-Coffee? she simply answered.

 

He gave her a mug full of dark liquid and she smiled down at it, enjoying the first sip with a content sigh.

-I’m working today, but after that I have the week end off, so don’t plan anything I’m bringing you somewhere, he said smiling.

-Oh, uh. I already have plans for this week end, she said.

-But Lena, this is important.

 

She just looked at him with questionable eyes and kept drinking her coffee.

-Every year, he started to explain. We rent a house in the wood…

-You should have told me sooner, I’m sorry but I have plans.

-Can’t you cancel them?

-Nop.

-I think Justice can understand, he sighed.

-It’s not about Justice, she is spending the weekend with Gen.

-What it is?

-I’m going to a convention.

-A convention? he asked with a crooked eyebrow.

-Yeah, SupernaturalCon in Phoenix, she said smiling.

-Why?

-Because I’ve always wanted to, she simply answered still drinking her coffee.

-I… I don’t get it. Why would you go to Phoenix, pay possibly hundreds of dollar to go take a picture with guys you have set on your phone on your favorite contacts?

-This isn’t about that.

-What this is about then, please enlighten me because I’m in the dark.

-This is about everything. Supernatural had been on for twelve years, the family that comes with it is amazing. This is the opportunity to be surrounded by people with the same passion as me. We are all one big family. This fandom, these people have been there for me when no one else was. I’ve survived all those years in my unfitting life, because at least I had this. I’ve supported Jared’s and Misha’s campaign more than once, I’ve been a counsellor for the « you are not alone » campaign Jensen and Misha did last year. I’ve made friends through that show and I finally have the chance to meet them, one in particular.

-You are not alone anymore, you don’t need to evade yourself in that, he said.

-I will always need to evade myself Chris. I’m a passionate person and..

-This isn’t passion anymore Eleanor, you are obsessed.

-Maybe I am, I’m pretty sure I am. But it makes me happy, so I’m going.

-Please cancel, there’ll always be another one. I really need you with me this week end.

-I’m sorry, but no.

-And what if it was Justice, what if she calls you and asks you to stay with her?

-Don’t put her in the middle of this, she said now angry at him.

-Answer the question Lena.

-I would stay here with her.

-Why? Why do you like her that much? Is this because you can’t have children of your own?

-No! I’ve made my peace with that a long time ago. I don’t know how to explain this, Justice and I, we are close. It’s just like that.

-Doesn’t make sense. You are not related to her; you didn’t even know her last year. Yet, you still put her first. Don’t you see Eleanor? As long as you keep her, and Jensen in your life we will never be happy.

-They were there before you, Lena said in the same tone as him.

-Look, I see myself with you. I lo… I like you a lot Lena, and I want to have this future with you. You are what I want, but we need to fix our problems, otherwise it will never work.

 

He continued to speak, babbling about giving themselves a chance and other things like that but Lena had stopped listening. She was too mad to. How could he ask her to leave Jensen and Justice behind? They were her family; she could never do that. She looked at him, and all she could feel was disgust. For the first time in six months, she saw him for exactly what he was; a pretentious douchebag who only wanted her because she was like this prize girlfriend or something. He may have never judged her, _before_ , but he had never truly shown interest in what she liked. For the first time, she was finally honest with herself, he was and always had been, just a distraction from what she truly wanted.

-Are you done? she finally asked him when she noticed he had stopped talking.

-Yes, he said looking at her with pleading eyes.

-Fine, she said taking another sip of her coffee. Now take your things and get out.

-But Lena…

-Don’t make me repeat myself, I hate repeating myself. I’ve once been called the Queen of Hell, and believe me I deserved it, she said calmer than she had thought herself capable of.

 

She watched him gathering his things and when he was finally in the door, she spoke again.

-And a friendly piece of advice, she said. Do not ask a girl to leave her family behind, even less when you haven’t been with said girl for a very long time.

-They are not your family Eleanor, and if you continue to put them first you’ll lose yourself in the process.

-I will always put them first, she said. She took a deep breath and added. And you are wrong, as long as I have them by my side, I’ll never lose anything.

-You are losing me, he said.

-No, she said with a smirk. I’m winning myself back.

 

And she closed the door.

 

 

_***_

 

 

When she finally arrived at the hotel she was supposed to stay, Lena felt like a child about to figure what Santa had brought her for Christmas. She had wanted to go to a convention for so long, and she was finally there. She couldn’t wait to see Jensen’s face when she would walk to him to get a picture, because he didn’t know she was there. She could have told him, but the idea of seeing his surprised face was too tempting.

-Do you have a reservation? asked the man in the front.

-Yes. Eleanor Blaire, she said with a smile.

-Is it possible that you registered into another name?

-Uh, no. Eleanor Blaire, I’ve made a reservation months ago.

-I’m sorry miss Blaire but we don’t have your name anywhere.

-Check again, said the girl.

 

With an annoyed sigh, the man checked again but there was still no registration under Eleanor’s name. Well, that certainly didn’t start very well. She took out her phone and texted the friend she was supposed to meet, to let her know that she’d be late and then called every hotel to a reasonable walking distance; all booked.

-Of fucking course, she said through her teeth.

 

Text from: You

1:00// - Ok, I didn’t solve my problem, but I won’t let it ruin my weekend. Where do you want to meet?

 

Text from: Lorelai

1:01// - Just inside, by the door, there is a stand with huge poster. I’m standing there.

 

Text from: You

1:02// - I’ll be there in five.

 

 

They met exactly there and talked a lot before actually deciding to move. They had been chatting and texting for about two years, but living in two different countries, they never had the chance to meet. Lena had told her friend that she was friends with the guys but she could sense that Lorelei didn’t believe her. She wasn’t mad at her, how could she. She wouldn’t have believed it either. So she just waited.

-So, uh, where are you gonna sleep?

-I honestly have no idea, I’m so mad they fucked up my reservation.

-I would invite you to my room, but we are already three in it.

-Nah it’s ok. I’ll think of something. Now come on, there is a panel with Mark and Misha in ten, I don’t want to miss it.

 

As always, Misha was hilarious. Mark too, and Lena laughed more in that hour than she had in a long time. Lorelei and her then went to a stand to get a t-shirt, because « you honestly can’t have too many Supernatural shirts ok » and by the time they were done, it was time for their picture with Jared and Jensen. Eleanor felt the trepidation in her heart. Not only would she surprise Jensen, but Lorelei too. They waited in line and when they finally reached the front, it was priceless.

-What the fuck are you doing here? asked Jensen.

-Taking a picture with my favorite actor, she said with a smirk.

-Come here, he said ignoring everyone else and hugging her.

-D’you miss me? she asked smiling.

-Always, he said hugging her a little more tightly… Always, he whispered.

 

They heard some upset noises in the crowd and both smiled.

-So, uhm. Jay this is my friend Lorelei, Lorelei this is Jensen, she said inviting her friend to join her.

-Nice to meet you Lorelei, said Jensen extending his hand.

-Ni… Nice to meet you too. Oh my god Lena I can’t believe it, I’m sorry but…

-You didn’t believe me, yeah I know. It’s ok.

-Can you please take your picture, there are people waiting, yelled a girl in the line.

 

Lena chuckled and asked Lorelei if she had plans for the picture, but they finally decided to just be casual.

-Where are you staying? asked Jensen.

-I was supposed to stay here, but they fucked up. I’ll probably spend the night drinking coffee in the nearest Starbucks or something.

-What, no way.

-I’ve called like four freakin’ hotels, there isn’t any place.

-Text me later, we’ll figure something.

 

 

-You were saying the truth, said Lorelei still in shock as they took place in a seat in the little Café they had found.

-Yep, smiled the other one.

-So when you told me you had a boyfriend?

-No, god no. Jensen and I we are ju…

-I swear to Chuck Eleanor if you say that you are just friend I’m gonna slap you in the face, warned to black haired girl.

-Bu…

-No buts Lena.

-Ok ok fine, I’ll tell you what I can actually tell. My boyfriend’s name was Chris, but I broke up with him yesterday. With Jensen, well it’s… it’s… I don’t know.

-It is obvious for anyone with eyes that you two are more than friends. I’ve seen you two for five minutes and I know.

 

Lena was about to answer something when her phone started buzzing on the table.

-World’s cutest Chipette, she answered. What can I do for you?

-It’s more a what can _I_ do for you, answered Jensen laughing.

-Is that so?

-I’ve made some calls for you, and there isn’t any room available, he started.

-No shit Sherlock.

-So you are staying with me.

-Come again?

-I’m not gonna let you spend the night alone in a damn Starbucks, so you are staying with me. I’ve got this whole room all for myself, I can share.

-Ok. Why not.

-I’ll text you the info, you can come by anytime you want. I’m heading out for a late dinner with Jared and Misha, wanna join?

-I’m still with my friend Lorelei.

-And?

-You guys don’t mind?

-She seemed fine.

-Ok.

 

She hung up the phone and look in her friend’s direction with a gummy smile.

-What about a dinner with Dean, Sam and Cass?

-Huh?

-Jensen just invited us to dinner, wanna come?

-Damn right I want to come.

 

 

***

 

 

The dinner was cool, Lorelei got along just fine with the guys and Lena was happy. She exchanged some complicit look with Jensen, which didn’t escape Jared’s attention but she didn’t care. At this point, she just knew that there was a little something more between them. It was a little strange though to head back to Jensen’s room.

 

The actor was sitting at the little table, but a malicious smirk passed on his gorgeous face. He dug in his case and took out a little card package.

-Ever played poker?

-Nop.

-Damn.

-But, I’m really awful at any card games. Unless we are playing battle.

-Battle?

-Oh you know, we put cards on the table, the higher wins.

-Fine. What are we playing for?

-What about info?

-Like?

-The winner can ask a question. The loser has no choices but to answer.

-And if we don’t want to? asked Jensen with a crooked eyebrow.

-Well, I would say you take a shooter. But we don’t have alcohol so… Let’s be honest.

-Sure.

-Let’s play then.

 

And they started playing, starting with easy question, but as the game progressed their question became a little dirtier.

-Ok Eleanor, tell me how is sex with your current boyfriend? asked Jensen.

-I broke up with Chris, but to answer your question it was… fine.

-Wait, when did you break up?

-Yesterday morning.

-Ok, ok. What is your card.

 

They put another card on the table and Jensen won again, he actually won a lot that night.

-So, sex was just fine?

-Yep. It was ok, but… there was a little something missing, he was too vanilla for my taste.

-To vanilla uh?

-Well, I’m not exactly a sub/dom kinda girl, nor do I want to be spanked or bitten. But, I don’t care to be roughen a little bit. I love it with passion, and sometimes too much foreplay it’s not what I’d like. You know, being pushed on the wall and taken right there… yeah…

 

At this, Jensen had to take a deep breath, because all he could think about was doing just that to her. He saw her smiling at her cards and for just a second he was about to stand up and take her. He managed to resist, God knows how, and put another card on the table.

-Oh it’s my turn, said Lena.

-I’m terrorized.

-You should be.

 

She thought a little bit, and suddenly decided to be a little wilder than usual. In any other day, she wouldn’t have asked him that question, but today she didn’t care.

-If I wasn’t your best friend. What would you do with what I just told you?

-I would drop that game, take you in my arm and force you to wrap your legs around my waist. I’d kiss you with all I have and I’d take you right there, with your back on the wall. By then you’d be a damn mess and I’d just fuck you with everything I have.

 

Lena hardly swallowed and looked at him right in the eyes, incapable of moving. They stared at each other for a little while. In fact, they were staring at each other’s eyes a little too much to pretend to be just friends. Still not knowing what to do, she just put another card on the table and Jensen smiled, proud of himself.

-Looks like it’s my turn, he said smirking.

-Looks like it.

-Ok, so tell me Eleanor Blaire, do you have any special talent? he asked getting away of that dangerous path they were on.

-I was told I have a great voice, she said.

-Other than that.

-I, uh… I’m good with words.

-What do you mean?

-Give me any word and I can make it beautiful. If I had a superpower, it would be it.

-Ok. Cold.

-Cold what?

-My word. Go ahead, impress me.

-Ok… give me a second.

 

He waited, watching her right in the eyes, again, and she finally smiled.

-As he wrapped her in his arm her mind shivered, for it is not her body that is cold but her soul. And the warmth that it seeks HE cannot give because he is not HIM!

-Wo… wow Lena. That was amazing.

-Thank you.

 

She still watched him in the eyes, drinking in the green of his pupil, wondering if he would realise that he was the him in her little poetry. What she truly saw, was that he was uncomfortable, so she changed the subject abruptly.

-You know, you never paid your debt for me winning against you at my birthday.

-You had a boyfriend, that wouldn’t have been fair, he said.

 

She smiled and took out her phone, she searched in her playlist and selected her favorite song, one of her favorite song, and smiled at him as said song began.

-I’m single now, so pay.

 

_Step inside, walk this way_

_You and me babe, Hey, hey!_

 

-You are serious? asked Jensen.

-Like a freakin heart attack.

-Alright! he said getting up.

 

He started circling his hips and dancing in front of her with a shy smile on his face. As he saw that she didn’t judge him, he gained confidence and started toying with the button of his shirt.

 

 

_Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on_

_Livin' like a lover with a radar phone_

_Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp_

_Demolition woman, can I be your man?_

_Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light_

_Television lover, baby, go all night_

_Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet_

_Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah_

 

_Hey!_

_C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up_

_Break the bubble, break it up_

 

_Pour some sugar on me_

_Ooh, in the name of love_

_Pour some sugar on me_

_C'mon, fire me up_

_Pour your sugar on me_

_Oh, I can't get enough_

 

He gave her his most charming smile and let his shirt slide of his back, leaving him chest naked in front of her. Surprisingly, it was the first time it happened, even though she had slept at his house more than once. She unconsciously licked her lips, and he couldn’t help but feel it right in is dick.

 

_I'm hot, sticky sweet_

_From my head to my feet, yeah_

_Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!_

_Crazy little woman in a one-man show_

_Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love_

_Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up_

 

Unbuttoning his jeans, he felt a new shyness in him. He wasn’t hard, but he wasn’t soft either and by taking off his jeans, he would show her that. And that was terrifying, because he wanted it so bad. As he was watching her watching him, all he could think about was her wonderful lips wrapped around his member… and _that_ thought didn’t help his problem at all. He finally took off his pants in a sweet circling motion of his hips and he saw in her beautiful hazel eyes that she knew exactly in which state he was. And that did it for him, there was no way he would be able to control himself now, so he went for it all. She wanted a freaking striptease, she would get one hell of a ride.

 

_You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little_

_Tease a little more_

 

With those words, he slide his hand on his side and almost grabbed his dick, but stop just before. Lena eyes were wild with lust and he felt a little guilty.

 

_Easy operator come a knockin' on my door_

_Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet_

_Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah_

_Give a little more_

 

He walked through to her and turned around shaking his ass in her face, testing her, teasing her. He was a little surprised when he felt her hand ghosting over his cheeks but he didn’t say anything.

 

_Take a bottle, shake it up_

_Break the bubble, break it up_

 

With one perfect motion, his ass still in her face, he made his underwear passed just under his ass and put them back. He turned around and dance for the rest of the song in front of her. There was no more shyness in him, just confidence. And lust, a lot and lot of lust. And Lena knew it, because that was pretty clear with the bulge in his boxer briefs.

 

_Pour some sugar on me_

_Ooh, in the name of love_

_Pour some sugar on me_

_C'mon fire me up_

_Pour your sugar on me_

_Oh, I can't get enough_

_I'm hot, sticky sweet_

_From my head to my feet yeah_

 

He hadn’t expected her to stand up and walk towards him with this wonderful sexy smile on her face. She put one hand on his chest and on the tip of her feet brought her mouth near his ear.

 

-If you don’t stop right now, I won’t be able to stop myself.

 

He looked at her, weighing the pros and cons and he stopped. He wanted this, he wanted her not to stop herself. But she was his best friend, more than that she was important for Justice and he could risk losing her over some stupid things like lust and desire.

 

She walked back to her chair and stopped the music, her eyes still blown with desire.

-That was one hell of a dance, she said.

-I may have got carried away.

-Ya think?

-Sorry, he offered.

-Don’t apologize. Just, I, uh… You are hot Jensen Ackles, way too hot.

-We should go to sleep.

-Right, let’s sleep in the same bed after that, she said.

-I’ll take the couch, it looks comfortable.

-No no, this is your room, I’ll take it, she said.

 

It was then that she realised that she hadn’t brought any pajamas, thinking that she would be alone in her room. Per chance, she was wearing leggings so it could do. She took off her bra and laid down on the couch. Jensen threw her a pillow and one of the comforters and also went to sleep.

 

Let’s just say they both took a really long time falling asleep that night, thinking more than once of just joining the other and doing what their body obviously wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh! I had to put a little ref to the Queen of Hell, I had too =p
> 
> The song Jensen is dancing on is Poor some sugar on me, from Del Leppard.
> 
> And FYI, the little poetry is from me ;)


	20. Stand by you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days :O Don't get use to it =p  
> It's short though, but it was more like a filler chapter for what's to come... and I'm pretty certain you will love the next one ;)

 

-Leia wake up, whispered Jensen gently shaking her shoulder.

-Why?

-Because it’s eight.

-So? she said hiding her face under the blanket.

-You’ll miss the last panel.

 

She suddenly remembered where she was.

-Oh right, she said sitting on the couch.

-D’you sleep well? he asked almost too innocently.

-Kinda have trouble staying in place, she said.

-Yeah me too, he admitted staring at her eyes. Now get up before I tickle you, he menaced.

-You wouldn’t dare, she warned him.

-Wouldn’t I? he said taking off her blanket and dangerously leaning on her.

-Jensen…. she said with wide eyes.

 

And he actually started tickling her. And she whined and screamed and squirmed under him like a pig about to be slaughtered. In her squirming, she made him fall and he ended up right on top of her, their faces only inches apart. Again, they looked at each other a little too long but they just smiled and Jensen finally got off her.

 

They ate some fruits and muffins together but didn’t talk a lot that morning. They went their separate ways when they left, both knowing that there were some things to discuss.

 

 

_***_

 

 

It was the last panel, as Jensen and Misha were answering question from the fans, Rob and Richard were setting up the stage to sing some songs, as usual. Eleanor was standing next to her friend Lorelei, somewhere in the middle of the crowd, mostly amused by her two friends on the scene, when someone, a girl around twenty, asked a simple, yet with a lot of meaning, question to Jensen.

-Hi there what’s your name? said the actor.

-Hi Jensen, my name is Elizabeth. My question is for you.

-Go ahead, he said with his most charming smile.

-Well, first of all, I would like to say thank you to you. Because despite everything, you’ve made yourself present for the fans and we appreciate it, she said earning a round of cheers and applaud.

-Thank you, said Jensen touched.

-My question is simple, I just wanted to know… How are you Jensen?

-I’m… I’m. I’m good, and you know what? For the first time since the accident, I’m not lying. It’s been rough, you all know that and by the way I want you to know that I’ve read every message, and they do means a great lot to me so thank you. It’s been crazy, but when you have all the right persons around you, he paused searching someone in the crowd. It become easier. I had my family, my wonderful little girl, my friends, and you, but right when I needed it the most, someone came to my life. I don’t know, maybe it was God…

-I didn’t do anything, interrupted Rob making the crowd laugh.

-Maybe it was fate, I don’t know. But I’ve met this person and, everything was easier. Life was. She was like a balm… and stop looking at me with those eyes, I know I said _she_ , but that is not what this is about. I’m talking about a friend here guys…

-We are not judging, said the girl that had ask the question. Even though we have a little tendency to kinda hate everyone you guys are dating, we actually are happy for you.

-I’ll keep that in mind, said Jensen smiling. But I’m really talking about a friend. She was there in way no one else was, no one else could. Because she didn’t know the Jensen with Danneel, she just knew me. She is here, and I’d like you guys to meet her, to meet this wonderful person that helped me and my little princess so much… Come up here Chipette, he said smiling.

 

Eleanor was petrified. Of course she could have just chosen to stay where she was, nobody knew her but that wasn’t fair, so she walked through the stage and accepted the hand he was handing her and lifted herself up. She offered them a shy smiled and the crowd applauded her. She poked Jensen’s side with her own in a childish manner, and he reciprocated making everyone laughed.

-Do you remember that song we were talking about last week? he suddenly asked her.

 

She looked at him with wide eyes. She hadn’t expected to have to talk, but she accepted Misha’s microphone and answered, still looking at him not the people.

-We’ve talked about a lot of song, she said.

-You know the one I’m talking about, he said smiling.

 

Yes! She knew, but she didn’t like where he was going. He bent over a little and whispered something in Richard’s ear then get back at her with a wide smile on his face.

-I have to tell you guys, my friend here, she has a great voice.

-Jensen stop it, she said covering the mic so he was the only one to hear.

-You love that song, and it represent us well, he said ignoring her.

-I’m not singing in a freakin’ convention, she said.

-So here’s for you guys, because you deserve that one too. Here’s a song about wonderful friendship.

-Jensen I am no… then she stopped her word because the melody started and she couldn’t help herself…

 

_Hands, put your empty hands in mine_

_And scars, show me all the scars you hide_

_And hey, if your wings are broken_

_Please take mine so yours can open, too_

_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

 

They had talked about that song a lot. Because it was a wonderful song, but really because it was kind of the perfect way to describe their friendship. Singing it, she remembered all their good moment and she smiled. She was sitting in a little stool just beside him and she just went with it, looking at him right in the eyes as he joined her for the next part of the song.

 

_Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes_

_And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I_

_And, love, if your wings are broken_

_Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too_

_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you_

_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you_

_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed_

_And the heart—sometimes it's unclear why it's beating_

_And, love, if your wings are broken_

_We can brave through those emotions, too_

_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Oh, truth—I guess truth is what you believe in_

_And faith—I think faith is having a reason_

_And I know now, love, if your wings are broken_

_Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too_

_'Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

 

As he was singing with her, his heart was filled with something he wasn’t quite sure was really friendship. He knew he loved her, but looking in her eyes and she sang that song to him, there was a lot of thoughts in his mind. He smiled and kept singing and without even realising it, he leaned a little bit and put his hand on hers, resting on her thigh.

 

_Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you_

_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you_

_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_I'll be your eyes 'til yours can shine_

_And I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite_

_And when you can't rise, well, I'll crawl with you on hands and knees_

_'Cause I... I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through (come on)_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you_

_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you_

_Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you_

_Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you_

_Love, you're not alone_

_Oh, I'm gonna stand by you_

_(even if we can't find heaven, heaven, heaven)_

_Yeah, I'm gonna stand by you_

 

Not once in all the duration of the song, did they broke eye contact. It was kind of magical. They were alone in the word, singing to the other one words that, even though they weren’t theirs, represent their feelings with more accuracy than they were ready to admit.

 

The crowd started to cheered and applauded with fierce and that brought them back, but not entirely. They were still in their little bubble, both fully aware that this would have to be explain. _Later_ , they both think as they accepted the fans compliment.

 

 

***

 

 

After that, Lena went back to the hotel slowly packing her things. Her flight was for the next morning and she wanted to be ready. Jensen came back two hours later and they both laughed when he told her how many times he had to tell everyone that they were, indeed, just friends.

 

They shared a pizza in the quiet of their room and when they both got up to throw away the plates and bumped into each other, leaving them yet again staring at each others eyes, they laughed. It was Lena that broke the silence first, wiping a little tear off her eye.

-I think it’s time for us to admit that, we are a little bit more than just friends, she said gently caressing his bicep.

-Admitting that would lead to so many other admission, and I’m not ready for that, he said however staying right there not even showing signs that he wanted to move.

-I know, she said taking a step back.

 

They both decided that it was time for bed but then again, Lena realised that she didn’t have any pajama and she sure couldn’t put her leggings back.

-Do you terribly mind if I sleep in just a t-shirt and my underwear? she asked.

-Why would I?

-Because I’m not sleeping on that couch again, and I’m not letting you. Believe me, it’s just looks comfortable. It isn’t.

-I think we are both mature enough to sleep in the same bed without any… incident.

-Yeah you are right… ok… I’ll… I’ll go change.

-Yeah you do that, I’ll be right there.

 

When she came back from the bathroom, her teeth freshly brushed and her face washed, Jensen was already in bed the comforter up to his neck. She took off her jeans and her bra and slipped under the covers, making sure to stay closer to the side. They both stayed like this, fixing the ceiling like it was about to catch on fire.

-This is awkward, finally said Jensen.

-Very, and we are not gonna be able to sleep if you are stiff like this.

-Let’s just… I don’t know… be ourselves.

-Yeah ok. Right. Good night Jay.

-Good Night Chipette.

 

She turned on her belly, one hand under the pillow and she felt him getting closer. She thought he was just getting in the middle but she felt an arm around her waist driving her towards him.

-What are you doing? she asked almost whispering.

-You are to close to the edge, it creates a weird curve in the mattress.

-I’m not that heavy, she said.

-I know, he said and even though she couldn’t see him, she knew he was smiling.

 

She thought he would just leave her there, but he kept his arm around her waist and she felt his face near her head. She hated to admit it but it felt damn too good to be surrounded by his warmth like this.

-Jensen?

-What?

-What are you doing?

-I’m cuddling you.

-Why?

-Because I want to, because you are in my bed and because this is the most comfortable way to sleep.

-Ok, she said smiling and closing her eyes.

-Ok, he said taking her a little closer to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song : Stand by you, Rachel Platten  
> Wonderful song, I just love it. It can be about love as much as friendship... :)


	21. Don’t think, just feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the chapter you HAVEN'T been waiting for =p
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy, and please don't hate me ;)
> 
> I have 3 other chapters already written, and I'm planning on writing at least 3 others after that, for THIS part. Just so you know.
> 
> Alright, I'll leave you to it, enjoy my lovelies =D

It was almost an hour after they went to bed that everything changed. Lena wasn’t able to sleep, and she was pretty sure Jensen was still awake too. She was about to get up and go sleep on the uncomfortable couch, but as she moved she somehow put a little pressure on Jensen’s crotch and he kind of moaned. She stopped moving and felt his hard-on pressing near her ass cheeks and she couldn’t help but smile.

-Eleanor I’m so sorry, started Jensen trying to remove his hand from where it still was but she stopped him, putting hers on top of his.

-Don’t apologize for that, she said almost in a whisper.

-Ok, he answered whispering too.

-You know, she started not even sure if she should go where she was about to. If I was a man, I’d be in the same state.

-That is kind of reassuring, he said a little louder that time.

 

For a second there, she debated with herself. In her head, there was a lot of things going on. She felt hot and so full of desire for him, she was under the impression that her entire body was about to explode. She wanted to just turn over and kiss the living fuck out of him, climb on him and ride him like she had never done before. On the other hand, she knew that if she did that, their friendship would be lost forever. They could always pretend, always act, but having sex together would mean a change, and she couldn’t be a hundred percent sure it would be a good change. But there was also this incredible tension, sexual tension, between them that, at some point, they’d need to resolve. It was just a second, but for her it was more like an eternity of thinking.

 

As she felt him shifting a little bit, brushing his erection near her ass again, her body took over and made the decision for her. They were still cuddling, Lena being the little spoon in their arrangement and it was the perfect position to release that tension without too much of a romantic connection. She squeezed his hand a little bit and then started to guide it down on her stomach. She felt him tense a little bit, but he didn’t resist. When she could feel the tip of his fingers on the waistband of her underwear, she stopped.

-But as you may know, she said. Us lady, have another way of showing arousal.

-Lena… he said in a quiet whine.

-When we are excited, she continued not letting him talk. We lubricate, and with that she brought his hand right in her warmth.

 

She didn’t move further, she just wanted to show him that he didn’t need to apologize for having a boner. Well no, she wanted a whole lot more than just that but she still wasn’t entirely sure she should act on it. She wanted to, and she decided to shut off her brain for a moment. _We need this_ , she decided making the decision to strip down of her underwear.

-Lena, started Jensen, his hand still resting on her most intimate place. I don’t think it’s a goo..

-Shh, she said. Don’t think, just feel.

 

 

_***_

 

 

As soon as he did it, Jensen regretted cuddling Lena. This wasn’t a good idea at all. One hour later, he still wasn’t able to sleep and was sporting a hard on, on top of that. He was about to get out of bed and take a cold, an ice cold, shower when Eleanor decided to move, brushing his dick on the way and he couldn’t help the little moan that escaped his mouth. Even this small pressure helped release a tiny bit of ache. He was so embarrassed but then she told him not to apologize.

 

He was able to feel her tense stance, not moving anymore and he didn’t know what to do. Clearly they were engaging some dangerous path. As if she was reading his mind, Lena took his hand and leaded him down, stopping when he felt her underwear. For a second he thought about ripping them off, but he somehow managed to control himself. He almost lost it when she spoke again, trying a pathetic warning but not quite stopping her though. When she stripped down of her tiny piece of clothes he made an ultimate effort and tried to stop both of them from doing something that would change their friendship forever.

 

-Lena, started Jensen, his hand still resting on her most intimate place. I don’t think it’s a goo..

-Shh, she said. Don’t think, just feel.

 

And then, he lost it. All his good will, all his resolution flew away with his brain, leaving his body completely in charge. He stripped down of his boxer brief and without removing his hand out of her warmth he lifted her leg a little bit and nudged at her entrance. He gave her one little escape, if she didn’t want that, this was her chance but instead of getting away, she just pushed back and in one smooth slide he was all inside her.

 

It was way too good, he wasn’t sure he would last very long. It was his first time having sex with someone in almost a year and it wasn’t just any someone. He felt her clenching around his dick, as she was trying to force him to move but he maintained her in place with a firm hold. He needed to compose himself a little bit before moving. He knew he was a little hard in his grip, probably leaving a bruise there but she didn’t seem to care and he couldn’t bring himself too.

 

 

_***_

 

 

When she finally felt him pushing his way inside, she released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. But then, he didn’t move so she tried to give him encouragement but he stopped her with a firm grip. She knew it would be leaving a bruise, but she didn’t care. All she wanted was for him to move. And when he finally did, it felt like heaven. Needless to say he was very well endowed and had she been in any other circumstances she would have probably whined out loud but somehow it didn’t feel right to do so. She had the impression that they needed to stay quiet, not that she feared to be heard but more because she feared to hear herself. This was so unreal, so unexpected yet predictable at the same time. This was meant to be, they were like two pieces of a puzzle finally being put together and she knew, right at that moment, that he had just ruined her for anybody else.

 

As he slowly pounded into her, not quite giving her the roughness she’d like, she found herself holding more and more moans. She wanted more, she wanted him to slap in her but again that would make a lot of noise and they couldn’t have that, not now anyway. As he hit her favorite spot, she bit the inside of here lower lips, drawing blood in her mouth. She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. It was like, deep down she knew that she couldn’t acknowledge what was happening. She squeezed his hand a little bit, that was the only thing she allowed herself to do and he squeezed back, accelerating his pace a little bit.

 

 

_***_

 

 

The second she squeezed his hand, Jensen knew he wouldn’t last much longer. She was clenching more and more around him and he could feel himself over the edge every time. He wanted to tell her, in fact he had thought about a lot of things he wanted to tell her. How beautiful she was, how incredibly thight and hot she felt. How amazing it was. But in that position, in this atmosphere he couldn’t. There was some sort of silence rule hanging over them and he couldn’t break it. He wanted to turn her over, in that moment he wished he would have been able to look her in the eyes, but he couldn’t.

 

When he squeezed her hand back, a realisation came to him and it hit him like a slap in the face. He couldn’t pretend anymore, he didn’t just love her deeply, he was _in_ love with her. He accelerated his pace a little bit, knowing very well in her now tense body that she was close too. They orgasmed at the same time, or at least this was what it feels like from his point of view and he held her even more tighter than before.

 

 

_***_

 

 

They stayed like this a moment, Jensen slowly sliding out of Eleanor but not making any move to accelerate the process. The silence rule still seemed to apply because neither of them talked. Eleanor fell asleep, not bothering to wash or move. There was a little sated smile on her face, but nobody could see it.

 

Jensen didn’t move until he was certain she was deeply asleep but he finally got up. As he looked at her, he felt his heart aching in a curious way. Standing at the end of the bed, he looked at her and the ache just grew a little more. He was in love with her, he couldn’t deny it anymore. Deep down, he knew he had been for a while but, seeing her like this, _having_ her like this, it made him expose his feelings, to himself at least. He went to the bathroom and washed himself, the parts that needed to be washed anyway, and then he came back near her. He looked at her, mimicking her peaceful smile for a second, but then the ache came back. Except this time, he knew why his heart ached so much. It was guilt. He leaned a little bit and kissed her forehead before slowly gathering his things. As quietly as possible, he got out of the room with one last look in her direction.

 

 

He slowly walked on the hotel’s hallway and stopped when he reached Jared’s room. He knocked and waited, hoping his best pal would come and open the door because otherwise he didn’t know where he would go. Exactly thirty-seven seconds later, _yeah he counted so what_? Jared opened the door with a surprised look on his face.

-Dude, it’s one in the morning, what the hell are you doing here?

-I, uh… I… I need a place to sleep.

-That’s what your room is for, said Jared moving himself to let Jensen in.

-I can’t.

-Dude what happened?

-Eleanor happened that’s what.

-Huh?

-Can we just sleep.

-Of course of course, said Jared knowing that his friend wouldn’t talk until he was ready.

 

 

Jensen laid down on the couch and closed his eyes hoping that sleep would reach him. But it didn’t. There was too much on his mind. He couldn’t do that. It was too soon. Wasn’t it? His heart started to beat a little faster and he couldn’t stop the tears falling from his eyes. He fell asleep crying, and slept a dreamless sleep.


	22. The morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Throws the chapter and hides in a deep deep hole*

When she woke up, Lena knew something wasn’t right. She felt cold, her body as much as her heart and she realised when she turned over that she was alone in the room. He was gone and she couldn’t even hope he was just fetching coffee because all of his things were gone too. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling out of her eyes, nor could she stop her heart shattering into pieces.

 

After a good hour of crying and sobbing, she finally found the strength to get up and dressed. Her flight was about two hours later so she would have time to shower and eat, but she wasn’t hungry. All she wanted to do was curl on herself on her bed and cry. She had foolishly thought that they could have that, and now she was paying the price. He had left. Once again, she wasn’t enough. She cried all the way to the airport and a little more on the plane. At some point someone asked her if she was okay, but she didn’t answer. She didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t want to talk either.

 

When she arrived home, she fell in her bed and cried again. Having a one-night stand, she could do, having her best friend leaving her after what probably was the best sex of her entire life, that, she couldn’t take. It broke her in ways she hadn’t imagined would be possible. It wasn’t just some dude, it was Jensen. It was the only person in the world that truly knew her. The only person she couldn’t stand to lose, and with one tiny mistake she had lost him.

 

 

***

 

 

-Of course Justice can stay with me, said Gen over the phone.

-Thank you, I need to go home, I’ll be back by Wednesday I swear, he said with a shaking voice.

-Are you ok Jay?

-Nop, can I talk to J.J please?

-Of course.

 

-Hi daddy, I miss you, said the little girl.

-I miss you too sweetheart, but daddy won’t make it home today. You will stay with Gen and Jared for two more days ok.

-Why?

-Be… Because I need to go somewhere before I come back home ok.

-Why are you sad daddy?

-I’ll tell you when I’m back ok. Now be a good girl.

-Will I see Lena tonight? It’s the first day of the week.

-I’m not sure, I don’t know. Ask Gen to call her ok.

-Ok, bye daddy.

-Bye my love.

 

He hung up the phone and wiped his tears, avoiding Jared’s worried look. He was still in his friend’s room, debating whether or not he should call Eleanor, but he finally decided not to. She would probably never talk to him again, but he needed to do what he was about to.

-Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? asked Jared.

-I’m sure man, you go home and you take care of Lena ok?

-Yeah. I will I promise.

 

They parted ways at the airport, Jared heading to Vancouver and Jensen to Austin, Texas. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was seeking, but he needed to go. There were so many emotions fighting in him, he needed to at least put some at ease.

 

 

***

 

 

Lena woke up by the sound of her phone, ringing next to her. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but after crying for hours she kind of needed it. Her heart ached a little more when she saw that it wasn’t Jensen, she had kinda expected him to call and explain to her that something epic had come up and that was the reason why he wasn’t there that morning.

-Hi Gen, she said answering.

-Lena, politely asked Justice.

-Hey Banana, how are you?

-I’m good, are we still spending the night together? Daddy isn’t home, but I miss you.

-Of course love, of course, she said even though she really didn’t feel like spending the night with the perfect reminder of what she may have lost in her foolishness. Does your daddy want to?

-Of course. It’s the first day of the week.

-Alright, can you give the phone to Gen please.

 

-What is happening between you two? asked Gen.

-I don’t want to talk about this. Did Jensen really tell you that it was ok for me to spend the night with Justice?

-Yes. But you don’t sound too good? Are you ok Lena?

-No I am not, and I’d rather spend the night alone in my bed crying myself to sleep.

-I can tell Justice you can’t, it’s not a problem.

-NO! she almost yelled. I’ve made a promise to her, and I’m keeping it. Beside, maybe it’ll do me good to see her.

-Alright, but just know that I’m here if you want to talk.

-I know Gen, but right now I’d rather not talk about it. I just… she stopped, sobbing a little more. For once I thought I was enough.

-Oh honey….

-Don’t Gen, I know what you are going to say and I don’t want to hear it ok. I’m gonna hang up now, probably cry a little more. Then I’ll pick Justice at the daycare. You can come and pick her up at my loft at 8’.

-Ok fine.

 

She threw her phone on the bed beside her and then stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t help but feel like this was all her fault. She was the one that pushed him, he tried to stop her, but even a gentleman can resist so much. Still, she had thought they could have this. Now she was back in her old self, feeling like once again she wasn’t enough. She cried a little more, then decided to take a shower.

 

When she came back, the towel wrapped around herself and her long hair still dripping, she noticed one missed text on her phone.

 

Text from: Jensen

1:46// - Thank you for picking up Justice today.

 

She nervously sighed and frowned her eyes. _Was he nuts?_

-Yeah well, this isn’t her fault if you are an asshole, she said alone in her room.

 

Text from: You

2:01// - I have this weird habit of keeping my promises.

 

She waited for him to answer back but he didn’t. She let her tears stain her cheeks a little more before she dressed herself. She chose her favorite legging and her biggest hoodie, then brought her hair in a messy bun. She was on her way to her car when her phone buzzed again.

 

Text from: Jensen

2:45// - I’m sorry!

 

Text from: You

2:45// - For what??? Having sex with me or leaving like a coward?

 

Text from: Jensen

2:46// - Both…

 

Text from: You

2:46// - Sorry ain’t gonna cut it.

 

Then she turned off her phone, not wanting to give him the chance to apologize more. She didn’t want him to do it over the phone, or ever for that matter. He made her feel the one thing she thought he would never, like she wasn’t enough. The worst part of all of this was that her first instinct would be to run to him, burry herself in his arm and cry a little more, because he was what she needed the most, yet he was the one that made her feel like this.

 

 

***

 

 

Jensen was sitting on the porch of his house, the one in Austin, his cell phone in his hands reading and re-reading Eleanor’s last text. Right now, right there, at that very moment, he wondered why he didn’t just stay with her. What if she thought he regretted it? What if she thought he was ashamed? In the last year, she had become his everything, well including Justice but that wasn’t the same kind of everything. Not a day had passed, since he met her, which they hadn’t talked. He didn’t really believe in soulmates before he knew her, now though… yeah now he believed. He stood up, and started walking. After all, he was in Austin for a reason, might as well do it.

 

The walk through the cemetery was a long one, but he didn’t mind. The smell of his hometown was comforting. He stopped at the first flower shop that crossed his way, found his way in the maze of stone and then smiled sadly.

-Hi Dee! he said deposing the flowers in the little pot on the right side of the stone.

 

He stood still a moment, then sat criss cross with his back resting on the stone and started fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt.

-I miss you so much, he said almost in a whisper.

 

Then, looking around just to be sure he was alone, he let the tears fall, and with them all the emotions that were raging inside him since last night.

-I’m so sorry Dee, he said. I promised I’d love you forever, and… In a way I will, but…

 

He stopped, he couldn’t even bring himself to say it. There wasn’t a word strong enough to describe how guilty he felt. He had let her down, that was it. He was supposed to love her forever, and yet not even a year after her death he was in love. He was supposed to grieve her longer than that, wasn’t he?

-I failed you my beautiful wife, and I’m so so sorry. I can’t even tell you how much.

 

Saying that he shivered a little bit, it was a little colder suddenly.

-I’m sorry I’m taking Justice away from you… I’m… You weren’t supposed to die Dee. Why didn’t you hold a little more? I… I…

 

And he cried a little more, not caring anymore that someone might be able to see him.

-You were the love of my life, he said with fondness in his voice.

 

Then, he felt something. It was like someone was lacing their fingers with his. He didn’t know if it was his mind playing tricks on him, but it felt good. Somehow, against everything he believed in, he knew it was her. This had always been her way of comforting him. When he was upset or sad, she would sit beside him and take his hand, waiting for him to talk.

-It’s ok to move on, whispered the wind at his side.

-I don’t want to lose you, he said squeezing the imaginary hand.

-I’ll always be here, but you have to live your life. Till death do us part, remember?

 

It wasn’t the wind anymore; this was her voice he was sure of it. He smiled, not caring that he was probably talking to himself, because ghosts aren’t real right. Right?

-Do you remember, he said, when we talked about soulmates?

-It was the day I accepted that you might not always be mine, she said with a calm voice.

-I love you Danneel, he said still crying.

-I know, but it’s ok to move on my love.

-I’m scared. What if I lose her too.

-She is this other half your soul’s been waiting for, you can never lose her.

-Thank you, he said now stroking the top of her hand with his thumb.

 

He stayed like this a moment, until the shape disappeared in the wind and with it the remaining fragment of his guilt. He knew it wasn’t real, she couldn’t have been there, but this was still what she would have said, because this was how amazing she was. He stood up, kissed his fingers and touched the stone before leaving. He had to be in the first flight available. He needed to talk to Lena.

 

 

***

 

 

-Why are you so sad Lena, asked Justice.

-I’m not… started Lena but stopped. She didn’t want to lie to the little girl. I would prefer not to think about it. I am indeed a little sad, but being with you helps a lot.

 

And despite what she had thought, being with Justice really did help her. The little girl was so full of life, that it made her smile. It was almost eight, and she found herself sad again.

 

-Daddy was sad too when I talked to him today, she said.

-I’m sure he’s ok love, you’ll see him soon.

-I know, but I don’t like it when you are sad.

-I can’t promise you I won’t be sad anymore, but I promise you I’ll be fine.

-Ok.

 

When Gen picked her up, Lena found herself crying again. What if Jensen didn’t want her to see Justice anymore? Losing him was hard enough, she didn’t think she would survive losing the little girl. She stayed on her couch for a couple of hours, unable to move when she heard some knocks on her door. She didn’t move, she didn’t know who it was but she didn’t feel like answering. The knocks came louder, but she continued to ignore it.

 

It stopped but her phone started buzzing instead.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:39// - Lena I know you are home, please open the door.

 

She didn’t answer.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:39// - I know that I owe you more than just a little sorry text, please answer.

 

She didn’t move.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:39// - I’m not leaving until you at least answer back my text.

 

She sighed.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:39// - Eleanor we need to talk.

 

She left the couch and walked through to the door. She put her hands on it and rest her forehead near it. She couldn’t talk to him. Not now. She felt broken, like she had never felt before and even though he was there to apologize, she couldn’t. She needed to put herself together before she heard him.

 

-Please go away, she said in a whisper before letting herself fall on the floor, crying once again.

-No, he answered on the other side of the door.

 

She heard a noise and she knew that he was sitting on the floor, waiting for her to open the door.

 

Still sitting on the floor, facing the door she reached the lock and opened it. When she saw him, her heart ached a little more. He looked so vulnerable like this, sitting on the floor in front of her, his eyes redden by tears. Still, he was beautiful, even more so now that he was letting her see that part of him.

-Go home Jensen, she said quietly.

-No! Not until you hear what I have to say.

-I… I don’t want to hear it.

-I’m so sorry Lena, I shouldn’t have left.

-Do you wanna know the worst? Even right now, you are the only person that could comfort me, yet you are the one that put me there in the first place.

-I’m…

 

She raised her hand in the air, stopping him.

-Save it. I’m going to sleep ok. Go home.

-Eleanor please…

-Go home, she said closing the door.

 

She didn’t make it to her bed that night. She fell asleep near the door, crying. Whisky came by her side and purred even more louder than before. She felt that her mistress was in distress and this was the only thing she could do to try and sooth her. Lena put her hand on her little back, appreciating the contact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now about the ghost part, I chose not to elaborate. some people believe some don't. It's up to you to decide if there really was a ghost or if it was just Jensen's mind. 
> 
> Now I hope you don't hate me too much, let me know ;)


	23. Tequila for the wounded soul!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is... The fallout!  
> Please don't hate me o.o

When she woke up on Tuesday, her back hurt like hell and she immediately felt like crying. She got up, cried some more and kicked a table on the way because the table tried to trip her and it was a stupid table anyway. She stood there a moment, and finally decided against her mind; she opened the liquor cabinet and took out the Tequila.

-Better to be drunk at 9 in the morning than sad, she said out loud taking her first sip.

 

She sat on the couch, the bottle carefully secured in her right hand and sighed. Something, a little voice that seemed far far away in her mind, told her that she was overreacting, that Jensen had come to her for a reason and that she should listen to him. But there was also a voice that was telling her how worthless she was, how stupid she had been for thinking, even just for a minute, that he could have felt the same thing she did. He was famous for god sake. Probably on some list saying it was one of the tenth sexiest man alive, and fuck if he was. How could a simple guy be that good looking? She took a long sip out of the bottle, trying to forget the incredible green of his eyes. Trying to forget the fond look he would give her, to forget all the time she thought she saw a tiny bit of love in those. _How stupid_ , she thought. And those lips, oh how many times she had wanted to kiss them but couldn’t. If only she had seized the occasion that other night when they slept together. And how fucked up was that, that they had sex and didn’t even kiss. She touched her heart, trying the will the pain away, but she knew better than to hope for a miracle so she drank a little more, at least this would make her feel better… _for a while_.

 

When she felt too tired to even hold the bottle, she closed her eyes. Unfortunately for her, her mind wasn’t as tired as she thought and she dreamt of him. She could still feel his hand on her, hesitant at first but then so strong and willing. In her dream though, he turned her around and kissed her, telling her how much he wanted that.

 

And this is how she spent her Tuesday, altering between treacherous dreams, long sips of tequila and self-pity.

 

 

Wednesday wasn’t much brighter, she woke up at 8’, went to the liquor store at 9’30 and started the bottle at 11’. By 1’ she was drunk and crying, again. One of her patients called, asking weird question about cramps and coffee and labor starting sooner, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She gently told her to call a colleague and hung up. She knew she was being rude, but she was having an emotional crisis so fuck all the young uncertain women that thought they knew everything about being pregnant.

-NO GIRL YOU CAN’T GO IN LABOR BECAUSE YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFEE, IDIOT, she yelled alone in her living room.

 

Having her phone in her hand, she noticed she had some missed texts, all by Jensen. At first she wanted to erase them, but she decided against it, maybe it was Justice, and god knows this little girl was the only thing that mattered right now.

 

Text from: Jensen

11:46// - Lena I get it you are mad but please, we need to talk.

 

This one was sent on Tuesday.

 

Text from: Jensen

12:57// - Is there anything I can do to get you to talk to me???

 

Tuesday, well no technically it was Wednesday.

 

Text from: Jensen

10:35// - Fine Eleanor, FINE! I’m too old for that shit. I want to talk to you, I want to explain myself but clearly our friendship doesn’t mean as much to you that it means to me so when you are ready to talk, I’ll be there… Until then I won’t bother you again.

 

Reading the last one she felt some rage growing inside of her, how dare he question the importance of their friendship? She threw her phone and didn’t even flinch when she heard it break. She didn’t need a phone anyway; it was just distraction. She needed to numb to pain away, so she took her bottle back and drank everything. She lost consciousness after that. Screw consciousness, screw everything.

 

 

Thursday wasn’t really much better, she didn’t leave her loft, nor her bedroom for that matter, but at least she didn’t drink tequila. She cried, more than the other days, she almost called Jensen but then remembered that her phone was broken.

-Why can’t I be enough for at least one person, she said out loud. Is that too much to ask? she said now looking at the ceiling as if it would talk back to her.

 

She was in pain, and for the first time since she had moved to Vancouver, she missed her mom. Yeah fine the woman didn’t get her most of the time, but a broken heart was a broken heart and a mom hug was a mom hug. And that brought her to another thought, because the one hug she desperately needed right now wasn’t her mom’s, it was Jensen’s.

-I’m telling you Whisky, the author of my life is a bitch.

 

Of course the little cat didn’t understand what she was saying, but she purred a little louder.

-Yeah you hear that, she started again facing the ceiling. Whoever you are, you are a sadistic bitch. I bet you take pleasure like this huh? Giving me the perfect life, giving me everything I didn’t even know I wanted and then you take it all back? What’s your deal anyway, why are you making my life so miserable?

 

She kicked her bed a little bit, trying to let the rage out but it didn’t work.

-Why would you make me fall in love with him, of all people? Why would you do that?

 

She yelled at the « author of her life » like that a little more, and then she fell asleep sitting on the floor sobbing like a little girl. And she felt like a little girl. Somehow, it all clicked at that very moment, it wasn’t just about Jensen anymore. Yeah he started it, but it just opened some old wounds. Because one more time, she wasn’t enough.

 

 

When she woke up on Friday, she decided that she needed some air. She did some cleaning, her house was a total mess, and then took a shower, her first in four days. She put on some make up and dressed herself a little more than usual. She had already told Alyson she wouldn’t work that night, but she decided that the pub was exactly what she needed so she went anyway.

-What are you doing here? asked the owner when she saw her at the bar.

-Thought I might come after all, I won’t work I know you have someone else on the schedule for me but… At least I’ll sing my song, she said a little dizzily.

-Have you been drinking?

-Just a tiny bit, said the doctor.

-Seriously Eleanor, what are you doing here?

-I needed a change of air ok, I’m good here. I won’t disturb you, just let me drink in peace and I’ll be gone before you know it.

-Fine, but give me your keys.

 

She gave them, not even bothering to explain her friend that she didn’t take her car and went back to her drink. She thought it was a good idea, but everything in the pub reminded her of him.

 

She really didn’t want to cause trouble for Alyson, but little did she know she found herself in some kind of a fight with a clumsy girl. Someone put her away before she hit her, but the damage was done. It was almost time for her song, but Alyson grabbed her by the arm and leaded her to the kitchen.

-What is wrong with you, she shouted.

-No.. Nothing’s wrong with me, she said.

-You’ve been drinking here for four hours straight, you look like you’ve been hit by a train and you started a fight, now excuse me if I’m worried for my friend Lena but for god sake’s tell me what’s wrong.

-Pft, we aren’t friend Alyson, I’m your employee.

-No, you are my friend and believe it or not, I do care for you.

 

Eleanor looked conflicted for a second, as if her heart was debating with her mind but in the end neither of them won, the tequila did.

-Can I go sing my song now?

-No Eleanor, you can’t.

-Are you ready to lose half your patrons, she asked with rage in her eyes.

-I won’t lose them, seriously Lena.

-Aww COME ON, we both know I’m the best waitress you’ve got, and you told me yourself your profit increased since I started the singing thing.

-Phewww, fine. Drunk Eleanor is a bitch.

-Well at least THAT I am enough right?

-What are you talking about?

-Nothing, now let me go sing my song or I’ll never come back.

-Leave then, said Alyson with tears in her eyes.

-As you wish.

 

When she opened the door to leave, she saw Chris in the dining room and almost puked. He was the last person on Earth she wanted to see, she stepped back, but not before he saw her. Not bothering much about him, or even the fact that he might look after her, she left by the back door not even looking at Alyson who was still standing in the middle of the kitchen, softly crying. When the fresh air hit her, she felt a little better.

-So now I’m gonna lose my safe haven too, she said looking at the stars. Are you happy bitch? You know what If I was an author, I’d never do that to my character. I’d just make them happy right away. Fucking bitch, I hope you are unhappy, I hope your life is as miserable as mine.

 

She started crying again and was about to start walking home when she saw a shadow coming through her.

-Are you talking to yourself baby? she heard.

-Chris?

-I saw you, did you think I didn’t know about the back door? Come on.

-I’m not in the mood to talk to you, let me pass.

-Yeah, that’s not gonna happen, he said pushing her against the brick wall.

-Chris, please let me pass.

-I’ve been thinking, and I can’t live without you, I want you Eleanor, he said rubbing against her like an animal.

 

Fear started to grow inside her, she knew where he was going and she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop him. He must have seen the realisation hit her eyes, because before she could even think about screaming, a hand came to her face.

-You are going to shut up! I’ve realised that I wasn’t man enough to claim you and I’m gonna do just that, right here right now.

 

She whined against his hand, but there wasn’t enough sound, her eyes went even wider and tears started falling out of them. She was going to be rapped, in a freaking alley, of all places.

-Deep down, you know you like it.

 

He was about to rip her shirt off when the back door open, Alyson running through them with a giant pan in her hand.

-Let her go now, or I swear I’m gonna smash your head until there is nothing left.

-You wanna have a ride too little girl, he said laughing.

 

His laugh was cut short when he heard the sirens coming,

-Oh and I called the cops, so don’t bother running you idiot.

 

After that, everything was kind of a blur. Alyson holding Eleanor in her arms telling her that she had a camera pointing in every possible direction in the alley because of situations like this. The cops asking questions she wasn’t sure she knew how to answer.

-You need to go home, whispered Alyson still holding her.

-Yeah, she said with a voice so quiet that Alyson almost didn’t hear her.

-I’m gonna tell the guys I’m leaving, I’m gonna drive you ok?

-No, I… No!

 

She stood up and started walking, she didn’t want Alyson’s pity. She didn’t want anything right now. Well, anything except being in her home.

-Eleanor, I’m not letting you go alone.

-I can’t… I…

-Let me at least call a taxi ok?

-Ye… yeah ok.

-I’m gonna do that, you’ll go home take a shower and go to bed, when you wake up I’ll be there ok.

-Aly you don’t…

-Shh, I’ve told you Eleanor, you are my friend and friends take care of each other.

 

 

She sat in the back seat of the taxi, fixing absolutely nothing ahead and waited.

-Where to? asked the driver.

-Home, she said.

-And where is your home?

 

She gave the address without that much of a thought and almost went back inside when she saw where she was. She would have, but looking back the taxi was already gone. She walked to the door and knocked, not even sure if she was supposed to be there. She waited a good minute before the door finally opened, showing a very surprised Jensen.

-Lena, what are you doing here? he asked.

 

She wanted to tell him, wanted to tell him about her tequila week, she wanted to tell him about the bitch author that had written her life. She wanted to yell at him about that last text he sent her, she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to tell that not even an hour ago she had almost been rapped but the only thing that came out of her mouth was a very loud sob before she collapsed at his feet. He caught her just in time and took her inside, closing the door behind him. They sat on the floor together, and she was holding him like her life was depending on it, hell maybe it was. She cried and sobbed and he rocked her gently.

-What happened Eleanor? he asked softly.

-I don’t… I can’t…

-It’s ok love, I’ve got you, he said.

-I’m still mad at you, she said between tears.

-Yeah? What are you doing here then?

-I needed to be home, she said without thinking.

-And why aren’t you at your loft?

-Because your arms feel more like a home to me than any house has ever did.

 

He smiled and stood up, taking her in his arms.

-What are you doing?

-We are going to bed, I don’t want Justice finding us on the floor in the morning.

 

Realising that going to bed meant being alone in the guest room, she held him a little tighter and, almost in a whisper, said,

-I don’t want to be alone!

-You won’t be, he said kissing the top of her head.

 

They laid together for a moment and he rocked her a little more trying to find the right way to sooth her, whatever was causing her to be so vulnerable, so fragile.

-Would you sing to me? she suddenly asked.

-Of course.

 

He started by a little humming, but when he felt her getting heavier, sign that she was falling asleep he added some more lyrics.

_«- My precious one, my tiny one_

_Lay down your pretty head_

_My dearest one, my sleepy one_

_It's time to go to bed_

_My precious one, my darling one_

_Don't let your lashes weep_

_My cherished one, my weary one_

_It's time to go to sleep_

_Just bow your head_

_And give your cares to me_

_Just close your eyes_

_And fall into the sweetest dream_

_'Cause in my loving arms_

_You're safe as you will ever be_

_So hush my dear and sleep_

_And in your dreams_

_You'll ride on angels' wings_

_Dance with the stars_

_And touch the face of god_

_And if you should awake_

_My precious one, my tiny one_

_I'll kiss your little cheek_

_And underneath the smiling moon_

_I'll sing you back to sleep »_

 

They both fell asleep, holding onto each other like they were meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I am NOT good at long period angst... I love it when I read a story and there is some angst to it, but sometimes when it last for like 3 or 4 or more chapter I just... I get tired of it. So this is about the max I can do for my own stories... 1 or 2 chapters max, things will get better now I promise.


	24. His love roared louder than her demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> I feel terrible. I haven't update in... well in forever. I've started a new job, and it's a full time job and I've been sick and it was my son's birthday... anyway, no excuses. 
> 
> So as promised, here's a chapter. It's more like a filler chapter though, but... I do think you'll like it. The next one will be something though ;) So here it is, sorry again guys... for this one, and for my other fic... I will get back at it, like... really soon. Promise.

The next morning, when Lena woke up she immediately noticed that Jensen wasn’t with her anymore. She felt her heart aching a little bit, but as she opened her eyes she saw a note on the other pillow and smiled.

 

« Sorry I had to leave you, but there was a little girl who required my entire attention. I’ll let you sleep as long as you need to, I’ve put some fresh clothes for you. Come and find me when you’re ready.

 

Love, J. »

 

 

She smiled a little more and stood up. She stretched a little bit and decided to take a shower, she didn’t exactly know what was going to happen that day, but after everything she had been through the night before she kinda craved a warm shower. She jumped in the shower, and couldn’t help but hum, content, as the water slowly made its way everywhere on her body. She knew they’d have to talk, but her mood was way better than it had been in the week and she felt happier. Maybe what she needed was to be with him all along.

 

She was washing her hair when it hit her; there was no other place in the world she wanted to be, and even if Jensen only wanted her as a friend, she’d accept it. He and Justice were everything that mattered, and she knew now that she couldn’t be happy without them. So she took a decision, and promised herself to stick with it, no matter what. She wouldn’t lose them, _she couldn’t._

 

 

_***_

 

 

She walked in the kitchen, wearing Jensen’s sweatpants and one of his well-worn t-shirt, her hair still damp from the shower and a radiant smile on her face. She walked right through Jensen and hugged him. He hugged her back and they stayed like this a moment, like they had done so many times.

-Thank you! she said still hugging him.

-What for?

-For being my best friend, she said.

 

He hugged her a little tighter but she noticed a tension in his arms. When she looked at him she saw a hint of sadness and smiled at him.

-I think we need to talk, where is Justice?

-At Jared’s. I’ve called them this morning asking a favor, and by the way, I’ve also called Allyson.

-Thank you.

-No problem, are you hungry?

-Starving, please tell me you are making something reeeeeeally greasy?

-Everything for you, he said.

 

They ate in a comfortable silence, Lena steeling glances at Jensen and Jensen glancing at her. It was like a bad comedy. They both knew they needed to talk, but no one wanted to start. Finally, almost ironically, they broke it in the same time.

-Listen I…

-We really need to…

 

-Ok, you first, finally said Jensen.

-Right, me first. Ok, I’m… I’m sorry I acted like a spoiled brat, I should’ve given you a chance to explain yourself.

-Len…

-Let me finish, she said. I want you to know why I reacted like this. You are the only person I’ve ever been completely true with. You know me Jensen, in ways no one else has ever known me, not even my own mother. All my life, I’ve been told that I wasn’t enough. I didn’t sing well enough for my father, I wasn’t tiny enough for kids my age, I wasn’t normal enough for my friend… And the very emotion I’ve felt when I woke up that morning and you weren’t there, I felt like I wasn’t enough for you too... And I just, I broke. Something broke inside of me and I’ve realised that I am not okay. I may have thought I was, but deep down I’m broken and the only time I feel whole and happy is when I’m with you or Justice.

-You are so much more than enough Eleanor, you are everything. I am so sorry, the way I did things, I’m not proud of that. But, I looked at you and you were so peaceful and I wanted to feel that peace too, but instead of that it was guilt. I needed to do something and I acted out of impulse, I should have stayed and explained to you.

-I shouldn’t have pushed you to do that, clearly you weren’t ready and I’m sorry. I need you in my life Jensen, and even if you never return my feelings, I’d be happy because…

 

He didn’t let her finish, he put a finger to her lips and silenced her.

-Oh but I do, that’s what all that guilt was about, he said locking her hazel iris in his green ones.

 

They stared at each other for a moment, had they been in a tv show, everyone would have thought they were about to kiss. Hell they both wanted too. Even Lena was sure this was going to happen, but Jensen stepped back a shy smile on his face and looked away.

-What now? asked Eleanor almost in a whisper.

-Now we spend the day together, because I’ve missed you. And tomorrow, he started. Tomorrow we are going on a date.

-A date?

-Yes Eleanor, a date. We deserve it don’t you think?

-Yes we do.

-What about a movie, we still have three hours left before I go pick Justice at Jared’s.

-Good idea.

-Living room, or my bed?

-Are you inviting me to your bed Ackles?

-Not tonight, he said winking at her.

 

 

They ended up in his bedroom, cuddling and watching The Expendables. They had always been the cuddling type, but somehow that day it felt different. They would stop watching the movie to look at each other, without saying a word and just smiled. Jensen would gently stroke Eleanor’s arm, and they had their fingers laced together. It was perfect, they were meant to be, and they both knew it. They both wanted to kiss the other, but they both had the feeling that it wasn’t the right thing to do, not now. They had to wait, wait until their date.

 

Still hungover from the night before, Lena fell asleep before the movie ended and was woken up by Jensen gently caressing her hair.

-Lena wake up.

-mmm…

-Lena I have to go.

-Where? she asked still half asleep.

-I have to pick Justice, wanna come with me.

-No, she said sitting in the bed.

-No?

-I do want to see her, but I need to go home. I need to clear my mind, and I need to put distance between you and me, before we rush things, _again_.

-Can I drop you off?

-Yes, you can.

 

The ride to Lena’s house was silent, but comfortable. When they arrived, Jensen got out of the car and walked her to her door. She hugged him, and they smiled at each other, still without talking. Then, Jensen leaned a little bit and kissed her cheek,

-I’ll see you tomorrow Eleanor.

-Yeah, she said smiling.

 

 

_***_

 

 

She wandered through her bedroom, her mind a little dizzy. And it was the best kind of dizzy, because she wasn’t drunk or high, she was just really happy. Thinking about that date with Jensen made her giggle a little bit, and she undertook to rummage through her walk-in, searching for the perfect outfit. After what felt like hours doing just that and having found nothing, she decided to stop and made her way towards the living room. She noticed her broken phone on the floor and almost laughed, she would need to get another but for now she didn’t care. She took her Ipad and opened the messenger app scrolling for Alyson. Apologies were better in person and she kind of wanted to see her friend so she simply asked her if she could come over.

 

Thirty minutes later, her friend was at her door and she hugged her tightly.

-I’m sorry, she said inviting her friend inside.

-It’s ok, said Alyson not even looking angry.

-It is not. I was a bitch to you and you were only trying to help. I am sorry.

-You’re forgiven.

-I have a date with Jensen tomorrow, she blurted out, incapable of controlling herself.

-A date like, you will go over there and be his best friend or a date.

-A date, she said smiling. We talked this morning and, well apparently I’m a little blind because he kinda admit that he shares my feelings so… anyway… Yeah a date.

-You sound like a teenager finally having a date with her long time crush, Alyson said smiling like a fool.

-I feel like it, admitted Eleanor. I don’t know what to wear and I’m nervous and so so so happy.

-You deserve it, I’m happy for you. Both of you. Now for the rest, don’t forget that this is Jensen, you don’t have to impress him.

-Right, tell the nervous girl that this is just Jensen a.k.a a famous actor who is way too hot not to be a god or something.

-Oh now you decide to fangirl, a year later really?

-I’m not fangirling I’m just…

 

She stopped, noticing Alyson looking at her with her ‘stop bullshiting me’ face, and bite her bottom lip a little bit.

-Ok I totally am. I’ll be ok tomorrow, it’s just…

-You are happy, and you deserve it. And it’s ok, and if you want me to spend the night listening to you fangirling over your best friend, I’ll stay just here. Because you are my friend and I love you.

-Good. You don’t have to spend the night though, but maybe we could watch a movie?

-Good idea.

-What about the last Captain America, I’m dying for some marvel action right now?

-I thought Thor was your favorite?

-He is, but I love them all.

-Captain it is then, but I’m warning you it’ll be my turn to fangirl.

-Yeah?

-He’s so freaking hot.

-I’m not really the blond hair, blue eyed type, said Lena.

-Do I have to remind you that Thor has blond hair and blue eyes?

-Yeah but he’s Thor so it doesn’t count.

-You are full of bullshit.

-Yes, but you have to put up with me because I am happy and you don’t want to destroy my newfound happiness.

-Shut up and put that movie.


	25. The date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that I would be WAY more anxious than Eleanor if I was going on a date with Jensen Ackles! Damn, isn't he like the most perfect creature in the world? Ehehehe ^^  
> I hope you'll enjoy my lovelies, I'm working on the next chapter right now. I've kicked myself in the ass in an attempt to be more productive.
> 
> Let me know what you think, I LOVE to read your comments. And to everyone who left kudos, thank you so much... I can't respond to them like I do with the comments, but they warm my heart. EVERY. ONE. OF. THEM. So thanks a lot... 
> 
> I love you guys!

Eleanor was staring at her reflection in the mirror, rising on the tip of her feet, trying to decide if she should wear high heels of flat shoes for her date. She had chosen a black dress, because you can never be wrong with a black dress, and she wasn’t sure about the shoes part. Jensen was tall, but most men really liked the idea of short girls and she wasn’t extremely short herself, so wearing high heels would make her almost as tall as him.

-Fuck it, she said slipping on her favorite heels.

 

She turned on herself, several times, making sure her bra wasn’t seen on the back then readjusting her boobs on the front. She looked at herself again, and sighed. She had never been so nervous about a date her entire life. She put some makeup on, nothing too fancy just a various shade of nude and bronze but added her favorite red lipstick. She tried to tame her hair, but in the end she just let them dance around her head completely out of control. It wasn’t ugly though, it was… her. She had to remind herself several time that this was only Jensen, but every time she did that in an attempt to calm her nerves, she ended up panicking a little more because how in hell the fact that this was _just_ Jensen was supposed to help. She was having a freaking date with the only person she had ever truly loved, and this person happens to be Jensen fucking Ackles.

 

She was having one of those moments when she heard the bell rang, she chuckled a little bit because how silly this was that he was ringing the bell, even though he had a key? She ran to the door and opened it,

-Hi! she said almost out of breath.

-Hi Chipette, you look amazing, he said taking in her dress.

-Thank you, you don’t look bad yourself, she added.

 

The actor was wearing black jeans, that were tight just at the right places and a salmon shirt, with the top three button undone, making his eyes pop a little more than usual. His hair was spiked in the air, he was stunning. But he was Jensen Ackles, he was always stunning.

-Thanks. You, huh… This, I… I’m nervous, he said laughing a little bit.

-Me too, this is stupid we’ve got out together countless of times.

-This is different though, he said looking at her right in the eyes with a little hint of lust hiding in his.

-Yeah, I know, she agreed almost in a whisper.

-So, uh, I love the heels by the way, but you should probably get rid of’em.

-Why?

-Because… reasons.

-Tell me? she said crossing her arms over her chest.

-Trust me, have I ever disappointed you with those kind of things?

-I am NOT jumping off a bridge again, she said taking her heels off.

-I promise you won’t. It’s just… you’ll thank me later.

-Alright fine, I trust you.

 

She replaced the heels by some flat shoes and leaded him by the door,

-Alright, let’s get going.

 

 

***

 

 

When Jensen finally parked his car, Lena looked at him with a raised eyebrow, she hadn’t said a thing as they drove pass the town, but she had to admit she was curious as to why they were stopping in the middle of nowhere, with just some farm to be seen. She gladly accepted his hand as he opened the door for her and followed him through the field, silently thanking god that she had listened to him and dropped the heels. When they finally stopped, she was speechless.

 

Before her was a large blanket, with two baskets on it, a bucket with a bottle of champagne in it, some flowers in the middle and his guitar by the side. She smiled fondly, the scenario was breathtaking.

-Didn’t know you were such a romantic, she said smiling widely enough to hurt her face.

-Not always, but I have my moments.

-This is amazing, she said taking place on the blanket.

 

-Champagne? he asked holding a glass for her to take.

-Of course, she said taking it.

 

They stared at each other a moment, smiling.

-To us! Jensen said clinking his glass with hers.

-To us! she replied still smiling as she took a sip.

 

They talked a little, nothing too heavy just small talk, eating cheese on crackers until finally Jensen took out a big thermal container and opened it. He put a, surprisingly still warm, burger on a plate and gave it to her, then took one for himself.

-Burger on a romantic picnic, are you serious? she asked smiling fondly at him.

-Well, it’s not like I could feed you with foie-gras and fancy things.

-You are the best, she said taking a bite, I love you.

 

He looked at her with wide eyes, but then smiled and took a bit of his burger too.

-Well I mean…. she tried to retract the words but finally decided against it. Yeah I meant exactly that, she said smiling.

-Glad to hear it, he said still smiling.

 

They ate in silence, smiling at each other every now and then, both happy to just be there.

-How’s J.J? asked Lena once she was done.

-Over excited, he said laughing.

-How come?

-Well, I may have been a little overconfident about tonight so I told her.

-You told her you were going on a date?

-I told her I was going on a date with you, he said laughing.

-What did she say?

-She asked if now you would finally come and live with us.

-Damn I love this little girl, she said smiling like a fool now.

 

After that, they ate a pie, to Eleanor’s greatest joy, and talked some more. They talked about the next season of the show and how it was totally amazing that this was going to be the thirteenth season. Lena shared some of her expectations, and Jensen laughed a couple of times because she was way too excited about this. They grew a little closer with time, sitting only inches apart once the sun started to settle down. If Lena thought the sight was breathtaking before, she was dying of oxygen loss when she saw it. There in that field she was able to see everything, and somehow the fact that she was with Jensen made it even more amazing. The sky was painted with red and yellow and light pink. She took the glass to her lips and sighed,

-This is beautiful, she said.

-Absolutely beautiful, answered Jensen.

 

She glanced towards him and blushed a little when she noticed that he was looking at her. And how in hell did her life became so sappy all of the sudden? She smiled a little wider and took another sip.

-You know, he started. Even though we’ve known each other for almost a year now, I’m kind of shy right now.

-I know the feeling, she said locking her eyes with his.

-I, uh, he cleared his throat which all of a sudden felt extremely dry, I wanted to apologize again.

-For what?

-For… you know leaving.

-It’s ok, don’t worry about that.

-No, I know… but, I want you to know why.

 

-I’m listening, she said.

 

-Like I said before, I felt guilty after we… after. So I went home, I mean I went to Austin because I needed to, it’s gonna sound silly, but I needed to talk to Danneel. I went to her grave and I just sat there, and for a while I spoke and I apologized to her, and I don’t how to explain this but, she listened. I remembered a day when we talked about soulmates and, she was certain that even though we loved each other, we weren’t soulmates. Anyway, I remembered she told me: but please Jensen if you ever find her, come and find me and tell me, I’ll understand. This is how amazing she was you know, and… well, I know it sounds a little stupid but… I think, I know that she would be ok with us being together, she would have loved you and I’m sure that wherever she is, she is happy to know that you are in Justice’s life.

-Jensen, I…

-Shhh, I’m not done. I don’t want you to think that I will go running to her grave every time. I, I won’t go back but…

-Eh eh, wôa… I’d never ask you that. She was your wife, and she is Justice’s mom, you can go visit her as often as you wish, she said putting a hand on his.

-You are the most amazing woman in the whole world.

-I am not, she said blushing.

-Yes you are.

-Shut up, she said softly punching his shoulder.

 

She looked around a little and her gaze felt on the guitar, she took it and gave it to him,

-Play me something.

-It was my intention, he said.

-You know, she started but then stopped. No forget it, I’m not telling you that.

-Too late you start.

-Fine, but you aren’t allowed to run away.

-Why would I do that?

-When I was a little younger, not much really, I used to spend hours on YouTube watching you sing. And If I’m being completely honest with you, I may have done it a couple of times in the last few months.

-Gen recorded every time you sang at the pub, and I may have watched it a couple of times too.

-Are you fangirling over me Ackles?

 

He chuckled a little bit and started adjusting the guitar. He looked at her a moment, and knew which song he wanted to sing. It was a song the fans always wanted him to sing and he knew she would love it, first because of this exact reason, but also because of the lyrics. He scratched the cords a little and started.

 

_«-_ _I can feel her heart beat from a thousand miles_  
And the heavens open every time she smiles   
And I'm running to her, that's where I belong 

_I'm running to her like a river's song_  
  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
  
She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling down  
And I'm running to her when the sun goes down  
She takes away my trouble, she takes away my grief  
She takes away my heartache and I go right to sleep  
  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
  
Yes I need her, in the daytime  
Yes I need her, in the night  
Yes I want to throw my arms around her  
  
Kiss her, hug her, and I kiss and hold her tight   
  
When I'm returning from a long day  
She gives me some sweet lovin', it brightens up my day  
It makes me righteous, yes it makes me whole  
It makes me mellow right down to my soul  
  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  
She gives me love, love, love, love, crazy love  _»_

 

For all the song, they started into each other’s eyes, drinking in the love and lust and everything. Not once did they break contact, not even as Jensen dropped his guitar by his side and gently stroke her cheek with his hand. He leaned a little bit, this time knowing very well that nothing would stop him, and just before his lips touched hers, he smiled.

-I love you Eleanor Blaire.

-I love you too Jensen Ackles, she said her heart beating faster and faster by the second.

 

Her lips found his, and they immediately started to move in harmony, dancing together as if they were made to be like this. Deepening the kiss, Jensen put a hand on her back and brought her closer. It was the best kiss she had ever experienced, forget the butterfly, forget the fireworks, the world exploded. It may have exploded for real they wouldn’t have noticed, too wrapped in their own world making magic with their lips and their tongues tasting each other.

 

Eventually, they had to breathe and stepped back. Jensen rest his forehead on hers still not willing to let go of her body,

-How the hell did I spend thirty years of my life not kissing you? she asked softly laughing

-Who knows! he said smiling.

-Let’s never do that again, she said searching for his lips.

-Agreed.

 

And they kissed again, this time with even more passion and fierceness. She climbed on his lap, straddling him and pushing him until he was laying on his back half on the blanket half on the grass. He couldn’t help but bucked his hips a little bit, and they both moaned into their kiss. With the little bit of common sense left in him, he pushed her back a little, just enough to speak and sighed,

-We need to stop, he said.

-Why, she pouted.

-Because we are outside, in a public place, he said trying his best not to forget about all of this and kiss her again.

 

She looked around and smirked,

-I don’t see a living soul around here.

-I know, but what if? Do you really want to be on top of a magazine or all over the Internet?

-Perks of dating a famous guy, she sighed rolling over and lying beside him.

-Do… do you… is this something that bothers you? he asked.

-What?

-That I’m famous, I mean, yeah for now we can escape a little bit but…

-Hey no! she said turning around to face him. I don’t care about this. I mean, yeah obviously there are some things that will be different that if you were just any guy, but… for me you are just Jensen you know…and if I have to wear a designer dress to roam the red carpet from time to time, well…

-And the paparazzi, and..

-Jensen shh, she said putting a finger to his lips. I really don’t care.

-Ok, ok.

-Can we go back to kissing now?

-Not here, let’s go, he said standing up.

-But…we need to pack our things.

-Just the guitar, the landlord will come and pack everything.

-You sure?

-Yes I am.

-Well, uh ok.

-Come on, he insisted tending his hand for her to take.

 

They walked hand in hand to the car, not saying anything just smiling. They sat on the car and Jensen drove back to Eleanor’s loft. He parked in front and opened the door for her,

-What a gentleman, she said mockingly.

 

He smiled at her, and she saw malice in his eyes. They climbed the stairs and as soon as they were inside, he grabbed and lifted her, walking to her bedroom. She laughed until he laid her in the middle of the bed and all she could see in his beautiful green eye was lust.

-We are not in a public place anymore, he said kneeling to take her shoes off.

-What are you doing? she asked feeling a little embarrassed by the fact that he was taking her shoes off.

-I’m gonna make love to you. Like I should have the first time. I’m gonna take my time kissing every inch of your body that I craved for longer than I’m comfortable to admit. I’m gonna undress you slowly, because we have all the time in the world. I’m gonna stare into your eyes while I’m inside you, and I’m gonna hear all those beautiful sounds you were keeping for yourself last time.

 

She opened her mouth to say something but nothing would come so she shut it. She gasped a little bit and stared into his eyes, waiting. He didn’t move, just stared and she realised that he wanted an approbation of some sort so once again she opened her mouth, but found herself completely speechless so she nodded instead. He smiled at her and she just let herself fall onto the mattress, enjoying the way he was almost worshipping her ankles, taking her shoes off.


	26. One heart, one love…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here it is! I hope it was worth the wait.  
> I cant' gift just a chapter and I absolutely don't know how to tag in the notes but EvaDean, this chapter is for you. Thank you for all your kind words. I love them and they are precious. I hope you enjoy this little smutty chapter... <3 
> 
> AGAIN, I'm so sorry! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy :)

True to his words, Jensen kissed the top of her feet, then gently caressed her calves with both his hands while he started kissing her thighs. He kissed gently, just taking his time to feel her. It was intoxicating, the sweetness of her skin as much as her scent, which was a mix between peaches and a warm summer breeze. Maybe it was because he didn’t have time to enjoy it the last time, but there was something magical about the connection of his lips to her skin.

 

Still trailing kisses on her legs, alternating from the left to the right, he massaged her calves and smiled as she sighed with satisfaction. He rose a little bit, and draped her entire body with his, going for a tender kiss on her lips. He kissed her with passion, trying his best to convey all of his love in the kiss.

-I love you, he said leaving her mouth just enough to speak.

-I love you too, she answered before he kissed her again.

 

 

***

 

 

She wasn’t used to be taken care of like that, it was overwhelming. Jensen was kissing her in places she had never been kissed before and without being extremely erogenous places, it was doing things to her body she had never felt before. When he climbed back to her body to kiss her, and she felt his erection pressing against her belly, she had the impression she was going to explode. After some I love yous and some more kisses, he started trailing down her neck and forced her to rise a little so he could undress her. She was kinda sitting, with him on her lap as he unzipped the dress, making both her sleeves fall, leaving her in nothing but her bra. Somehow, she wasn’t even sure how since she was too mesmerized by the lust in his wonderful green eyes, he got rid of the dress and started kissing her breast.

 

Still sitting, she felt his hands going for the snaps of the offensive piece of clothes and with a skillful hand her bra was gone. He looked at her a moment, and she should have probably felt shy but it was Jensen and she was ok being vulnerable with him. He kissed her mouth another time, this time brushing his tongue against her bottom lip, she opened and their tongues started dancing together that wonderful choreography their hearts knew long before them.

 

He grabbed one of her boobs and she moaned in his mouth, the desire only growing and growing. With the little semblance of control she had left, she started unbuttoning his shirt, and removed it. She let her fingers trace his muscle, loving the feel of them under her touch and smiled when she felt him shiver.

 

He pushed her back with a little smile on his face and started trailing kisses on her breast again, then he sucked one of her nipple in his mouth while gently rubbing the other. She arched her back and whined, and he smile against her. After both her nipples where hard and almost painful from the sucking, he started his descent, kissing her belly.

 

For a second, one tiny little second, she was about to give him _the_ speech she had given all of her life. _No don’t put your mouth near my pussy, oh hell no I don’t like it. Do not touch my ass, yeah basically just fuck me already_ … but, she didn’t want too. To this day, no man had ever done that to her, the only person that had done that was Felicia. But she trusted Jensen, she wanted him to do it, she needed him to do everything, to touch her everywhere. She couldn’t help but laugh as she felt his mouth on her hips, struggling a little bit to remove her underwear.

-Yeah a laugh was definitely not the reaction I was aiming for, he said looking at her.

-I’m sorry, she said looking at him in awe. It’s just, I used to have this speech I would give to… well everybody.

-Speech?

-I, uh. I’ve never… I have never let someone kiss me… there. Except for that time with Felicia.

-Oh, I… I won’t, he started climbing back.

-No, no. That is why I laughed, I just never felt comfortable enough. It’s ok, you can do everything you want, she said with a shy smile.

-Oh everything? he said pulling her underwear.

-Everything you wish, she said holding his stare.

 

With a little smirk, he threw the red panties away and pushed both her thighs to have a better access. He looked a second or two, debating with himself what to do and how to hold it a little much longer, but he finally gave in, kissing the top of her pelvis descending slowly until his face was buried deep between her lips.

-Holy shit, she cried not able to control herself.

 

He licked and sucked, enjoying the wetness and when he knew she was comfortable enough, giving that she was panting and moaning, he changed his strategy. He rubbed her clitoris with his thumb, and kissed her entrance, poking the interior with his tongue making her scream in pleasure. He brought his tongue back to her clitoris, and pushed one finger inside.

-Shit Jensen this, you… damn.

-Yeah baby I know, he said before he stood and looked at her.

 

 

***

 

 

He wanted to hear her more, to make her fall apart under his tongue and fingers but he had other plans for tonight, so he stood. He was painfully hard in his jeans and he was a good relief when he unbuttoned them, and threw everything aside in one graceful gesture. Now completely naked, he looked at her and saw in her eyes how much she wanted him too. He stroked himself a little, and Lena licked her lips while stretching her legs a little wider for him.

 

He climbed back on the bed and went for a kiss. A long, passionate and almost dirty kiss before he nudged at her entrance a little bit, then rubbed her with his cock as she moaned louder and louder.

-I’m losing my patience Jensen, she said locking her eyes with his.

-You have no patience whatsoever my love, he answered pushing completely inside with one swift motion.

-Oh fuck yeah!

 

He stayed still a moment, watching her face relax as the new sensation hit her. He kissed her, and she smiled.

-Move, she said.

 

And so he did, and it was wonderful. He didn’t know if she was doing it on purpose or if it was just her body reacting, but every now and then she would clench around him, almost making him lose his control before she released. It was everything, everything he had wish for the first time he would have sex with her. Of course it wasn’t their first, but in a way it was.

 

He kept it slow, wanting to enjoy every moment of it, kissing her, kissing her neck, her breast.

 

 

***

 

 

- _So this is making love_ , she thought as Jensen slowly pounded into her while kissing down her neck.

 

She had never felt so full, so content in her life. She loved sex a little rougher than that, but somehow this was perfect. She knew she would get it sooner or later, because Jensen knew it already, but for their kinda-first time it was perfect and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

As she arched her back a little more, knowing that her orgasm was about to hit her, Jensen took her hands in his, lacing their fingers together on both sides of her head and looked her in the eyes. She was used to him staring at her, but that time it felt different. There was some mystical energy, it was like she was able to see his soul.

-I love you, he said again.

-I love you Jensen, I love you so much, she said as it hit her.

 

She arched again, and moaned louder than before incapable of controlling herself. She felt his fingers pressing harder and she knew he came too, their eyes still locking in each other.

 

They stayed like that for a moment before rolling to their side, facing each other. Jensen was gently stroking Eleanor’s arm as her hand was resting on his chest. They leaned and kissed a little more, not having a care in the world.

-I think you’ve ruined me, she finally said with a smirk.

-Well I have no intention of letting you go ever, so I guess it’s a good thing.

 

She chuckled and kissed him more. This was surreal. This was heaven, better than heaven. Jensen fell asleep holding her tight against his chest, but she couldn’t sleep. She stared at him for a while, before she finally sat criss cross in the bed besides him. There was no way she would be able to sleep. For once in her life, she had everything she had ever wanted. For the first time, she felt like she was enough, she felt truly complete and free. He loved her, all of her with all her flaws and craziness.

 

 

***

 

 

Minutes passed, hours, and she just stayed there looking at him with a fond smile. He stirred a little bit in his sleep and opened his eyes when he noticed she wasn’t there.

-What are you doing? he asked.

-“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”[1], she answered smiling and climbing on top of him.

-Did you just compose that, like the one about cold?

-Nah, it’s a John Joseph Powell quote, but it was fitting.

-That doesn’t answer my question though, why aren’t you asleep?

-Because I wanted to look at you, I wanted to enjoy that perfect moment. Because I’m happy.

-Come here, he said as she bent to kiss him.

 

They kissed passionately until she felt his length growing under her. She waved her hips a little bit, until his member was right between her and smiled at him.

-Ready for round two?

-Do you promise to let me cuddle you after? he asked even though he knew he would never say no to her.

-I do.

-Well then, he said stretching his hand to reach his member.

 

She snapped the hand away and rotated her hips a little bit, just to torture him.

-Oh no! It’s my turn now, she said before reaching behind her to grab his hard on.

 

She directed it to her entrance and sank on it, all in one take making him moaned louder than before. She put her hands on his chest for leverage and started to move but he steadied her firmly with both his hands on her hips.

-Wait!

-Why? Is it too much to take, she said making small movement with her body.

-Fuck Eleanor, he said releasing his grip.

 

She leaned and kissed him, then start kissing his jaw, enjoying the feel of his stubble on her lips. She stopped when she reached his ear, bit his lobe a little causing him to whine, although he would deny it if ask.

-I love you, she whispered in his ear before she sat back on him and started bouncing.

 

 

***

 

 

When she woke up, it was Jensen’s turn to look at her and she felt a little shy. She knew her hair would be a mess after so much « activity » and, her make up would have probably spread everywhere. She wanted to hide, but when she tried to bring the cover to her face, he stopped her.

-Don’t, he said, don’t ever hide from me Eleanor.

-But, I’m…

-Shh, he said with a finger on her lips. You are perfect and I love you.

-I love you too.

 

They stared for a moment, like they had done so many times before, before she chuckled and yawned.

-What time is it? she asked.

-It’s only 6’ in the morning.

-What are you doing awake? she asked with wide eyes.

-Habits I guess. You can go back to sleep, don’t mind me.

-No, I want to enjoy our time together, she said sitting on the bed and rubbing her eyes.

 

She made sure to cover herself with the sheet, out of habits.

-What about I cook you some breakfast?

-With bacon?

-I don’t know love do you have bacon?

-Who do you take me for? she said laughing.

-Right! Eh but before I go downstairs I have to ask, since when do you play piano?

-Oh, she said looking at the giant piano in the corner of her room. I, uh. I bought it out of impulse couple month ago and started to take lessons.

-And you didn’t tell me?

-I didn’t want to have expectations, I’m still not sure if I will ever play in front of… well anyone.

-I’m sure you are good.

-Maybe.

-Show me.

-Maybe some day.

-Alright. Take your time, I’ll go prepare breakfast.

 

 

She smiled at him and when he was out of sight she stood up from the bed and chose a pair of short shorts and a little tank top. She went to the bathroom and took a quick shower.

 

 

When she appeared in the kitchen, he almost smiled at her fondly and with a wicked smiled on her lips she dropped on her knees and unbuttoned the jeans, the only piece of clothing he was wearing.

-Lena what… what are you doing.

-Something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time, she said kissing the top of his hardening dick.

-But… bu… the breakfast.

-Keep going, she said taking it all in her mouth.

 

She moaned first, unable to resist as she felt his length on her tongue. She sucked and licked like it was the most amazing thing in the world, well it kinda was for her anyway. Jensen moaned and whined, trying his best to concentrate on the eggs, and if the cooking wasn’t exactly what he was aiming for well…

-Lena I’m, baby you gotta stop, he said crisping is hand on the spatula.

 

But she didn’t stop, she hummed around him and took him deeper.

-Shit, he said before he was coming in her mouth.

 

She licked him clean and stood. She gave him a little kiss on the lips and with a skip in her pace and a cheerful smiled she went and took place at the dining table, waiting for him to bring the plates.

 

 

***

 

 

Jensen watched her, feeling all kinds of dizzy from love and sex and he couldn’t help but smile. This girl was amazing and his chest almost ached at all the love he was feeling. He looked at her, sitting at the table and he pictured Justice right by her side, both of them probably drawing something or singing or playing that little game she had bought for her. This, this was his future, he knew with certitude that Eleanor was his future at that very moment.

 

He smiled and walked to her with two plates, sitting right next to her.

 

[1] Quote by : John Joseph Powell


	27. Home is not a place… It’s a feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I have no excuses, but to be completely honest I’ve experienced some sort of writer’s block. There were too many ideas for this fic fighting inside my head it was crazy. Now I know where I’m going though so… Yeah! 
> 
> For those of you who are still there, first of all thank you. I’m the first to whine when authors don’t update and I’m truly sorry. But if you are still here, thank you with all my heart and soul. Thank you for sticking around, and I hope you’ll enjoy what is coming next 

After that first date, Lena and Jensen went on several. They kept it friendly though, because they weren’t ready to share their love with the world. Lena followed Jensen to Texas for the summer, bringing with her the only thing that mattered, her little furry friend. Whisky fell in love with Justice and so, even though Lena was still living in her loft, well she went once in a while, but back in Vancouver Whisky was now living at Jensen’s house, more precisely in Justice’s arms.

 

To be honest, Eleanor knew that it was just a matter of time before Jensen would ask her to move in, so she wasn’t really surprised when on a Sunday morning she woke up to a wonderful smell. Waking up to coffee and bacon was the second best thing in the world, the first one being having Jensen on top of her and some lazy morning sex. She put her favorite pajama, and joined her family in the kitchen. She leaned on the doorway watching them and smiled. Justice was perched on a chair and was mixing something, which she suspected was whipped cream, while Jensen was cooking eggs and bacon on the stove, only wearing his sweatpants. His hair was still messed up because they had an interesting night and he looked stunning. She walked to them, ruffled Justice’s hair and dropped a kiss on top of her head before she enlaced Jensen’s waist and rested on his back, content.

-Morning love, said Jensen.

-Good morning! she answered rocking them a little bit.

-We are cooking breakfast for you mama, said Justice.

-I see that banana, but why? Is it my birthday?

-No, giggled the little girl.

-Is it Christmas?

-No, continued to giggle Justice.

-Mmm, said Lena, Oh I know? she said putting a finger up in the air.

-Do you now? asked Jensen putting the breakfast in plates.

-I think I do, she said laughing, it’s the anniversary of the day we met, she added looking into Justice’s eyes.

-No, she answered.

-Well my beautiful little lady, it may not be the reason why you are cooking this, but I’m telling you, a year ago you came to me and asked for a drink.

-I remembered, she said her eyes lighting.

-And you made your way into my heart like no one else before, she said hugging her stepdaughter.

-I love you, said the little girl.

-I love you too.

 

They sat to eat and Jensen was suspiciously silent. Lena didn’t say anything, she just waited. Once they were done eating, he looked at Justice and she nodded.

-Is it time daddy?

-Yes baby, you can go ahead.

-I have something to ask mama, said the little girl.

-What is it love?

-Do you wanna move in with us?

 

Even though she knew this would come, Lena stared at her little friends in shocked.

-Did I do it right daddy? asked Justice.

-Yes, yes. Just give Lena time to process.

-Of course I want to, finally said Eleanor.

-YES, shouted the little girl. I have to go tell Kiki, she is still sleeping in my room.

-Yeah you do that, she said.

 

-You sure you want me to move in Jay?

-Of course, I don’t want to spend nights apart from you anymore, he said getting closer.

-I don’t want either, she said accepting his embrace.

-I love you Eleanor, and you place is here with us.

-With my family, she added.

 

They kissed slowly, almost lazily.

 

-And when the show is finished, you’ll move in with me in Texas? he asked sipping his coffee.

-Of course Jensen, I’ve been looking for a home my whole life, now that I have you and Justice, I’ll follow you to the end of the world.

-The end of the world, really?

-Uh, uh!

-Even Australia?

-Depends? Will you be my knight in shining armor?

-You want me to fight Skippy?

-No, spiders.

-I’ll be your knight then. I’ll hunt the evil monster.

-Kinda your job anyway, she said laughing.

-Kinda.

-But uhm, I mean, for me to move in with you here is a thing but, to move with you in Texas…

-We’ll have to get married.

-Well, I mean if you don’t want to it’s ok, I…

-Shh, he said putting a finger to her lips. Of course I want to, don’t be silly.

-Are you proposing to me Jensen Ackles, she said with a wide smile.

-No! I won’t propose to you on a Sunday morning, while only wearing sweatpants.

-Well, I would have said yes and it would have been perfect, she said dropping a little peck on his perfect lips.

-Good to know! he said standing up.

 

 

***

 

 

The rest of the day went just as the rest of the week. On Friday night, Lena was standing in the kitchen at the pub, following Ally’s every moves.

-I’m not sure anymore Ally, I can’t do this, what if I fuck up? What if they don’t like it? What if Jensen thinks it’s stupid?

-Jesus Eleanor calm yourself or I’ll have to slap you.

-But…

-You won’t fuck up, this will be amazing and you know it. You are an amazing singer and everyone here loves you. And about Jensen, he’ll probably cry like a baby because this man is so in love with you it’s almost gross.

-I love him too, she said almost in a whisper.

-I noticed, the other girl chuckled.

-Ok, ok alright, she said moving towards the door.

 

Ally smiled at her and was just about to go back to her cooking when Lena abruptly turned around.

-What about my dress? Does it look pretentious? I mean, it’s… yeah ok, don’t look at me like that… I’m going.

 

She walked confidently to the stage and took a deep breath. Singing for them was a thing, but what she wanted to do that night was a little more. She had finally decided it was time to play piano in front of someone else, but instead of just playing for Jensen, she decided she would play at the pub. It seemed like a good idea at the time, now though as she slowly picked her microphone from its stand, she wasn’t so sure anymore.

-Hi guys! she said. Did y’all put your challenges into the box? Good! Now, I’ll do this, of course, but before, I’d like to do something different. If you’ll allow me. I, uh, I wrote a song and I, uh. Well it’s silly really and probably not good at all, but I’d like to sing it to you.

 

The crowd cheered for her, and as she looked at them, she spotted a familiar face in the back smiling proudly at her.

-I’m proud of you, he mouthed from afar.

 

She nodded and took place in front of the piano. She fidgeted a little, almost dropping the microphone trying to put it in place and adjusting it so she would be able to play and sing at the same time. She placed her hand on the keys, and almost flee as she noticed her hands were shaking. She closed her eyes and try to ignore the crowd. The pub had never felt so silent. She opened her eyes and started the song, calming herself with every note that was coming out of the piano.

 

-« _I'll tell the world, I'll sing a song_

_It's a better place since you came along_

_Since you came along_ » If the first sentences were a little quieter than she planned, nobody seemed to notice and she gained confidence to sing the rest.

 

-« _Your touch is sunlight through the trees_

_Your kisses are the ocean breeze_

_Everything's alright when you're with me_

_And I hold my favorite thing_

_I hold the love that you bring_

_But it feels like I've opened my eyes again_

_And the colors are golden and bright again_

_There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong_

_It's a better place since you came along_

_It's a better place since you came along_ »

 

She was so entranced by the song, playing every note and singing with all her heart, that she didn’t notice Jensen had come closer to the stage. She didn’t notice when he jumped on it and walked near the piano.

 

-« _I see the whole world in your eyes_

_It's like I've known you all my life_

_We just feel so right_

_So I pour my heart into your hands_

_It's like you really understand_

_You love the way I am_

_And I hold my favorite thing_

_I hold the happiness you bring_

_But it feels like I've opened my eyes again_

_And the colors are golden and bright again_

_And the sun paints the skies and the wind sings our song_

_It's a better place since you came along_

_It's a better place since you came along_

_Now I'm alright_

_Now I'm alright_

_Everything's alright_

_'Cause it feels like I've opened my eyes again_

_And the colors are golden and bright again_

_There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong_

_It's a better place since you came along_

_It's a better place since you came along_ »

 

As she finished the song, she closed her eyes and smiled to herself, proud. She realised right after that no one was applauding. Notthat she needed it, but it was usual, and she knew this crowd. She stood up and walked to be closer to the edge but stoppped dead in her tracks when she saw Jensen, one knee down and a little box in his hand, waiting to be noticed.

-What the f…

-Eleanor, he started loud enough for everyone to hear. I wanted to wait to do that, but apparently I kinda slipped Sunday morning.

-Jay!

-From the second I’ve met you, I knew you’d be special in my life. Never expected you’d be that special, but here we are. Eleanor Blaire I love you, with all my heart and soul. Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

 

With tears in her eyes, she dropped in front of him and placed both her hands on his cheeks.

-Yes! YES! she said before she kissed him.

 

And then, _then_ the crowd applauded. It was crazy, feeling all these people simply being happy for them.

-You deserved a real proposal, he said between kisses.

-I love you, you are perfect.

-No! You are baby, you are.

 

 

They went home and even though she loved Justice, Eleanor was really happy to learn that the little girl was spending the night at the Padelecki’s house. The moment they entered, Jensen took her in his arms and leaded them to the bedroom, kissing and dropping clothes all the way through. Lena thought she heard something fall but she was way too preoccupied by Jensen’s finger in her warm place to say something. They made love, looking into each other’s eyes all long, whispering I love yous and promises. They fell asleep cuddling, both with content smiles on their lips.

 

 

***

 

 

The next morning, Lena woke up with a mission. Now that she was officially engaged, she had a wedding to plan. Well, not exactly, but she had to know what Jensen wanted and tell him what she wanted. As always, when she woke up, he was long gone. She wrapped herself in his discarded shirt and went to the kitchen.

-This is one hell of a sight, she said looking at a very naked Jensen cooking pancakes.

-Didn’t feel like clothes today.

-Eh I’m not complaining, though you have to stop making me pancakes or I’m gonna be fat.

-You’d still be the most beautiful woman alive, he answered dropping a kiss on her head.

-Charmeur![1] she said

-Go sit, I’ll be there in a second.

-As you wish, mister Ackles.

 

Jensen shivered hearing her calling him like that, and promised himself to explore some things with her soon enough. He walked to the dining room and dropped a plate in front of her.

-Now’bout that wedding, she said with a smile.

-Yeah?

-What do you have in mind?

-As long as it’s you in the white dress, I’m good.

-What if I wanted a red dress? she asked.

-A red dress? he said trying his best no to look disgusted.

-I’m just kidding, you should’ve seen your face though.

-Very funny.

-Don’t worry my dress will be very white.

-Good!

-I want a winter wedding.

-Winter?

-Yeah, unless you really reeeeaaaaally don’t want to, she said looking at him with almost pleading eyes.

-I don’t see why not, but we are gonna have to marry here, because there is no snow in Texas.

-What about Whistler?

-It’ll be wonderful.

-Colors?

-I don’t really care? No pink.

-Green, my favorite color is green, she said staring at his eyes.

-Is that so? he smirked.

-Always been don’t flatter yourself.

-It’s settled then. You can look and interview planners this week.

-Wait what?

-Wedding planner, you know.

-Hell no! No one is gonna plan my wedding.

-It’s a lot of work.

-Are you doubting me Jensen Ackles?

-I wouldn’t dare.

-Good.

-Good.

-What time does Justice come back?

-Not until tomorrow morning, they went to a trip for the weekend.

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-So, what are we doing today?

-I was thinking somewhere along the line of sex.

-I think I can agree with that plan, she answered dropping her mug.

-Yeah?

-Hell yeah!

 

Jensen almost jumped out of his chair, and took Lena into his arms to lay her on the table, not caring that her hair was drowning into maple syrup. She laughed putting her legs around his waist and pulling him closer. They kissed and he entered her, both smiling and moaning into each other’s mouths.

 

[1] I know it’s actually charmer… but in my head, Lena said it in French… ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Better Place, by Rachel Platten.  
> And I strongly suggest you go listen to it NOW, it's an amazing song!!!! :)


	28. I’m me and I am you and you are you but you aren’t me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, Sooooooooooo! Sorry? I mean, if you are still here reading this than I’m the luckiest bitch alive. I’ve never experienced it like this before, but now I can definitely say I know what a writer’s block is. DAMN. I have been trying to write this for months. I don’t really like it, BUT, it was necessary. I wanted Lena to do this, it was part of the plan all along. I will, like as soon as I’m finished updating this, write the « episode » Lena’s playing. So if you want to read it: [The curse that made me whole](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13482048)
> 
>  
> 
> FYI: for the episode Lean is playing, I am not following season 13 sequence, nor will it be for the fic of said episode.
> 
>  
> 
> This fic is almost done, maybe 3 more chapters. I’ll still be writing after that, I will never stop =P but, I won’t, ever again, start posting a story until it is completely, 100% finished.
> 
> Thanks for being here, thank you  with all my heart.

Eleanor was jumping into her car, a satisfied smile on her face, she had, once again, witnessed the miracle of life. She took one last look at the house in her retro visor, smiling fondly. Inside, a wonderful new little boy had come to be. He was already strong and she had a feeling he would give a hard time to his parents. Unconsciously, she touched her own belly and her smile faded a little bit. She had made peace with not having babies a long time ago, but being in a new relationship and just about to get married, she was a little sad about it. Oh how much she would have liked to carry and raise a couple of kids with Jensen by her side. She shook her head, chasing the thoughts and concentrate on the road,

-Call Jensen, she said to her car.

 

-Hi love, that baby is born already?

-Already? Jesus don’t ever tell that to that poor woman who just suffered for eighteen hours straight, she said laughing.

-She would probably cut my head off.

-Most likely.

-How’d it went?

-Well, despite the fact that she was in labor for eighteen hours, it went well. It’s a healthy little boy with a lot of hair.

-I think it’s amazing that my fiancé is bringing new humans to the world, he said fondly.

-If only I could create a new human, she sighed.

-Eh baby don’t talk like that.

-Sorry I just… Sometimes it hit me.

-Why don’t you come on set, it’d cheer you up.

-What are you doing today? Don’t want to spoil me, she said chuckling.

-Like it would really bother you. We are auditioning actually.

-uh?

-Come and you’ll see.

-Alright, you guys want anything. I’ll buy myself something to eat first.

-No we’re good, you know there is plenty of food here.

-I know, but I crave something specific and I want it.

-Suit yourself, we are in the main building you can come directly.

-See you then.

-I love you.

-I love you too.

 

 

***

 

 

She confidently walked to the main building, her bag of food in hand and a cheerful smile on her face. Since her friendship with Jensen had started, she had been authorised on set a couple of times, only when they were doing small scenes, but since she was officially his girlfriend, they didn’t seem to mind her presence at all. They idea of witnessing an audition was pretty damn exciting too. She entered the building and quietly walked to the table in front of what looked like an improvised stage, where she spotted Robert and Jensen, plus some other guy she didn’t know. She sat beside Jensen and dropped her bag on the table.

-Hi Chipette, he said to her.

-Hello, how’s it going?

-In all honesty, not so good, he laughed joined by Robert.

 

She just shrugged and openned her food, which was on good old Big Mac and its giant fries. She bit into her burger and moaned in pleasure, making Robert chuckle beside Jensen.

-So, there’s a new character coming? she asked between bites.

-No, not at all, answered her fiancé.

-Can you tell me?

-Can I tell her? asked Jensen to Robert.

-Yes!

-We are auditioning for a Dean, he said.

-WHAT? she said almost spiting her drink. WHY? Are you planning to quit the show? Why would you do that? Why did I not know about that? Wait… these are girls on the « scene ».

-Jesus woman calm yourself, said Jensen laughing.

-But…

-Yes these are women, because Dean is going to be cursed. So we need a woman to play his character for an episode, or two, said Robert.

-And I’m gonna direct this episode.

-Nice, I’ve been waiting for a gender swap for years.

-Well, you’ll got it.

-But why?

-Why what?

-Well I mean, obviously you are doing this for a specific reason right? Not just for Dean to be cursed?

-Wouldn’t you want to know, said Robert laughing.

-You are not gonna tell me?

-Nop, they both answered.

-Assholes! she muttered through her teeth.

 

They both laughed and brought their attention back to the scene. Lena absently chewed her fries and watched the girls act, although not impress. They were terrible to be completely honest, none of them were close to a good incarnation of Dean.

-Son of a bitch, said the girl currently on the stage.

 

She was so off track; Lena couldn’t help but laugh.

-Son of a bitch, she whispered for herself in the exact same way she heard Dean said it a thousand times.

 

-Don’t forget the pie, said the girl, saying pie as if it was the most disgusting thing ever.

 

Speaking of pie, Eleanor opened her other bag and took out the piece of pie she had brought. She dug through it, almost forgetting that she was in a public place, leaving a couple of blueberry traces around her mouth.

 

Robert and Jensen looked at her and both smiled, and she repeated every single thing the woman was saying.

-Shut up Samantha, she said perfectly.

 

She continued to watch, and didn’t notice that the two men were watching her instead of the woman on the scene, until said woman got out and thank them for having her.

-Seriously guys, said Lena her mouth still half full of pie, these women were bad.

-Agreed.

-What are you gonna do? You can’t hire one of’em to play Dean it’ll be catastrophic.

-Agreed.

-So?

-We’ll think of something, said Robert. Jensen we’re done for today, I’ll see you in the morning.

-Bye Bob.

 

 

***

 

 

The next morning, while Lena was taking her time getting ready for her day, Jensen came behind her and hugged her. She leaned onto him, enjoying his warmth a little bit.

-Come with me again today.

-Why? she asked looking at him into the mirror.

-Why not?

-Well, I love coming with you but…

-Can you just come without asking questions?

-Why are you so suspicious all of the sudden?

-I’m not…

-You are.

-Please?

-I have nothing planned today, I thought about dropping by at the pub and see if I could be of help but I guess I can come with you. Will I know what this is all about?

-Yes?

-I hope you aren’t planning on kissing Misha again just for my entertainment though?

-Nop.

-Good. Because next time you kiss him I want it to be legit, well Dean and Cas legit.

-What makes you think there’s gonna be a next time?

-Do I have to list you again all the obvious reasons why Destiel is canon?

-Do I have to say again that Dean is as straight as an arrow?

-Do you really believe that?

-I, legally, and I mean, like contract-bounded, legally can’t answer that question.

-Uh!

-Yeah, now get dressed or we are gonna be late.

- _You_ are gonna be late.

-Whatever you say Chipette, he said slapping her ass before leaving her to dress.

 

 

-So, I’m glad you are here Eleanor, said Bob as they both, Jensen and her, sat in front of him.

-Ok…

-You must be wondering why?

-Kinda.

-Well, all the women we auditioned yesterday were…

-Extremely bad? So not accurate to play Dean?

-Yes. There was though, one who got him perfectly. Saying his lines with an accuracy that even Jensen was impressed.

-Ok, well that was before I arrived for sure, she said laughing. That still doesn’t explain why I’m here.

-That was actually after you arrived, said Jensen.

-Ok?

 

Robert took the stack of paper that was in front of him and gave it to Lena, who noticed that it was a script.

-Season thirteen, episode seventeen: The curse that made me whole, she read out loud. Ok? Yesterday you didn’t want to tell me why Dean would be a woman and now you are giving me the script?

-You can read it if you sign this, said Bob giving her another stack of papers a little lighter.

-Which is?

-A contract.

-A contract of confidentiality?

-No, we are hiring you.

-What?

-I think you are perfect to play the female version of Dean, finally said Robert.

-What? I’m not an actress.

-From what I’ve seen yesterday, and what Jay told me, you won’t really have to act.

-But…

-It’s an offer, you can read the contract and think about it, but I think you’ll be perfect.

-Ok… I’ll, I’ll look into it.

 

 

***

 

 

Later that day, once they were both ready to sleep, Eleanor was sitting on the bed with the contract on her lap. She was staring at the wall in front of the bed, trying to make sense of her day, when Jensen sat beside here.

-Do you think I should do it? she asked looking at him with pleading eyes.

-Nuh uh, no way I’m answering that.

-But?

-No, this is something you have to decide yourself.

-Ok fine, but do you think I _can_ do it?

-Yes! And it would be easier for me to tell you you’ve got it wrong, although I doubt this will be the case, than telling a stranger.

-You know a lot of people would beg to differ.

-Yeah, but they don’t have our relationship, it’s easy with you and I know that if I tell you you are doing something wrong, you will correct yourself and not take it personally.

-Can I take my decision after I’ve read the script?

-No, he said chuckling.

-I really don’t know what to do, she whispered.

-Listen, he said lifting her chin, I think that the real question here isn’t about whether you should or shouldn’t do it, but about want.

-What do you mean?

-Forget the fear of not being able to do it, forget the idea that people might not like that it’s you, because I know you have been thinking about that, forget what _I_ think. Do you, Eleanor Blaire, want to play Dean Winchester for an episode?

-Yes!

-You have your answer then.

-Can I read the script now?

-You are unbelievable you know that?

-What, I need to know my text, she said with a sparkle in her eyes.

-I thought we could have wild sex all night long, but if you’d rather spend the night with Dean, he said pretending to be angry.

-Oh honey, she said putting the contract on her nightstand, you have no idea, she added climbing on him, how much I would love to spend the night with Dean.

-Is that so, he asked raising one eyebrow.

-He is my all-time number one after all, she said rotating her hips so that she would put pressure on his crotch.

-And what about me, he asked caressing her thighs.

-Close second, she said leaning to kiss him with passion.

-Good enough, he said laughing in her lips.

 

 

***

 

 

-I’m sorry I can’t do this, said Eleanor reading the script with both Jensen and Robert.

-Why not?

-We can’t kiss.

-Eleanor this is kinda what all this thing is about.

-Oh I know, and believe me I’d like nothing more than to kiss Misha Collins on the lips, she paused seeing Jensen’s frown, don’t look at me like this, every ladies with eyes would love to kiss him, she laughed, but I can’t do it.

-Why? I won’t get jealous, that is part of the job, he said.

-I know you won’t get jealous baby, hell you are the love of my life nothing to worry about.

 

Jensen smiled fondly at her and for a moment they stared into each other’s eyes, needing Robert coughing to bring them back to reality.

-I’m a fan, you both know that already, and as a fan… I am mad at this scene.

-But… fans have been asking for Destiel for years?

-Oh yeah the Destiel part is thrilling. I’m excited as fuck, more so that I get to be part of it, but… the first kiss between these two, it has to be special, magical, more importantly it has to be Jensen and Misha.

-What does it change?

-Everything, she said with wide eyes. I mean, of course you could use the excuse that for Cas Dean is Dean no matter what body he’s in, because it’s his soul that he loves, but I suspected you don’t really want to explain all this. We know it’s kinda this already, but… come on… we, the fan, have been fantasizing about that moment for years, fucking years, we need this kiss to be so fucking gay we are gonna cry rainbows.

-But Dean is supposed to change back after that kiss.

-May I suggest something?

-Go ahead.

-There could be a slight brush of the lips, like really subtle but then Dean would pull out, telling Cas that he doesn’t want to do this while not being him.

-And that could be the trigger to change him.

-And then we get the kiss.

-Yeah, said Jensen a little uncomfortable.

-You have no idea what this’ll do to the fans. Hell, I’m playing it and I’m excited as a kid on Christmas.

-Let’s do it then.

 

 

***

 

 

Eleanor was playing her first scene, amazed to be in the bunker, in Dean’s bedroom, even in Dean’s, or Jensen’s clothes, and she couldn’t stop smiling like a fool.

-Baby I know this is kinda cool for you, but you have to focus, no way Dean is happy right now, said Jensen, who was directing the episode.

-I know sorry. Let’s start back to when I wake up. I’ll do better. Jeez, this shit is hard.

 

She stepped back and took place on the bed, closing her eyes to concentrate a little bit, she knew the lines by heart, now she just had to get them right. She opened her eyes and nodded at Jensen, telling him she was ready.

 

Things were doing good, she did the waking up scene and look terrified once she saw her hands, then grabbed her boobs. She jumped out of the bed, making sure to knock the lamp off before looking at herself in the mirror in disbelief. From the corner of her eyes, she saw Jensen’s impressed face and she kept her serious, proud of herself.

 

That was, until Jared came rushing to the room, wearing a flower patterned dress and a bright red lipstick.

-What’s the matter Dean, he said with a high pitched voice.

 

Though she tried, Lena couldn’t keep a straight face. Seeing Jared Padelecki in a dress was something.

-You fucking asshole, she said throwing a pillow at him, I was doing good.

 

He didn’t answer because he was laughing too hard.

 

 

***

 

 

After a couple of scenes, Jared stopped bursting into the bedroom to make her laugh, he just did his part, to Eleanor’s greatest joy.

 

-What the hell Dean did you fall from your be…WOA, who the fuck are you, he asked noticing the woman standing in from of the mirror.

-Put the gun down Samantha, it’s me.

-Dean?

-Who else princess? she said annoyed.

-Seriously, you're gonna use all the feminine nicknames you have for me? Now?

-Why not?

-You are the one with the boobs, said Jared.

-Oh that I do, said Lena fully grabbing her breast with a smirk.

-Why are you a woman?

 

Eleanor shrugged and then looked at herself in the mirror, mindlessly playing with her hair.

 

 

***

 

 

She thought Jared was done with the pranks, but once she was about to start her last scene, the one where she would almost kiss Misha, the fucking giant pranked her a little more.

 

Lena was looking out to the horizon as Dean was supposed to whenever he was about to have a deep conversation with Cas. Her eyes got attracted to the left of the room where Jared was standing, literally making out with a plushy squirrel. The girl completely lost it and burst out laughing screaming at Jared.

 

\- You asshole! Stop it!

 

Jared smiled with all his teeth and walked away. Eleanor took a deep breath and went back to her character. Misha and her shared their lines as they were supposed, a few times to make sure they got it right.

 

They were sitting on the Impala’s trunk, female Dean looking in the distance, but Castiel looking at his friend.

 

\- Dean… Said Misha with his deep voice.

\- Don’t do that Cas, replied Lena, glancing at Misha.

 

Misha took her chin in his hand and forced her to look at him in the eyes.

 

\- Dean, I know you want it as much as I do.

\- I…

 

Misha got his face closer and as he was about to brush his lips, A loud, absurdly loud horn blew, making Lena jump at least two feet in the air. She turned around, hearing Jared screaming of laughter, holding a megaphone in front of a speaker.

 

-JARED!! She screamed, before chasing him down the building, making everyone on set laugh.

 

 

***

 

 

Shooting with the guys was an amazing experience. Except for the green lenses she had to wear, pretty amazing looking lenses that had been made especially for her to mimic Jensen’s eyes, but oh so uncomfortable, Eleanor was more than happy to have done it, thought she did receive some hateful comments on her Instagram after posting a picture of her on set with Misha. She didn’t really mind, she knew these kind of fans. She couldn’t wait to see the final result, though she would have to wait until it aired.

-You did pretty good, I couldn’t have gotten a better person to play Dean.

-That was harder than I thought though, how do you put yourself in the right mind every time?

-I’ve been playing the guy for thirteen years.

-There’s that, she said laughing.

-But seriously, you were good. You could do this.

-Do what?

-Acting.

-Good lord no, I mean yeah that was fun. I got to play my favorite character in my favorite show, but I will stick to the baby deliveries.

-You do have a pretty amazing job, he said looking at her fondly.

-Oh yeah, I’ve got my hands in vaginas at least twice a day, that is amazing indeed, she said laughing with him.

-Amazing indeed, he said now with lust in his green eyes.

-Yeah? Want me to teach you a thing or two?

-D’you think I need a lesson on how to touch you? he said slipping his hand between her legs.

-No, she said her breathing already accelerating.

-Maybe we should practice a little more, just to be sure.

-Practice makes you perfect, she answered before he started rubbing her and she lost every other logical sense.


	29. Ma maman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> *** F.Y.I what it's italic is in french, I didn't want to translate all for you in the end note so I just.. yeah ok***  
> See end note for possible triggers.
> 
> I'm sorry.... Really, I AM! There was a lot going on in my life, work and my son is a handful these days and... Yeah I also have a new board games that is taking a lot of my time ahah. 
> 
> b.t.w On a fun note, I met Jensen last week... FOR REAL. He was in Montreal for a convention and I met him...Boy is he pretty *insert dreamy face here* and his eyes, I'm tellin' ya people THEY TOTALLY ARE as amazing in person as they appeared to be on TV.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this little chapter, I will try and work harder to get the next one ready soon. In the meantime, prepare yourself for a wedding ;)

Eleanor was resting on her side, staring at Jensen’s peaceful face as he was sleeping. She marvelled at how calm he looked while sleeping, though she guessed everyone must look the exact same way. She breathed with him, going more slowly than a woken person would normally do, looking at his full lips and the tiny hint of a beard that was starting to grow. She ached to touch but in the same time she didn’t want to disturb his peace.

-Are you staring at me while I sleep again? he asked his voice still hoarse from sleep.

-Couldn’t help myself, she answered with a shrug.

-You know this is borderline creepy right?

 

She just shrugged again and leaned to kiss him tenderly. He took her in his arm, making her feel small and safe and just content to be.

-Seriously though Lena, you should sleep more and stare less.

-I don’t require that much sleep, she said kissing the tip of his nose.

-You’re weird, he laughed.

-Thank you.

 

She fell back asleep, feeling sated just to be in his arms and didn’t wake up until late in the morning. She was still in Jensen’s arms, though he was awake and watching some cartoons on their Ipad, Justice cuddling to his other side.

-Morning! he said with a sassy smile.

-Alright fine, I do need sleep, she admitted.

-Mama! said the little girl jumping to her, kicking out the tablet on her way.

-Hey beautiful, said Lena hugging her tight.

 

They spent their weekend exactly like that, cuddling and watching movies, not once bothering to change out of their pajamas. On Monday, after dropping Justice, Lena sat down with Jensen with a serious face.

-What’s up?

-We are getting married, she answered.

-I’m aware.

-I have to tell my mom, I want to… I need, I think I need to see her.

-Did you call her?

-No, I think she should learn that her only child is getting married with a face to face meeting, not just a phone call.

-Ok…

-I’ll go back to Montreal.

-Ok…

-Not for long, couple of days at most. I just, I’m not sure how this will turn but I need to see her, there are things I need to say and I want to.

-Hey, he said softly caressing her hands, it’s ok. I get it.

-But I…

-I’ll miss you too baby, like you don’t even imagine. But I’ll be fine, you’ll be fine. And whatever happens, and I mean it whatever, you call me and I come to you.

-I love you so so much, she said almost on the verge of tears

 

 

***

 

 

Two days later, Lena was landing in Montreal, full of doubts and anticipation. She didn’t know how it would go with her mother, but if the woman’s actions from the past thirty years was anything to go by, this will end up in a fight. She took a cab and went directly to her mother’s apartment, but apparently she didn’t live there anymore. Strange, she thought because Marlene hadn’t moved since Lena was five years old. Her grandmother wasn’t at her place anymore, but her neighbor kindly told Eleanor that she was at the hospital. Having tried her mom’s phone and going straight to the voicemail, Lena didn’t have any other choices, she made her way to the hospital. Plus, if her grandma was in a bad shape, she needed to see her. She had been quite close with her at some point.

 

- _Hello, I’m looking for Clara Bégin?_ asked Eleanor at the front desk.

- _No one that name here_ , said the clerk.

- _But… ok, what about Marlene Thériault?_

- _Yes, she is in floor 4, room 409._

 

-Floor 4? whispered Eleanor on her way to the elevator.

 

Once she arrived in front of said room, she didn’t see her mother, just her grandmother sitting at the end of a bed looking overly tired. Her heart started racing like crazy, she almost didn’t enter but Clara saw her and her face lit up like a Christmas tree.

- _Eleanor is that really you_ , said the old woman.

- _It’s me grandma, it’s me_ , she said hugging her.

 

She was not prepared for what she saw next. Her mom was in the bed, looking tiny and pale. There was a wire in her arm, probably feeding her and another needle on the other arm, probably morphine or any strong pain killer. There was no hair left on her head and a tiny respirator was helping her breathe through her nose. Her eyes, once vibrant with green and honey were now pale and sad, thought Lena could see some happiness deep inside.

- _Maman_ , she said her voice barely audible.

 

Marlene smiled at her, and Lena sat on the bed with her, taking her rickety hand on hers.

- _Mom, I’m so so sorry_ , she said trying her best not to cry _._

- _No_ , said the mother with a broken voice that almost killed Eleanor. _I am sorry my baby._

_-Maman…_

_-I don’t have much strength Eleanor, please let me talk while I can._

_-Ok._

_-I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t enough. I am so proud of you, of what you have become._

_-I shouldn’t have left you. If I’d known._

_-I knew where you were._

_-How?_

_-Your friend Helen, she showed me the video of you singing with… what’s his name again?_

_-Jensen_ , she said fondly.

_-Yeah him. I knew you must have been near him. Vancouver, am I right?_

_-Yes._

_-Is he your friend?_

_-My best friend_ , she said with a smile.

_-I’m happy for you._

_-He is a little more than that too._

_-Judging by that ring on your finger, I would have bet._

 

They smiled at each other for a little while before Lena finally broke, she leaned and hugged her mother.

- _Mommy_ , she whispered before she started crying.

- _Shh, shh. I don’t want to spend my last moment seeing you cry baby girl._

- _I’m so sorry, I was so selfish, I should have never left you._

_-Yes baby girl you were selfish, for the first time in your life, and I am so proud of you for it._

_-How long?_

_-Not much._

_-I’ll stay with you, ‘till the end_.

_-I love you Eleanor, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better mother for you._

_-I realised, while I was away, that a lot of my feelings where just my misconception of others too. You were a good mom, you didn’t always understand me but I think most mom don’t._

_-Maybe, but… let’s change the subject now, tell me all about your wedding? Is it soon?_

_-Probably next winter._

_-Always knew you’d get married in the snow,_ smiled the mother.

 

Eleanor was about to add something but the woman started to cough loudly, and a nurse came rapidly. She did some test, adjusted the pain killer and looked sadly at Lena’s grandmother. Being a doctor herself, although not that kind of doctor, Eleanor knew what that look meant.

 _-Eleanor,_ said Marlene with a voice barely audible.

- _I’m here mommy, I’m here._

_-Come and cuddle with your mother would you? Like when you were little and sick._

_-Yes of course._

 

 

Eleanor stayed at the hospital three days, she took five minutes to call Jensen everyday but she stayed with her mother, indulging in her cuddling request for endless hours. Every day, the morphine was stronger, and the woman weaker. She was going slowly. The last thing she said to Lena was a request for a song.

 _-Sing for me_ , in a whispered.

 

Without thinking about the song, Lena let the words flow to her and started singing.

\- « Twinkle, twinkle, little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle, twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

 

When the blazing sun is gone

When he nothing shines upon

Then you show your little light

Twinkle, twinkle, all the night

Twinkle, twinkle, little star

How I wonder what you are »

 

With one last deep, and almost too clear for a terminal lungs cancer, breath Marlene closed her eyes for the last time. Eleanor just stayed there, holding her lifeless body to her chest, staring at the wall in front of her.

 

 

***

 

 

Eleanor took charge of the funeral, putting everything on her shoulders. There were so many mixed emotions fighting for dominance, she didn’t know what to do or feel. She was sad her mother was gone, but there was a part of herself that felt relief. One of the thing she was the most afraid of was reconnecting with her mother and feeling guilty for being far from her, now this would never happen. But she felt so bad thinking it.

 

The day of the funeral, she wore her favorite black dress, she was greeting people, accepting their condolences when she saw a bunch of familiar faces coming her way.

-Oh baby, she said hugging Jensen so tight she was certain she was leaving marks.

-Shh, shh, I’m here love, I’m here.

-What are you all doing here? she said.

-You needed us, stated Jared.

-But the show?

-We’ll work a little harder next week, said Misha.

-Thank you, thank you so much, she said on the verge of tears.

-You are part of the family now, and family sticks together, said Gen holding a quiet Blaire in her arms.

-We are here for you mama, said Justice.

-Here and quiet, repeated Thomas.

-Thank you.

 

Everybody took place and the ceremony began. It was modest, not very long. With one last squeeze of Jensen’s hand Lena stood up and they positioned themselves to walk with the casket outside. The cemetery was just outside the church so they walked all together, Jared and Misha holding the coffin as an ultimate gesture of solidarity as she walked hand in hand with her fiancé. It was not easy, she felt weak but she knew she had to speak. They were ready to lower the casket as Lena took place in front of the little crowd.

 

_-Hello everybody, thank you for being here today. Marlene would have been thrilled to see all of you together, she said her voice trembling. The last thing she said to me, she asked me to sing. And I know, I see it in all of your eyes, I wasn’t here. I went and found myself and I won’t feel bad about it, she stated. The only thing that matters is that mom and I, we were good. I want to sing one last time for her._

 

She dropped one red rose on top of the coffin, and gestured for the lowering to begin.

\- « Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh, ooh

 

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won't be there

 

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you

 

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

And it's so hard to say goodbye

When it comes to this

 

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?

 

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back

 

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself, ohh »

 

With a strength she didn’t know she had, she pushed the last words of the song, feeling every one of them down to her soul.

 

\- « If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I've missed you

Since you've been away

Ooh, it's dangerous

It's so out of line

To try and turn back time

 

I'm sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn't do

And I've hurt myself by hurting you »

 

Up until that point, she hadn’t cried, but as she pushed the last words of the song she fell on her knees and cried. Jensen held her to her pain, rocking her gently as she gripped to him and cried louder and louder. Everybody left and she still cried. She cried herself to sleep, on the grass into her lover’s arms. Jensen took her in his arms and carried her to the car, swearing to himself that he would do his best to keep this woman happy for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers : Termina lung cancer, if that is too hard for you to read please skip this chapter.
> 
> I’m sorry? Both for taking so long between chapters and also because that chapter was terrible. I’m sorry Lena had to burry her mom, but it was necessary. She’ll be happy now, everything is going to be fine  
> 
> Love you guys, thank you for being here!


End file.
